Page 73 of Fumbled Beginning

“Because I didn’t tell anybody. We’d been together for a little over a year, but I was spending too much time focused on other things, and I didn’t notice her drifting away from me. It wasn’t until she left me that I realized I couldn’t live without her. I’m a better man because of her. She centers me, calms me.” He shrugged. “She’s my person. I feel it in my bones and I’ve never felt that way about another living soul.”

Everything he said was exactly how I felt about Rylee.

There was no doubt in my mind that my younger self had loved Caroline, but real-life responsibilities hadn’t hit us yet. With Rylee, my feelings have grown at a slower pace. She knew versions of me that no one else did. She was comfortable and safe and everything I needed at this point in my life. Being with her was easy, but having a future with her would be impossible if I didn’t let go of my past and learn to forgive myself.

The last part of my brother’s sentence really hit home, though.

I’ve never felt that way about another living soul.

Rylee told me she loved me, but before I said those words to her, I needed to mend my heart back together so I could give her the whole thing. Not just bits and pieces of it.

* * *

It felt like I was traveling through a time machine as I took my time driving along the back roads to the Saratoga Rehabilitation Center. Some buildings looked the same, while others had been replaced. This trip was a final goodbye and the longer I drove, the more I could feel the anxiety building in my body.

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I pulled my rented SUV into the visitor’s lot. The light rain was tapering off, so I gave myself a few minutes, waiting for the sky to dry up and get my thoughts in order.

The outside of the building was well maintained, with beautiful ivy crawling up the century old brick facade. This facility was the best in the state. They tried to make it as close to home as possible for the residents, but as you got further into the building, the bright lights and antiseptic smell were a stark reminder of where you were. I wasn’t sure what I would say or where I would even start, but this moment was long overdue.

Walking into her room, I thought I was prepared.

Oh, how wrong I was.

My throat tightened at seeing my teenage girlfriend trapped in her hospital bed. Her wheelchair sat next to a table overlooking a small lake; not that she could appreciate it, though. I stood over her bed, watching her sleep and memorizing every inch of her face. Her long, blond hair splayed along the pillow. Her face looked thin and pale; otherwise, she looked okay. Still, grief and regret cut through my heart, knowing I was responsible for her being here.

I grabbed the empty chair and pulled it close to her bed. “Hey, Caroline,” I whispered softly, and leaned in to kiss her cheek. My eyes swept over her, looking for any sign that she was awake and could hear me. She didn’t react to touch or voice; all she could do was blink her eyes, which we were told didn’t mean anything.

“I saw your folks the other day,” I sighed. “It’s always hard for me to see them and not feel overcome with guilt. That pain in their eyes is still there, and even though they should hate me, they don’t. You definitely inherited their grace and understanding and every time I look at your mom, I see you. I remember the girl you used to be.” I hung my head.

Caroline was popular, and probably one of the sweetest girls you’d ever meet, everyone loved her, including me. I ran my fingers through her blond hair, which was a little darker now. Her skin might have aged, but she still looked the same. Every promise I made, every prayer, every dream came rushing to the surface of my brain. My heart squeezed with so many memories. The feeling of loss over a life she would never get to live crushed my spirit every time I saw her.

“Come on, JP,” Shane said, throwing the key at my chest. “Just take us out for a quick spin before it gets dark out.”

I looked down at my clothes. I still had my work uniform on, but all my friends were counting on me to take them out before it got dark. I didn’t want to go out on the boat; I just wanted to relax and enjoy a cold beer, but I couldn’t say no because I was the only sober person standing.

I spun in a circle, pointing at each and every one of them. “No waterskiing and no tubing. Just a quick ride along the lake.”

“Yes, Captain.” Shane clapped me on the shoulder, and everyone hopped in the boat.

We were just about to pull away from the dock before Donnie called out, “Wait, we need to grab the cooler.”

Caroline came up and sat on my lap while a couple of the guys went back for the drinks. “Thanks, baby.”

I nipped at her bottom lip. “You can thank me properly later.”

She rested her hands on my shoulders. “I can’t believe we get to spend the whole night together. It doesn’t happen very often, so I want to take full advantage later.”

She wasn’t lying. Between our parents and our curfew, it almost never happened.

I squeezed her side. “A few more months, and we will be off to college. We’ll be able to visit each other and spend weekends and breaks together.”

She looked sad at the thought. “I hate the idea of being away from you.”

“I do too, but I’ll be thinking of you every second.”

Her hands tightened around my shoulders. “I know we’re young and we have our whole life ahead of us, but you’re it for me, JP. You’re my forever.”

“And you’re mine, Caroline.” I kissed her lips while a few of our friends hooted and hollered about us “getting it on.”

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