Page 41 of Joy Guardian

“Please, Ciana, please don’t let doubt kill this. It feels too beautiful to end it.”

I remembered how beautiful it used to feel before too. Three years ago. With another man. Until it turned so terribly ugly.

I closed my eyes with a painful swallow.

“You don’t trust me?” Kurai asked, sensing my fear.

“I don’t trust myself,” I exhaled.

I didn’t trust my own feelings. They had led me astray before.

“Tell me how you will feel about us when we’re no longer connected by these.” I touched his tendril in my arm.

He frowned, staring at the tendril as if seeing it for the first time.

“You’re scared,” he stated, accurately reading my emotions.

“Yes.” I nodded. “For more than one reason.”

Catching one of my braids, he leaned away from me to sit up. The braid ran between his fingers, until it ended and fell back on my chest. It felt like something dropped in our connection too. Like some bricks of a bridge fell out, risking its entire structure.

My heart ached, cracking and breaking too.

“Kurai, please…” I rushed to explain. “You mean so much to me. I…I don’t want to lose you over this.”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Lose me? Why would you lose me?” His eyes flicked between mine as if trying to read me. “I know what you’re feeling. I’m just confused about why.”

“Are you not angry?”

He didn’t look angry, but the years of marriage had shown me how badly some men handled a rejection or even the slightest confrontation.

“Why would you think that I am?” A moment later, he exhaled in understanding. “Because you knew someone who would be, is that it?”

I winced at those memories but said nothing, not wishing to recount them out loud.

“Ciana…” Gathering me in his arms, he dragged me onto his lap. “You don’t owe me pleasure. In fact, you don’t owe it to anyone. You do what feels right for you. I’ll never force you to go against your conscience or comfort. And I’ll never think less of you or care less about you, no matter what.”

Relief flooded me. Every muscle in my body relaxed from his words, and I realized how tense I’d been until he said them.

“You really aren’t angry then?”

“No.” He leaned his forehead to mine. “I don’t know if you noticed, my sweet Ciana, but I don’t get angry very easily.”

That was true. I hadn’t thought about it before, but subconsciously or not, I had sensed his even temper. That was one of the many reasons why I gravitated to him in the first place—safety and stability of his company.

With Kurai, I never stressed about trying to predict his moods. I didn’t need to feel anxious about inadvertently setting off a tantrum. In the entire time that I knew him, he’d never even raised his voice at me, and we’d been through some very stressful situations in the past week and a half.

I stroked up his arm with my fingers, watching the shimmer of his fae magic spread along his skin in the wake of my touch.

“I really feel like kissing you right now,” I murmured, gaining courage in our mutual honesty. “But I’m afraid to give you any mixed signals, because I’m not ready for anything more than just a kiss yet.”

“I’ll never say no to a kiss from you,” he said eagerly. “I’ll take a kiss, and I’ll wait for more if and when you’re ready to give it.”

God, I didn’t deserve this man. But if he still wanted me with all the shadows from my past and the heavy weight of my fears, I was keeping him.

“Is it okay if it won’t be one of those ‘like lovers kiss’ kisses? What if it’s more of a friendly than a sexy kind?”

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