Page 45 of Hard To Love

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and took a moment to gather his thoughts. I sat there silently, to give him the time that he needed. I knew how difficult it was for him. He took a deep breath and began to speak, but his voice was low and laced with pain.

“Emily, I hate talking about myself.” I started to protest but he silenced me with a kiss. “But, for some reason it feels right with you.” He flipped the pillow over, then leaned back against the bed.

“Ava and I dated pretty much all through college. Despite her seeming perfection, she was always a ‘glass half empty’ kind of person. I didn’t see it at first; it gradually started to show around the time I lost my mother. It hit me hard. She tried in her own way to be there for me, but looking back, she wasn’t really prepared to deal with the bad. Only the good. She was always trying to change me, always wanting more. Never satisfied with what she had.” My fingers traced along his arm in a soothing gesture. Who the hell could ever want more than Chase?

He stared up at the ceiling then pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Which was apparent, when I found her in bed with my college roommate.”

I gasped. “She didn’t.”

He smirked at me as if pleased with my reaction. “She did.”

I cradled his face with my hands, planted a wet kiss on his lips and allowed him to continue, “that experience only proved to me that love was based on unrealistic hope and expectations. I thought I knew what it felt like, and I found myself frustrated when reality fell short.”

I tried to ignore the kick to my gut. Did it mean he was incapable of loving me? God I hoped not, because if that were the case it would destroy me. I didn’t need him to profess his feelings for me today, but somewhere down the line I would hope that he would.

” I never wanted to feel like that again, so I went through women just for the fun of it. No emotions, no strings, just a good time and a way for me to avoid disappointment.” My stomach tightened again. As if he could read my thoughts he wrapped his arms tightly around me, burying his head in my neck. “That first night I saw you, something flipped on inside of me. The second you walked into my life, I decided you were worth the risk. I had come to the conclusion that the women from my past shouldn’t get to dictate my future just because I didn’t want to deal with any more twists and turns.”

His words crawled across my chest and seeped into my soul. I clung to them with the hope that maybe, just maybe, we would be okay.

I knew that I should’ve probably stoppedmy probing there, but I just couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep at night, until I knew if he really was over her.

“Ava,” I said, mentally cringing at the name, “Have you spoken to her since all that happened?” My eyes slid shut, embarrassed by the jealousy I felt.

He snorted loudly, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe I could ask him something so ridiculous. Reaching for my hand, he lifted my chin to meet his gaze. “Emily, I know what you’re thinking. You can stop this right now. That was another lifetime ago. It was over for me the day she slept with my best friend.”

“What happened to your friend?” He smiled at me, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. The tender strokes were acting as a soothing balm to my racing nerves. “You are kind of cute when you’re jealous, you know that?”

My eyes narrowed at him. “Chase, I’m serious. Do you still hate him for what he did to you?”

“Fuck no, he did me a huge favor. He came into the club about a year ago, and he’s miserable.” He noticed my confused expression. “He ended up marrying her.” My eyes grew wide in surprise and I could feel the relief exit my body. “A small part of me feels sorry for him but you know… he made his own bed.” He paused for a moment like he was unsure he should continue. I could tell by his expression that he was searching for the right words to say to me. “He must have told her he ran into me, and curiosity got the better of her, because she showed up shortly thereafter, wanting to talk. She prattled on about what a huge mistake she had made, and how she wanted me back.”

Panic and jealousy started to fill my body. Sensing my anxiety, he reached out to cup my cheeks. “You need to listen to me carefully, okay?”

I nodded my head in agreement because at this point, I was unable to form a coherent sentence. “That night she came to the club, I knew that I had made the right decision walking out on her all those years ago, I always wondered what it would feel like to see her again and you know what? I felt nothing, if anything, I felt pity. The two of them are miserable, so I guess there is still some good karma left in the world.”

He smiled when he noticed me visibly start to relax. “Emily, what I had with her feels like another lifetime ago. She was never meant to be my end game. There’s a reason why I never asked her to marry me. She was the kind of person who would never be content with what she had. She’s selfish and she will always want more. JJ is doing pretty well for himself, doing some private equity work in the city. Unfortunately for JJ, I just happen to be doing a little better than him. Do you see where this is going?” he asked, arching an eyebrow at me.

“Are you telling me that you are completely over her and feel nothing for her? Even though she admitted that she wanted you back?”

“Yep.” he answered without hesitation, “she may be my past, and I can’t change that. The only thing I can tell you is that you are the only woman I want to be with. No one else. I’m not sure where we’re headed and I can’t make you any guarantees, but I can promise you one thing, as long as we are together, it will always be only you.”

My heart swelled with affection as I shrugged away whatever negative thoughts had lingered earlier. I felt as though we took a huge step in our relationship today. In the small amount of time we had been together, we had built something worth saving. There was trust and respect; a genuine concern for the other person’s happiness. It was funny how just a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know this man existed. And now, I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

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