Page 40 of Hard To Love

I laughed into the phone, “If anyone deserves an ass-kicking, it’s me”

“Do you want to talk about it?” I really was blessed with great friends. Which was a good thing because they might be all I had left.

“No, but thank you.”

He was silent for a moment like he wanted to say something, but instead he just said, “Alright, I’ll free up the rest of your day. If you think of anything else, you let me know.”

I sighed with relief, “You’re a lifesaver.”

I hung up the phone then started to tackle my inbox. In between sorting through some important paperwork, I sent a number of emails telling Chase we needed to talk and asking him to call me. Every time my phone buzzed, I prayed it was him. By the end of the day, I had given up, and finally lost hope.

He wasn’t returning my messages and it appeared he had no interest on talking things through. I hung my head, god, I had really fucked up. The only thing left to do was pack up my workday, go home, and drown myself in a bottle of wine.

I took my sweet time walking home, hoping the fresh air would help clear my head. As I approached my building, my curiosity was piqued by a shadowy figure standing by the bricked entrance. I was still too far away to recognize the person, but my stomach started to do little flips with each step as the face of the man came into focus. I slowed to a stop when I saw it was Chase, with his back resting up against the building and his hands in his pockets. His shoulders were slumped forward while he stared at the ground. When he looked up at the sound of me approaching, our eyes locked together.

“Hi.” I said trying to still my rapidly beating heart.

His face didn’t betray any emotion. “We need to talk.”

I stood there trying to get a read on his mood. Suddenly, I just wanted to get this conversation done and over with. “Come on in.” I said gesturing to him to follow me upstairs.

We rode what might have been the longest elevator ride up to my apartment, ever. The car was totally silent, except for my rapid heartbeat echoing in my ears. I forced a tight smile to help ease the awkwardness created by being in such a confined space together. God, why wasn’t he saying anything? I thought as I slowly counted each floor as we passed - One, Two, Three, Four, Five. Relief washed over me when the doors opened outside my apartment and he held the door open with one hand while gesturing with his other for me to go first. As I walked down the long narrow hallway to my apartment, I felt like a prisoner who has been condemned to a death sentence. My shaking hands reached into my purse, fumbling for my key. Once placed in the lock, I slowly twisted the knob to enter while he quietly followed me inside.

Placing my purse on the kitchen counter, I glanced around my apartment noticing we were alone. I found myself wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I offered politely, pulling out a bottle of white wine from the fridge. I had already finished pouring myself a glass before he had even had a chance to answer, deciding that a little alcohol was going to make whatever was going to happen between us a little less tense.

“I’ll take a beer.” He said with a small rasp in his voice. I walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Guinness, his favorite. As I reached out to hand him the beer, his touch lingered on my hand a beat longer than normal. We both simultaneously glanced at each other, unable to deny the chemistry that still existed between us.

After a stretch of awkward silence, he walked over to the counter and placed the beer on the table. I could tell he was contemplating how he wanted to open our discussion. The expression on his face moved from confident to contemplative as he leaned into the counter, gripping it for support.

“I got your messages today.”

I took a sip of my wine trying to remain calm, “I take it you’ve been busy.”

“I needed some time to think.”

I set my glass down and folded my arms across my stomach, “Okay.”

He looked up at the ceiling, then back to me. “I’m sorry for my reaction last night and for how I treated you.”

Relief flooded through me when I realized he wasn’t here to tear into me again. “Chase,” I shook my head, “I am so sorry for not telling you about last night.”

“Why didn’t you?”

When I looked up to see the struggle in his eyes, my body moved on its own. Closing the distance between us, my arms wrapped around his waist as my face rested against his chest. He stiffened at first before fully allowing his body to accept my touch. As soon as I felt it was safe enough, I began to tell him what I should have told him yesterday.

“He called me at work wanting to meet with me. Truthfully, I felt horrible for how we left things at the bar that night. I’m not going to lie to you, Chase. I felt that I owed him a chance to clear the air and try to get us both in a good place. That’s all that was. Nothing more. He knows that I’m with you now.”

I watched and waited for a look of confidence to return to his face. As soon as the doubts started to dim from his eyes, I continued, “You completely misinterpreted that text message. His mom is going in for some testing and I told him to call me with the results when they came in. He was just thanking me for being there. That’s it.”

He relaxed slightly, but still looked torn after my explanation. “I thought about telling you beforehand, but the more I thought about it, the more I decided it would be better to tell you after we had a chance to talk. I didn’t want to get you all worked up over nothing. The truth is…” I said, shaking my head and closing my eyes, praying he would understand this next part, “I was afraid you would talk me out of going.” I stared at him as he arched an eyebrow at me. Slowly, I pulled away from him, needing him to understand this next part.

“Please, don’t mistake my kindness and sense of loyalty as some kind of sign that I regret breaking up with him or that I want him back. That ship has already sailed.” My voice trailed off, breaking up slightly. “I know we haven’t exactly defined what this is between us, but I want you to know that you are the only one I want to be with. There is no one else.”

Taking in a deep breath, I continued, thankful that he was allowing me to get this all off my chest. “I’m always going to care about him. That’s just who I am. When I give myself, I give everything I have. I can’t just turn those feelings off. And although I no longer love Brad, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about his feelings or happiness. And even after everything I put him through; he still wants to be a friend. How can I not still care for a man that has only loved me and wanted what’s best for me? But being there for him doesn’t mean I have to give you any less. You don’t have to share me. My feelings for Brad come from a different place in my heart than my feelings for you.”

I swallowed past the ache in my throat, while we held each other’s gaze. I could slowly see his resolve weakening. He sighed loudly and shook his head. “I’m so sorry for lashing out. I get it, I do.” He pulled on my hand and drew me into him.

---