Page 56 of Hard To Love

“The floor is yours, counselor.”

His lips twitched slightly like he wanted to smile, but then thought better of it.

“Colin’s wife, Elizabeth, and I grew up together. We were friends long before the two of them ever got together.”

“So, you were protecting a friend?” I asked, trying to understand where this conversation was headed. I folded my legs underneath me and cradled the warm coffee in my hands.

“I was trying to protect both of them. Colin’s life has pretty much been an endless chain of bad decisions and selfishness. Elizabeth’s the real deal, though.” His voice softened and his eyes lit up, as he talked about her. “She’s kind, compassionate, and the best thing that has ever happened to him.”

I gave him an empathetic glance that confirmed that I was listening, so he continued. “Things went really well for a while, and everyone thought Colin had finally grown up, and changed his ways. Including me.”

Something started to pull at me, as his eyes started to flicker across the room. He leaned forward with his gaze fixed on the floor unable to meet my eyes. “Everything was great until he got into a terrible motorcycle accident. He was banged up pretty badly. He started abusing his pain medicine and ended up losing his job. He spiraled further out of control, started hanging with the wrong crowd, drinking and gambling.”

Just when I thought my feelings for Colin couldn’t possibly sink any lower, I was fed a new piece of information that made me dislike him even more. For Chase’s sake, I swallowed my negative thoughts and kept my mouth shut. I saw a genuine look of sadness fill his eyes, and all I wanted to do was reach out and comfort him. I watched him start to walk over to the window, as he stared intensely into the night that overlooked the tiny lights in Central Park. I could tell he was struggling for words, as he took a moment to gather his thoughts.

“We were all at our vacation home in Florida, enjoying a nice break from the NYC winter weather. My mother and Colin got into a huge argument about some shit I can’t even remember now. He had a meltdown and he stormed off in a drunken rage. My mom and Elizabeth were a nervous wreck and my dad was out golfing, so I felt it was my duty to go after him. Just as I was ready to put the keys in the ignition, my mom stopped me and told me that she wanted to be the one to go after Colin.” He closed his eyes shut as if he was trying to block out the memory. Fear started to crawl through me; I had an idea where this was heading.

“That was the last time I ever saw her. I got a call almost an hour later from the officer on the scene that she was killed by a drunk driver.”

My head jerked back, feeling waves of emotion hit me all at once. His beautiful blue eyes that were normally shining with mischief were now filled with sadness. My heart broke for him when a few tears that he was fighting back escaped. I knew his mom had passed away, but I never knew the tragic reason. The urge to comfort him was overwhelming, so I jumped of the couch and walked up behind him. He turned as I placed my arms around his waist and leaned my head on his chest. “Chase, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

He gently pulled away from me and placed his hands on my shoulders. His fingers traveled up to my face then brushed a strand of hair away from my cheek. “Colin and I both felt incredibly guilty, but he took it much worse than me. He went to a very dark place and thankfully, Elizabeth was able to bring him back. She’s the only thing that keeps him sane, but there have been times when even she couldn’t reach him. Last year, he started to slip back into old habits, and in walked Megan. Now that he’s going to be a father, he has a whole lot of other reasons to get his shit together. I’ve known about the affair for a while and I wanted to kill him when I found out. Once Elizabeth started having complications with her pregnancy, we both agreed that we would do everything in our power to make sure she never found out.”

I just looked at him in utter disbelief, that he would agree to something like that. Sensing what I was thinking, he continued, “When I agreed to help him, it wasn’t a big deal for me. I was single and unattached and my brother needed help. I never planned on my life changing so quickly. Now, I’m completely fucked because no matter what I do, someone I care for is going to get hurt. Elizabeth can’t know about the affair. If she ever found out that Megan and I weren’t together, it wouldn’t take her long to put the pieces together. I can’t do that to her right now. It’s not safe for her or the baby.”

Considering the personal pain and anguish he had endured for the benefit of those he loved only made me love this man more. The sacrifices he had made for his family, and the way he loved and protected the people that were closest to him blew me away.

I threaded my hands through his hair as his sad eyes stared back at me. My fingers gently stroked his cheek trying to ease away some of his pain.” That is such a tragic story.” I closed my eyes trying to get a hold of my emotions. He was so much more to me than I had ever allowed myself to admit. “After everything you just told me, all the hurt you had to endure, all the pain you suffered.” I looked into his eyes feeling completely vulnerable. There was no way I could deny how I felt. He needed to know, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. His fingers reached in and swept the hair off my face. I’d never felt this type of connection with anyone before.

“I love you, Chase. Thank you for letting me in and for helping me to understand.”

He stilled at my words and closed his eyes like he was trying to absorb what I had just told him. When he finally blinked his eyes open, there was so much truth behind them. The fear and regret I saw had my heart pushing heavily against my chest. It wasn’t that I thought he didn’t love me back. Because in my heart, I knew he did. It was that flicker of foreboding that seemed to imply there was still more that needed to be said. Something so strong, it caused the feeling of dread to fill my veins.

He cupped my face with his strong grip trying to hold me in place. “Hearing those words from you, god, Emily.” He blew out a breath then locked his eyes back on mine. “I never knew how much I needed to hear them until right now.” His grip on me tightened. “I can’t lose you because of all this.” He shook his head as if he were in pain.

“What is it that has you scared?”

His gaze didn’t break from mine, but his voice did when he said. “This thing with Megan, it’s complicated.”

The sound of her name coming from his mouth sent our argument from last week traveling back to me. It also didn’t go unnoticed that he never told me he loved me back.

My gut told me that there was more to their relationship than he had admitted to. It was time to address the elephant in the room.

I slowly pulled away from him, “What thing with Megan are you referring to?”

He tilted his head to the side, “Emily.” He started to say, but when I gripped his shoulders a look of understanding jumped into his eyes.

With as much strength as I could muster I asked, “You told me that you had slept with her,” I cringed at that thought, but pushed forward in order to get some answers, “Care to explain?”

His face fell into his hands taking any hope I had with it. He crossed his arms and walked across the room.

“I slept with her once early in their affair. It was a one-time thing. I swear. Colin knows and as fucked up as everything was and still is, we’ve moved past it.” He faced me with a look of embarrassment; he could see the disappointment written all over my face. “She means nothing to me, and if I could take it back I would.”

When I pulled my body completely away from his, he looked as though the rejection had burned him. I crossed my arms and leaned up against the wall for support. The emotional roller coaster I was constantly on with him had become exhausting. My heart was heavy and I was confused and unsure of what place I held in his life.

“And what about me?” I gestured with my hands between us, “Do I mean anything to you at all? Because, the way I see it, you lied to me about Megan, and withheld a very important piece of information. Those are not qualities that you use to show someone that you care about them.”

He shot me a glare then started walking slowly towards me. My heart raced with each step he took. He made a dramatic stop in front of me, took my face in his hands and rested his forehead against mine. “Do you need to hear the words? Do you want me to say it?” His eyes stared directly into mine. “I love you!”

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