Page 70 of Fumbled Beginning

I waited until they walked away before I turned to him. “Who was that couple, and who is Caroline?”

“Not here.”

He grabbed my hand and led me through the ballroom. We walked back through the front entrance until we reached a little sitting area off to the side. There were three wooden benches curved around a giant outdoor stone fireplace.

“Let’s sit,” he said softly, removing his suit jacket to wrap it around my shoulders.

“JP, you’re scaring me.”

“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out about this, but I guess there was never going to be a perfect time,” he said, gripping his hair and tugging at the ends in frustration.

“Take a deep breath.” I rubbed his back, while trying to get my heart rate to calm down.

“Caroline Kerr was my high school girlfriend and Michelle and Charles are her parents.” His shoulders bunched underneath his dress shirt. He dropped his eyes to the ground, and I hated that this conversation made him so uncomfortable.

“During our senior year, Caroline and I were invited to spend the weekend at our friend Shane’s cabin. His parents were away, so he thought it would be a good idea to throw a little party for our friend group.”

I moved closer because he was shaking so badly, I was afraid he would bolt at any second. “We don’t have to do this now if it’s too much.”

His eyes met mine. “I need to get this off my chest.”

He was finally talking about this, and even though I wanted to know, the pain in his voice was almost too much for my heart.

“Okay,” I said, feeling my pulse race because I had a feeling how this story was going to end.

“I worked at the restaurant that day, so I showed up late. By the time I got there, everyone was trashed. Shane wanted to take the boat out on the lake, but he was too stoned to drive, so I offered to take everyone out for a ride. I thought it would be fun to mess around with them a little bit.” He looked haunted, like it was taking all his energy to talk about this. “I started driving fast and randomly steering the boat a little too hard. A bigger boat had just passed us. Normally, I would slow down, but I was so distracted and ended up hitting the wake pretty hard. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but Caroline had moved to the rear of the boat to get a drink out of the cooler. Suddenly, everyone was screaming at me to stop. Her body lurched backward, she hit her head, and fell into the water.”

I watched as the events of that day flashed across his face. The agony in his voice cracked my heart wide open. My lips parted, but I was unable to speak. Instead, I gripped his hand and wrapped my fingers around his.

He wet his lips. “The second I realized what happened, I slowed down and turned back to where she fell. By the time I got to her, she was unconscious, and barely breathing. We called nine-one-one, and they airlifted her to the hospital. The doctors said the blunt force caused traumatic swelling in her brain. Because of my recklessness, she has been in a vegetative state ever since.”

I gasped. “Oh, JP. I am so sorry.”

He shook his head. “She’s been confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak and communicate since that day. It’s my fault, Rylee, so please don’t try to make me feel better?”

I could hear the faint chatter of the guests in the ballroom, but all I could focus on was him. “What happened was a terrible accident.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that I was the one driving the boat. It doesn’t make the guilt go away.”

I tilted my head to the side and stared at him. “You tried to save her. You did all you could.”

“Rylee, you don’t understand. I can’t untangle myself from this. It’s a part of who I am. That day changed me.”

A part of me understood where his guilt was coming from, and I wouldn’t hold that against him. But I would do my damnedest to make him understand that day didn’t have to define who he was.

“Of course it did. It’s completely normal to feel that way, but you’ve been dealing with survivor’s guilt all these years. She might not have died, but you still lost her.”

“And now I’m afraid that I’m going to lose you too.”

The defeat in his voice was almost too much to bear.

“What has you so convinced that you will lose me?”

He gritted his teeth. “Because what I have to offer you will never be enough.”

“What are you talking about?”

He blew out a frustrated breath. “I might not love her the way I used to, but a huge piece of me is in that hospital room with her. How is that fair to you? You deserve all of me.”

---