Page 101 of Forever and Ever

“Did you know you were pregnant?” she says.

The earth must shift because those words slow down as they come out of her mouth and float out into the air between us.

“Pregnant?” Noah repeats it, and that’s when I remember he’s standing right there holding my hand. Only now, his palm is sweaty, and when I look up at him there’s panic clouding his face.

Dr. Cameron nods. “I’m sorry to say that you lost the baby.”

Lost the baby?

Right then a pain shoots through me, but I don’t know if it’s physical or imagined, just that it reaches every nerve ending.

“No, that can’t be right,” I say, but the words come out rushed and panicked as I shake my head. “I can’t have kids. Or, at least, the chance is so small it’s basically non-existent, Dr. Winters said the fibroids and the scarring…”

I trail off because I don’t really know what I’m saying, just that everything coming out of her mouth doesn’t make any sense.

Dr. Cameron looks like she’s about to reach out a hand but then pulls back.

“You’re right, it would be very unlikely,” she says. “And it looks like it was very early from your HCG levels, no more than a few weeks. But the existing fibroids combined with the scarring increased the risk. You had a miscarriage.”

I look down now, where there was so much blood. And pain, and stabbing. I thought it was my condition getting worse when really…

My heart clenches.

“I’ll give you some space. We can discuss this more when you’ve had some time to process. And Dr. Winters will be coordinating your transfer to Seattle.”

Dr. Cameron leaves the room and I realize she wasn’t warm or comforting at all. She was a grim reaper wielding a scythe. One she used to slice through the last ounce of hope I had left.

“Pregnant?” I say again, to myself, but I feel Noah’s grip tighten.

I look up at him and his eyes are as empty as mine feel. Like this can’t be happening right now. I’m not able to get pregnant, that’s why I wasn’t worried about not using protection with him. Even if I used it with every other person I’ve been with.

I did this, I let it happen. Noah and I actually created the one thing that I never thought I would be able to offer him. And now it’s just…

Gone.

I was pregnant. Igotpregnant. But still, my body couldn’t hold it.

The ache inside me comes from so many places I don’t know what’s my body and what’s my mind. But it all hurts, and at the same time, I feel numb.

“Noah,” I say, and his eyes snap back into focus. “I—”

What do I say to him?

Sorry, I thought we were safe.

Sorry I’ve brought us this pain.

Sorry I found a way to break what we already can’t have further.

I say nothing.

There are no words as the tears brim in my eyes and the overwhelming burden starts to spill out of me. It’s run out of room and has nowhere else to go. So, it spills, and it spills, and it pours down my face. And I’m shaking so violently I don’t even realize it when Noah sits on the bed and wraps his arms around me, because nothing feels comforting anymore.

Not even him.

Noah was right, the doctors can only take so much because my body will apparently take care of the rest.

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