Page 28 of The Road Less Traveled By

“I’m going to get some.”Take some deep breaths.I get off of my desk chair before I head to my bathroom. I grab the cup I keep in here for emergencies and fill it up with cold water. When I sip it, I don't feel relaxed, so I try the next best thing—I start to fill the tub up with freezing water. I only fill it a few inches, just enough for my ankles to be under the water, before I grab my phone again. “I’m back. My feet are in the tub.”

“That’s good, Bree. Is it helping?”

I take a breath, focusing on the cold beneath my feet. “Yeah, it is.”

“Good. Now, earlier, you mentioned feeling guilty. Is it about the same things we talked about yesterday or something different?”

“The same thing.” I hate that my mind won’t stop making me feel like this, but I can’t stop it. “I keep coming back to this one thing.”

“That you weren't raped? That it could've been worse?”

Hervoice says the thing I can't say out loud, but it filters through my thoughts every single day. “Yes. I’m sorry, I feel like we have this conversation every time we talk.”

“Don’t apologize, Bree. It’s a hard thing to grapple with.”

“People have it so much worse than I do, yet I find myself constantly falling apart over what happened to me.”

“You’re a survivor, Bree. You went through something traumatic, and yousurvived. No matter what you went through, you’re still here. Comparing trauma is not healthy. No matter how bad it was, no matter if other people have gone through worse, your trauma changed you. It changed you in a way that only you know, and you’re allowed to feel however you want.”

Tears are dripping into the tub like rain falling into a puddle. I know I shouldn't compare, that everything she’s saying is making sense, but I can’t stop the guilt from peeking through.

“I’ll tell you that as many times as it takes, Bree. You survived something horrific, and yes, it could have been worse, but it wasn't, and thank God for that.”

“You’re right.”

“I always am. How are you feeling?”

“Like I’m out of my head.” I unplug the drain before I get out of the tub and dry my feet. “This helped. Thank you.”

“It’s what I’m here for. Call me anytime, okay?”

“I will. See you next time.”

“Keep what I said in mind. Baby steps, Bree. Even the smallest ones can be huge leaps.” And then she hangs up, leaving me standing in my bathroom while I stare at myself in the mirror.

My eye bags are worse than before since I’ve barely slept the past month. I look…tired, yet I can’t sleep. Every time I sleep, I feel his hands around my throat, grasping at my ankles as he drags me out of my oldcloset. I feel his warm breath on my face, saying all the things he did to me while he touched my body as I tried to kick him off me.

It’s been four years, and I can still remember every minute detail, every word he said to me, and nothing about that night will ever be forgotten, no matter how hard I try.

Chapter twelve

That Night

— BLACK OUT DAYS BY PHANTOGRAM

As I doodle onmy next promotional post, I think back on today and how proud I am of my sister. She graduatedcollegetoday. She probably doesn't feel like it’s a big deal, but to me, it’s huge. I’ll never have the chance to do that. I graduated high school, but college was never in the cards for me, and that’s okay.

Liv never really had an idea of what she wanted to do, but I know that if she wrote her damn book, she’d find out that being a full-time author is well within her reach.

I’ve never told her I used to secretly read her journal when we were younger, that every story she had started inside caught my attention immediately. My sister is a natural writer, but no amount of support from me could convince her to make the jump.

I’ve tried. I’ve brought it up practically every time I see her, and I know she’s been writing again. After the stunt our parents pulled, I know her mind is going a thousand miles per hour.

I can only hope that Tristan can help her see how amazing she is, and maybe one day, she’ll write the damn book. But Liv has always wanted our parents to notice her, toreallysee her, even though they never will.I hate that they treated her like she barely existed when we were growing up, and I’ll never forgive them for how they chose to parent us.

Our parents don’t really deserve to have that title, especially since they couldn't go one fucking day without berating my sister about her future. Liv had been graduated for all of five minutes, and they still found a way to ruin it.

But she seemed to be having fun when I was over at Tristan’s place earlier, and I’m glad she has him and all their friends to keep her afloat. She’s embarking on a whole new journey with the love of her life, and I couldn't be happier for her.

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