Page 24 of Don Caselli

Greene stopped walking and waited for me to give her the answer. “He gave me the code to get in.”

I spent so much time at the studio that I was familiar with a lot of the boards and buttons needed. If I wasn’t so focused on this singing career, I could have been a producer because Ice taught me so much. He was the kind of man who loved to teach and put somebody on. There was never any gatekeeping with him and that was why I respected him so much.

“Bitch, we in there… Beans hit me up, too. Asked what I was doing. Mind if I invite him to the studio, too?”

“You expect me to sing in front of him?”

“How the hell are you supposed to be a star and sing in front of all those people when you make it big?”

I laughed as I roped my arm around her shoulder, and we walked. “You have way too much faith in my fake singing career.”

It took us a few minutes to make it to the studio. There were different rooms set up, and some were in use, while the one I wanted was free. Hitting the code, me and Greene grabbed some drinks from the kitchen, and I started messing with all the buttons and set the mood right. When Greene held up a baggie with rolled spliffs, I was too excited and clapped my hands. A girl needed to be high to do this again.

It was that damn Maliek Dubrow that had me inspired, and this was the perfect time to lay everything that was on my heart out. My heart was hurting because a relationship ended that I never thought would. Even when I sat up late with panic attacks because I never thought I could walk away from Antwan, I was here and breathing.

All the times I cried myself to sleep because something was missing. There was a disconnect that I couldn’t figure out, and I knew it was God telling me it was time to walk away. God made us uncomfortable, disconnected and confused before he told us to walk away. Instead of focusing on what he was telling me, I wanted to do things my way. It had been time to end a chapter with Antwan, and I held on. Held on when I should have let him go so, I could grow.

Being apart from each other, I learned so much about myself. I didn’t want to be a mother. I didn’t desire the life that every person felt a woman my age should. I enjoyed traveling, pouring into my many hobbies and existing. There was no rule book that said that I had to have a child. Antwan thought it was a phase until he realized that I was serious.

Things shifted when he realized the life he wanted would never be. I wouldn’t be pregnant and having all his children. There was no way in hell I would be his wife, raising children while he could still follow his dreams. Being honest, I allowed too manyI’m gonna trap youjokes slide. After the first one, I should have been done and moved on, knowing I couldn’t give him what he desired. Antwan wanted a big family like his parents had, and that wasn’t what I wanted.

I had little cousins, and that was enough for me. I’ve been around babies my entire life and didn’t feel the need to have children. Everyone always said you were different with your own, but I didn’t need to have my own to know if it would feel different.

Greene handed me a spliff, and I took a long pull as I messed with the buttons. She sat beside me, as I sat with one-foot tucked underneath me, in my zone. Leave it to her to remind me of something that I loved as much as reading. I had so many hobbies that I could never remain tied down to one.

A beat played, which I was almost sure was for someone else. I didn’t need the beat to keep, just to catch a vibe and unwind. I pulled my braids up in a bun and removed myself from my chair.

“We making diss tracks for niggas now!” Greene’s ass jumped up out the chair with her spliff in her hand.

I laughed. “Nah, we healing and moving on… letting the best kind of love find us,” I spoke from the booth. “Press the green button, please.”

5

GreeneJADE

Beanie Weanie: I’m outside… let us in?

Navy was catchinga vibe in the booth as she sang out different notes while scrolling her notes in her phone. Once she realized what she wanted, she instructed me on what to do and closed her eyes.

I sent the code to Beans and the room we were in, as I watched Navy. Her hand rested on her chest as she started to sing the words to a song, I’m sure she wrote a year ago. She and Antwan’s relationship was never meant to last. Just like she could see my happiness fading when it came to Shawn, I could see the same with her. It was always her going out her way for Antwan. Flying out to visit him like he couldn’t come home to visit her every once in a while. Talks about his career, and hers was never mentioned.

It was always assumed that she would follow him around, while never giving a shit about her career. How she built a following by being herself and showing the world how to bethem. She didn’t need to wear a ton of makeup, make sure her life was perfect or do a ton of designer shopping.

She could grow her following by showing everyone who she really was. A girl born in Brooklyn to Guyanese parents, and a big family that stuck together. Navy could be into heels one day and sneakers the next, depending on her mood. She was well-traveled because she refused to settle for a man to show her the world. She took matters into her own hands.

Navy was someone who knew who she was and what she wanted, and that included never being a mother. She never cared about how anyone felt about her not having children. It never bothered her that her boyfriend had different views. She never tried to change his views, only wanting him to understand hers.

The beat she sang to was a sample of DeBarge “Love Me In A Special Way,” and she was hitting every note. Her brows furrowed as she sang the words. This was therapy for her from the way she held onto every note, balling her fist up without opening her eyes.

“Damn, she really can blow.” I jumped, forgetting that quick that I had told Beans the code to enter the studio.

Don fell in beside Beans as they watched Navy singing her heart out. Her eyes never opened, as she felt every word she was singing out. Her chest heaved up and down, but the passion in her voice never left.

Beans grabbed my face in his hand and looked down at me. “How you doing today, Greene Bean?”

I smiled whenever he called me that because it made me feel giddy on the inside. “Good, actually. What about you?”

“Business is business… I wanted to see you, though. Always makes me feel good.” His phone sounded, and he gave me a wink, and went to answer his phone.

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