Page 46 of Matched Up

He barely said anything.And neither did I.

I’d had visions of us sipping tea together in the morning before going for a walk on the beach.Instead, I drove out of Westing and towards Ferndale, all the way through and out the other side.

‘Just down here.’Shane directed me to a run-down estate.I cringed when I thought about the size of my house and then kicked myself when I realized that he’d probably seen my face contort in embarrassment.

We twisted and turned down a million different roads, then he asked me to stop outside a mid-terrace.And just as he was about to get out of the car, he looked at his phone that had just buzzed and lit up.I didn’t even have to move to see it.There was that name again, loud and clear.Grace.

‘This is me.Thanks for the lift, Lexie.’Shane sounded formal.Like I was his coach giving him a lift home after practice.And as amazing and beautiful as he’d made me feel last night, this was the opposite.I felt empty.Worthless.I waited for him to turn and kiss me goodbye.But he didn’t.He just got out of the car and disappeared into the house, leaving me in the driver’s seat, hating myself, wondering what I’d done wrong and desperately needing to know who Grace was.Why couldn’t he just tell me?I couldn’t ask; he’d think I was crazy.So I sat there staring at his house, hoping it wouldmagically give me some answers.But there was nothing.Just weeds up the driveway and a fence that could do with a few coats of paint.

I couldn’t get my head around it.We’d been so open with each other.He’d talked about his parents, his dad’s depression, and they were clearly a really supportive family if his aunt had come to watch his game.It just made no sense.Maybe he’d thought about my reaction to Megan’s news and decided he couldn’t deal with it.Not my finest moment, but I found it so hard to keep my feelings hidden when something like that happened.But he was so kind, and he’d made me feel so much better.

I spent the rest of the drive going through our conversations and thinking about what I’d said, desperately trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong.But I couldn’t think of anything except the name ‘Grace’.So when I got back home, I tidied up to distract myself from the thoughts that twisted in my head.

When I’d finished, I still felt horrible.So I did the only thing that had worked to keep myself out of my head for the last few years.I trained.

Out the back, I ran laps until I was drenched in sweat, I kicked ball after ball at the net, as hard as I could, getting out all the frustration, about Megan, about Niall, and about Shane.

Why couldn’t anything be simple?Why do people have to hide things and have secrets?Even then I realized I was being a hypocrite.Before, if I phoned Megan and told her everything, she’d be straight over to see me.She’d probably have some decent advice too.But now?She was barely speaking to me.And even though I missed her, I’d committed to being pissed off about them being together.Then I remembered about theNI trials and my mind was made up again.So I just kept running and dribbling and shooting until my legs turned into jelly and I felt like I wanted to throw up.

I went down to the beach and looked out at the sea, at the exact spot we’d stood the night before.I shivered, remembering how cold it had been, remembering how happy I’d been.So fucking happy.

I checked my phone.Nothing.

I wished we had a game today, that would have taken up a few hours.Instead, I had a shower and got back into my pyjamas, deciding to torture myself by watching love stories on Netflix all day.The kind Megan loved.I cried at the happy endings and pretended to relate when their boyfriends treated them horribly.

But Shane hadn’t been horrible, and he hadn’t actually done anything wrong; it was just the contrast of a night that had been so beautiful, ending like a plaster being ripped off.

ME: Are you OK?

SHANE: Yeah, thanks.Sorry about earlier.Just had to get home

ME: Do you want to come back over?

SHANE: Sorry, I can’t, but I’ll see you at training tomorrow?5 a.m.?

ME: Wouldn’t miss it

ME: Did I do something?

SHANE: No!It was nothing you did at all.Please don’t think that.It’s just family stuff

ME: Oh, OK.What’s going on?Can I help?

SHANE: Don’t worry, it’s fine.But thanks

No explanation.I hated that the thought flashed in my head of him and Zoe, like they were having some secret relationship andthatwas the reason.But it didn’t make sense.He’d said no to going to V-Ball with her.Then my head filled with the made-up image of some girl called Grace.But those thoughts hurt too much, so I let my head float back to Megan and the NI trials, the nausea in the pit of my stomach turning to anger again.

Niall used to understand.A few years ago, we’d come home from school and talk about everyone in the year, trading gossip and pissing ourselves laughing about the stupid stuff that the teachers said.I told Niall everything and I thought it was the same for him, but clearly not.

My sadness took me to Dad’s study.I pulled open thebottom filing cabinet and took out a box.There it was, the memory stick.This is where the old me and Niall lived now, on this tiny piece of plastic and metal, hidden away in a box.

I brought it down to the massive television in the living room and plugged it in before going to get some popcorn from the kitchen.I came back to see the screen burst to life.I hovered over ‘play’, knowing I wasn’t in the right mental state to watch.But I did it anyway.

Winter five years ago, skiing in Banff.We were twelve.Dad was holding the video camera and he zoomed in on me and Niall at the top of a slope.He was showing me something.Then I remembered.I was scared to go down that slope, even though we’d been skiing every year since we were five.I’d fallen the year before and hit my head, so I was terrified in case it happened again.Niall stood with me at the top for ages, not rushing me, waiting until I was ready, giving me instructions and telling me he’d ski behind me the whole time in case I fell, even though he was miles better, and faster than I was.

I watched myself come down the hill, Niall, like he said, right behind me.

Dad cheered when I got to the bottom, but it was Niall I was watching.He came right over to me, threw an arm round my shoulders and said, ‘See, said you could do it!’

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