Page 44 of Hard To Love

By the time, I finished the account of my early life, I was overwhelmed by the feelings they invoked in me.

Chase kissed the top of my head. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. Thank god, you had your grandmother.”

A smile started to spread across my face as my head started to fill with memories of our time together. “Exactly.”

My mind quickly swung back to happier times. She gave me so much and left such a huge impact on my life.

“Unfortunately,” my voice broke, like it always did when I said the next words out loud. “She died of breast cancer a year and a half year ago.”

He took my face in his hands and pressed his mouth to mine in a comforting kiss. My fingertips ran across his cheekbone then down along his jaw. I was nervous to continue, but I needed him to understand why I was so loyal to Brad.

“When she died, I was devastated. Brad stepped in and took care of everything. He paid for her funeral, the gravesite, the church services and the memorial supper. Everything. He knew how much she meant to me and that a dignified burial was important to me.”

“Sounds like he was the perfect boyfriend after all,” he said, with a mixture of understanding and irritation. I noticed the muscle in his jaw move back and forth and I questioned whether or not explaining all this was helping or hurting matters.

He inhaled a measured breath, looking a little uncomfortable with our discussion. “That being said…” I pushed up and wrapped my arms around his neck.” Just because he was a great guy, doesn’t mean he was the ‘right’ guy.”

He leaned in and pressed his forehead against mine. “Do you think I could be the ‘right’ guy?”

God, he was so adorable. This was the side of him that I needed to see. I wanted to be the person who climbed inside and got to see the things that he never showed anyone else. I wanted him to trust me, to feel vulnerable with me, and eventually hand me his heart. Because, I was pretty sure I had given him mine last night.

“Not only do I think you are the ‘right’ guy, I think you are the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Brad may have saved me and put me back together. But, you are the one I was meant to find. I know this will sound corny, but I think I knew you before I ever met you. At least, I think my heart did.”

He sucked in an audible breath, and I had wondered if maybe I had said too much. Getting caught up in the moment could sometimes make me say things that I normally wouldn’t.

Silence stretched between us, and I began to wonder if maybe I pushed him too far.

“Emily.” He finally spoke. “What you just said may be one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me.” My lungs finally released the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. “Before we talk about that, I want to address the things you told me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose as if he were struggling. “The thought of anyone hurting you physically or emotionally makes me want to kill somebody. I’m sorry you had to endure all that.” His hand reached up and brushed against my cheek. I leaned into him, and allowed myself to absorb his touch. “I know you’re afraid that I’ll look at you differently now.” I swallowed and did my best to prepare myself, “And you’re right, I do.”

My throat grew thick and my heart pounded in my ears.

“I see a strong woman who is a fighter and a survivor. A woman who is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.” I blinked my eyes up at him. When I looked into his blue eyes, I saw so much more than I ever thought I would.

“Emily, it takes more courage to forgive, than it does to hate. What you went through was unfathomable.” He shook his head. “You’re the person you are because of everything you went through, and it only makes my feelings for you stronger.” He inched forward lightly brushing his lips against mine. “I know you think Brad saved you, but you overcame it all because of your strength and who you are as a person. He was just there at the right time.” I shook my head trying to think of a way to help him understand that Brad was so much more than what he just described. Brad may not have fixed the broken in me, but he did help me heal and move on. And for that I would always be grateful.

As if he could read my thoughts, he frowned. “I’m not diminishing the role he played in your life; I understand why you would feel that way.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and held my face in his hands. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are so much more than you realize. I want you to give me the chance to help you see that. I want to be the one to show you.”

I let his words wrap around me and anchor themselves to my soul. In that moment, I fell deeper in love with him. This man had touched a part of me that had never been touched before, and it made me realize how much I wanted from him. And, I’m not just talking about his time or his body. I wanted his heart, his love, I wanted it all.

He cleared his throat, his tone turned serious. “I want you to know that I’ll never let anyone ever fucking hurt you again. Including your own mother.”

The warning behind his words stunned me. They were packed with so much conviction, like there was almost a deeper meaning behind them. They were so raw and so honest that I could almost feel his hidden pain. They made me realize how much I still didn’t know about him.

“Thank you for saying that.”

The truth was, over the years, I’ve made peace with my past. I was a survivor and in my head, I knew that the threats I faced when I was younger were no longer there. But that didn’t mean I still didn’t do everything I could to protect my heart. I didn’t need to spend money on a shrink to know that I liked to be in control because it was how I protected myself. With Chase, I never felt in control and my biggest fear was that my insecurities were the one thing that could destroy what we had.

He pulled me on his lap and leaned his head back while I ran my fingers through his hair. I needed a minute to wrap my head around what I was feeling.

It struck me in that moment how deep I had already fallen. I wanted a future with him more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. If that future was going to happen, he needed to let me in. I didn’t need him to let me in all the way, just an inch or so, to see where we were headed. Enough to know where we stood. It was time I started to feel him out a little bit.

“I don’t want to push you, but you need to tell me why you get this vacant look in your eyes from time to time.”

It always felt like he was holding back from me somehow. If my confession wasn’t enough to open up a pathway into him letting me in, I wasn’t sure we even stood a chance. That thought killed me.

I didn’t want anything between us.

“I need you to be honest with me, Chase. As far as I’ve come, that is a deal breaker for me. If we are going to continue building something here, you need to let me in. You need to trust me. I need that from you.”

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