Page 49 of Lovesick Titan

“Danny…” Lynn placed a hand on his knee. “Please don’t let Cho do this to you. I know you feel like you did a terrible thing to him, that you deserve his hatred, but what he did in retaliation…is that really someone you want to be with? Someone who would go to such lengths to hurt you just because he was angry?”

“He’s not like that,” Danny said. “This wasn’t some abusive, poisonous relationship. If anything, I was the poison, not him. There were plenty of times I made him angry when we were together, or hurt him, even scared him, and he was always understanding, always forgiving. But this time he thought I lied about everything. Thought I was as bad as his father. Thought I was trying to hurt him onpurposeand kept waiting for me to laugh at him and prove how cruel I was. Do you know what that must have done to him? And still, he was never going to kill me, he didn’t even want to see me hurt, even when he expected the worst. He saved me.”

Lynn’s expression deepened into a firm frown. “So you put yourself in danger hoping he’d save you?”

“No. No…”

“Okay. Then if you didn’t expect to be saved, what did you want?”

Danny opened his mouth but floundered for what to say.

“Danny,” Lynn’s eyes drifted to the scattered pills, “please listen to me. I know you’re getting sick of hearing this, but I promise you, things will get better. It might feel like life isn’t worth living right now but—”

“I wasn’t—” Danny looked to the pills too, hating them and everything they represented. “Iwouldn’t. I just…” But damn it, he was too tired to lie. “I’ve thought about it…a few times, but I swear I’d never do it.”

“You’d simply stand there and let it happentoyou?” Lynn said, not judging or mocking, just honest and not letting Danny get away with any deflection.

“I…I don’t want that anymore,” Danny said without hiding that he had felt that way before—he’d felt it tonight. “What stopped me most of the times I thought about it was…I didn’t even know if ODing would be possible for me. I’d probably just burn through them all.” He laughed—and god, why did he keep doing that; laughing when it wasn’t funny? Fresh tears sprang to his eyes and he blinked hard, keeping his gaze on the floor.

“Sometimes, when I’d take a couple to go to bed, I’d think about…taking all of them so I wouldn’t have to wake up.” His throat constricted from the shame of finally admitting that.

“Danny, how often did you take two pills or more than two?” Lynn asked, surprisingly tolerant, Danny thought, and yet still he felt cornered by the question.

“I usually took two. At the same time. The other night, I…I took two before bed after I’d already taken two in the morning. I just wanted tosleep.” He looked up, feeling even guiltier, like Lynn must be ready to berate him, but she had this sad, condolatory smile on her face.

Reaching over, she took his hand. “I’m glad you told me, Danny. I’m glad you never took more than that. I’m glad you threw them away just now instead of giving in to the temptation. I’m glad you’re here, right now, with me. And I am so sorry I lied to you, even if it was to protect you.”

“What?” Danny sat up straighter. “What do you mean? The pills, taking too many, it’s been making me worse, hasn’t it?”

“No, Danny. They wouldn’t be able to do that. All they can do is what you believe they can.” She squeezed his hand once more, then let go as if expecting he’d be the one to pull away. “They’re placebos. They’ve always been placebos. They were never real.”

Danny gaped at her because that couldn’t be right. That couldn’t beright.

“The truth is there’s no way to create medication for you that doesn’t first compromise your immune system. It was too much of a risk. I shouldn’t have lied, Danny, but I was afraid that if you heard one more thing wouldn’t work for you, it would push you that much harder toward…”

“Where I am now. But they have to be real. I thought I was making myself worse by taking too many, that’s why I’ve beenseeing…” He clenched his eyes shut at the memory.

“Seeing what?”

“Me,” he said, safe in the darkness behind his eyelids. “My reflection. I thought it was Ludgate torturing me, but I don’t know anymore…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy.”

“Danny…” At the gentle touch of Lynn’s hand again, he opened his eyes. He couldn’t be angry at her for what she’d kept secret. Part of him was relieved to know that if he had given in and downed the bottle, nothing would have happened. “I wish you would have told me about what you’ve been seeing, but you’re not crazy. Ludgate wants you to second guess yourself. The only vision you’ve seen is your reflection?”

He nodded.

“Then I promise you, it really is Ludgate, and you shouldn’t leave yourself vulnerable for him to keep doing this to you. You can stay here tonight, okay? Stay as long as you need until Andre sets up his machine in your house.” Reaching for his face again, she brushed the tears from beneath his eyes.

The gesture made Danny feel like he was ten years old after a nightmare and his mother was trying to calm him.

“Tell me, Danny,” she said. “The pills? Did they ever feel like they were working?”

“I…I think so? No, I know they worked sometimes, even if they weren’t real. They helped me take a breath, calm down, helped me sleep.”

“Think about that, alright? Even if a pill could never help you chemically because of your metabolism, that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. You just can’t expect to be fixed overnight. There were times these past few weeks when you were the Danny Grant I remember first getting to know.”

“You’re right…” Danny had to smile because there had been good days, really good days, when he stopped trying to push himself so hard. “Iwasgetting better. I was finally starting to let some things go. With Mal…”

Lynn nodded somberly. “Then you can get back to that, Danny. With or without him.”

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