Page 90 of Hard To Leave

Brogan’s mouth hung open, and he cut his eyes to mine

“What kind of music do you listen to?” Brogan asked Tanner gently, but I could still see his knee bouncing under the table.

“All kinds. Bruno Mars is my favorite.”

“Yeah?” Brogan leaned back in his chair. Self-doubt clouded his eyes. “He’s pretty good.”

I sat down and steepled my hands together under my chin.

“Tanner, I have to talk to you about something.”

Tanner’s big brown eyes looked up at me, and I was hit with an overwhelming wave of guilt. “You know how I told you that Brogan and I used to be friends?”

He nodded, and I swear, I felt my heart pounding so hard in my chest, you could hear it from the other side of the kitchen. “Well, we were more than just friends. He was someone very special to me.”

His eyebrows drew together. “Is he your new boyfriend? Is that why Jack left and hasn’t called me back?”

My son’s innocent eyes stared back at me. I so desperately wanted nothing more than to spare him the ugly truth of what I did, but that train left the station years ago. There was no way I could avoid feeling like a complete failure when the night was over.

“No, honey, he’s not my new boyfriend.” I leaned forward and grabbed his hand. This wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to be a huge change, but he needed to know the truth no matter how difficult this was. “He’s your dad.”

A few seconds passed while I waited on bated breath for my son’s reaction.

His chair scraped against the floor as he threw it back. “No. He’s not. You said you didn’t know where my dad was. That he had to go away for work.” He looked angry, and I felt horrible.

Brogan’s eyes darted to mine. He swallowed hard, looking at me with panic in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. He was counting on me to handle this, and man was I screwing everything up. Big time.

“He did have to go away for work.” Brogan’s hand found my knee under the table as I fumbled through my words. “He left before I got a chance to tell him that we were going to have a baby. He just found out about you yesterday.”

He looked at Brogan and studied him for a moment. His forehead creased with uncertainty. “Did you not want me?”

Tears streamed down my face. My heart was being torn into tatters. I dropped to my knees next to Tanner. “Nothing could be further from the truth. As soon as he found out that he had a son, he couldn’t wait to meet you.”

Tanner’s eyes snapped to Brogan’s. “Really?”

Brogan rested his arms on the table. He looked like he wanted to reach out and comfort Tanner but stopped himself. “Of course. I know this is all confusing to you right now. Truthfully, it’s confusing for me, too, but I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance to get to know you. Your mom has told me so much about you. You sound like a pretty awesome kid.”

Tanner’s smile dimmed, and his bottom lip started to quiver. “Does this mean I’m going to have to move?”

Brogan’s eyes darted to mine in panic as he ran a hand through his hair.

I shook my head. “No. Brogan lives in Tennessee, but that doesn’t mean you have to move. He wants to visit you as often as he can. He just wants to spend time with you so he can get to know you. Will you give him a chance?”

Brogan cut in. “I know this is a lot to take in all at once. Maybe we can start out as buddies, hang out and get to know each other. I don’t want you to feel pressured with doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“What about Jack?” Tanner asked me. I tried to ignore the pain that hit my chest from that one simple question. I wanted to tell him that Jack and I were fine, but I wasn’t going lie to him.

Brogan’s eyes narrowed, and his jaw ticked. I felt a knot twist in my stomach.

“Things are complicated with Jack and me right now. But I know that he loves you no matter what. Just like Brogan does.”

Tanner looked at Brogan. “Do I call you dad?”

Brogan laughed, and I felt myself breathing for the first time since this discussion started. “You can call me whatever you like.”

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