Page 56 of The Bordeaux Book Club

Grace was silent for a second. ‘It’s hard,’ she said, ‘watching someone else’s relationship. Because you can never really “know” another couple fully. Not really. And back when… with Stephen, people, my sister, they’d sometimes say he was a bit selfish. A bit, well, not as nice to me as he could have been. But it would make me angry if anything. I didn’t want to see it.’

‘OK…?’ Leah felt herself stiffen, sensed something coming.

‘And I don’t want to interfere…’

Leah held back a small smile. Grace was notorious for her interference – but she was beginning to see this tendency differently. As an excess of caring rather than being a busybody or nosy. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘But go on. I really need someone to talk to about this and… well, you’re the only one who knows. Scarlett sees what’s going on but she’s too young to realise… what it might mean. At least, I think…’

‘Well,’ said Grace, ‘seeing as you pushed me into it, I think it’s time to rip off the plaster.’

‘The… what?’

‘Bite the bullet! Seize the day! Carpe diem!’ her friend said.

‘In what way exactly?’

‘It’s time to talk to him, honey.’

Leah felt her shoulders tense. She knew Grace was right. She admonished herself almost daily for not just asking Nathan what was up. He clearly wasn’t going to divulge anything without a bit of interrogation. Only, when she ran the scenario through her mind, she always came up short. Because she couldn’t see it as a conversation that would end well. She couldn’t think of a single innocent explanation for why he’d be meeting an attractive woman, in secret, and lying to her about it. It was textbook affair behaviour, surely?

‘I’m… I guess I’m just too scared,’ she told her friend. ‘Of what he might say. Of… opening Pandora’s box.’

‘You can’t afford to be scared!’ Grace said. ‘This is tearing you apart and you deserve better. You have to be open – brave.’

Leah felt herself stiffen further. It was all very well telling someone not to be scared, but it didn’t do anything to relieve the awful feeling of it. ‘It’s easy for you to say,’ she found herself saying.

‘What do you mean?’ Grace’s tone was guarded. ‘I just feel that it’s better to be an open book. Not to hide parts of yourself away. Because it’s clearly not doing you any good.’

‘I mean,’ she said, ‘that it’s easy to give advice, but not quite as easy to apply it to your own life. Of course I’m scared – this is my marriage, my life!’

‘But if you don’t say anything, you’re living a lie.’ Grace said.

Leah snorted. ‘A lie! What about you?’ She could feel heat rise inside her. Beneath, a little voice was telling her to calm down. Not to say what she was about to say. But somehow, she couldn’t stop herself.

‘Excuse me?’

‘Well, no offence, Grace, but you’re great at giving us all advice on how we should live our lives. Monica in the kitchen the other day, me… pretty much everyone you know, in fact. And it’s great. It’s… it’s nice, I guess. Look, I know you mean well. Or I think you do. But have you ever thought aboutyourlife?’

‘My life,’ affirmed Grace, ‘is exactly as I would wish it.’

‘Is it?’

‘What are you implying?’

‘Grace,’ Leah said, her voice slightly softer. ‘Your life is full and you have so many friends and… and things to do. And you’re so… so involved. You involve yourself with everyone. Everything.’

‘Which is hardly a crime, as far as I’m aware.’

‘But Grace, you never let anyone in. We’ve known each other for – what – three years, and I’ve heard you mention Stephen a handful of times at most. I have no idea how you actually felt about him, and what really happened… Whenever I’ve asked anything, you change the subject.’

‘It’s in the past. I don’t dwell on?—’

‘But it means I have no idea who you are. Not really. What your interests are, your feelings, your fears. You must have fears, Grace. We all do. You don’t let anyone close to you. How can we be friends if I don’t really know what’s going on with you?’

‘I—’ Grace began.

‘And isn’t all that hiding a sign of fear too? Because deep down, I think there’s something you’re afraid of. And maybe if you stopped telling me to face my fears and faced your own, you’d realise it’s not as easy as you make it out to be.’

As soon as she’d hung up, Leah was flooded with regret.

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