Page 60 of The Bordeaux Book Club

He was looking at her now, obediently sitting in the chair she’d pulled out for him, his face serious. ‘Love,’ he said, reaching out a hand, ‘you’re scaring me now. What is it? Is it… are you sick? Is it Scarlett?’

‘Oh, God, no,’ she said. ‘Sorry. Nothing like that. I just need to…’ she trailed off.

‘Then what?’ he asked, taking another sip of coffee. ‘Spit it out.’

See – it wasn’t easy when you were the one in the dark, she thought, looking at his wide eyes. He sensed something was up and was desperate to know – yet couldn’t credit her with the same sensibilities when he went on his mysterious trips. The frisson of anger she felt at this realisation gave her the strength she needed to finally say it. ‘Nathan, you’re keeping something from me,’ she said, putting her cup down and looking at him so directly that he looked away.

‘What do you mean?’ he said, sounding a little like Scarlett had used to, aged eight, when she’d been caught covered in chocolate, or Leah’s perfume or other forbidden substances and tried to feign innocence.

‘Do you really want me to spell it out?’ she said.

‘Honestly, love,’ he said, putting down his coffee and trying to smile at her. The result was lopsided, unnatural. ‘I really don’t know what you’re on about.’

‘OK,’ she said, taking a deep breath. ‘Nathan, you’ve been going out, what – twice, three times a week?’

‘But I…’ he began to protest.

‘Let me finish,’ she said firmly. ‘It’s not normal; something’s changed. You get dressed up, you put on aftershave, you’re mysterious about where you’re spending your time. And I never know when you’re going to disappear next.’

‘I’m just…’ he said, spots of colour appearing on his cheeks. ‘I suppose I’m a bit sick of feeling scruffy when I go into town, is all. Everyone’s so dressed up. I just… want to make an effort.’ The lopsided smile returned.

Leah was shaking her head. ‘Don’t lie, Nathan,’ she said.

‘This is ridiculous!’ he said, his nostrils flaring slightly. ‘I’m not lying! What do you think? That I’m meeting some… some woman? Getting dressed up and having an affair?’ His tone was clearly meant to sound incredulous, but to Leah, it just sounded guilty. Something like a smile played briefly on his features before he regained control. Was it guilt, she wondered? Awkwardness?

‘Nathan, I saw you,’ she said. Then, quickly, corrected herself. ‘I mean, someone saw you, and told me,’ she said, not wanting to fully reveal all of her cards. ‘You met a woman.’ Her voice broke on the word ‘woman’. ‘You disappeared into an apartment with her.’

Nathan’s brow seemed studiously furrowed. ‘When?’ he said.

‘For God’s sake!’ she said, her voice coming out louder than she intended. ‘Don’t play for time. You know it happened, and I know. But what I need to know is have you been seeing someone or not: having an affair? What’s going on, Nathan? What aren’t you telling me?’

Her husband’s eyes were fixed on the table, and he paused for what seemed like an unbearably long time. ‘OK,’ he said, at last, raising his face and looking her in the yes. ‘OK. Yes, I’ve been… well, I haven’t been completely truthful. But it’s not what you think.’

Leah wondered whether hearts could actually leap out of chests. She’d heard the feeling described metaphorically in the books she’d read in the past, but never thought it could be an actual physical phenomenon. Yet her heart was throwing itself against her ribcage so forcefully, she thought it might break through.

‘Then what is it, Nathan?’ she said, feeling her eyes fill with tears. ‘What’s going on? And why haven’t you told me?’

His gaze fell to the table, hands worrying at the side of his mug, but he remained silent. The silence seemed tangible, to be a thing between them growing and filling the whole of the room. ‘Nathan?’ she said again.

He looked up. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘OK.’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s not what you think,’ he began. ‘No, no. I realise that’s a cliché. But it really isn’t. The thing is – and I haven’t wanted to tell you – is that…’ he paused unbearably. ‘Look, I’ve been feeling depressed. Well, not clinically… just, well a bit down. A bit lost.’ He looked at her, clearly hoping to meet a sympathetic look.

‘So, what are you saying? You felt a bit depressed so you had to find someone to cheer you up?’ she said. ‘Is that what you’re telling me?’

He shook his head. ‘No! No. Not at all. Well, sort of. But not in the way you think,’ he said.

‘For God’s sake, Nathan,’ she said. ‘Can you please just tell me what is going on? Please?’

He sighed, deeply. ‘She’s not. I’m not having an affair,’ he said at last. ‘I’m seeing a life coach. A counsellor, of sorts.’

‘A life coach?’

‘I know. It sounds… but she is. I felt like I was falling, Leah. I didn’t know… I wasn’t sure where to turn. Then I saw an advert in the paper. She’s… it’s expensive, but I’m finding… She’s really helping me, Leah.’

It still didn’t feel right. ‘Isshe?’ Leah heard herself say, icily.

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