Page 92 of Hard To Leave

I pushed my sunglasses to the top of my head as he dipped his chips into the guacamole and relaxed back in his stool. “I wanted to apologize for leaving last week without saying goodbye and for not returning your messages. It was a lousy thing for me to do. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to lie to you, Tanner, things between your mom and me are complicated right now. I just needed a little time to think about things. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry if I did.”

I couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice mails. I didn’t trust myself not to break down.

He looked down at the ground. His expression grew cautious. “Is it because of my dad?”

I tried to compose myself enough to answer him. He was already calling him dad, but then again, isn’t that what Brogan Hayes was? Still, the words hurt like a son of a bitch.

I reminded myself that I needed to be the grown-up here. My wounded feelings would have to take a back seat.

I searched his face. “How do you feel about that? About having a dad?”

He needed his friend right now, not his mother’s jealous boyfriend probing with inappropriate questions.

“I’m not sure. He seems cool, but it’s just weird, you know?”

Boy, did I ever. My curiosity was getting the better of me, so I found myself asking the question I probably wasn’t going to like the answer to. “Have you been spending time with him?”

“He’s come over a couple times, and we’ve hung out. He lives in Tennessee but said he’ll be back soon. He gave me his number and said I can call him whenever I wanted.” He looked out to the water. “He promised to take me fishing, like deep-sea fishing.”

I pulled on the back of my neck. This was uncomfortable. “That sounds like fun. I’m sure you’ll like that.” I’ve been telling myself that this was going to happen. They were going to bond. It was inevitable. Brogan was his dad, and I couldn’t fault him for wanting to get to know his son. “Sounds like he plans on spending a lot of time with you and your mom. I’m happy for you.”

It made me sick to my stomach, thinking of all the time Brogan would get to spend with them. I almost vomited on the bar when I thought about how easily I would be replaced.

His lip quivered slightly. “Does that mean we can’t spend time together anymore?”

I should have anticipated that question, yet it hadn’t even occurred to me that he would ask it. I should have prepared myself better for this conversation.

“It doesn’t have to mean that at all. I just…” I raked my hand through my hair, forgetting about the sunglasses on top of my head. “I think it’s good that you’re getting to know your dad. I just don’t want to get in the way. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to spend time with you or that I won’t be here for you if you need me.”

“I like spending time with you, but I understand if you don’t want to anymore.” His grown-up approach to this made me realize I had a mountain of shit to work through. I clearly wasn’t handling this the right way.

I bumped his shoulder. “I like hanging with you, too, and no matter what happens between your mom and me, I will always want to see you.”

I took a sip of my Coke when he asked, “Did you guys break up?”

I nearly choked on the liquid as it made its way down my throat. I coughed, grabbing a napkin to catch the mess. I haven’t seen or talked to Chloe since I left. I didn’t trust myself to not say things I would never be able to take back. I was angry and hurt and resented the entire situation.

She knew how much I valued trust and honesty, and it hurt that she didn’t care enough to tell me the truth.

I wiped off my mouth, searching for the right words. “I love you and your mom very much. We just have a few grown-up things to work through.”

“You need to tell her that you still love her.”

“What?” I asked, blinking in surprise.

“She cries all the time. She’s so sad. She misses you.”

This young man was so insightful for his age. His logic was better than mine. If only it were that simple.

All I could do was shake my head because I was getting schooled by a fucking seven-year-old.

“I miss her, too, but sometimes no matter how much you love someone, your problems are too big to work out. I’m not saying that’s the case between your mom and me; I’m just saying I don’t know what will happen between us. But you and me…” I bumped his shoulder. “We’ll always be friends, and I’ll always want you in my life.”

His little brown eyes filled with moisture. “I thought you didn’t want us anymore.”

I placed my hand on his shoulder and looked him square in the eye. “I will always want you. You may not be mine, but I love you as if you were. Nothing will ever change that.”

“But what about Mom?”

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