Page 106 of Reconciling With the Rival

“No, I can’t.”

“Why not, Ella? She’s here now and is willing to try—”

I laugh, my emotions overcoming me. I feel crazy right now, crazy for having to tell them how fucking difficult it was, as if they didn't live in it right next to me. “She wasn't willing to try when it fucking mattered most, Lizzie. Since we don’t need her anymore, she comes back.” I turn my gaze to my mother. “Did you get bored? Is that why you decided to go for round two?”

“Ella, stop!” my father yells, but my gaze never wavers.

“Do you need money from us? What is it,Mother? What do you need from us so badly that you’re attempting this apology?”

“How dare you say that to me?” She shakes her head.

“Howdareyou try to come crawling back to us after you were the one who walked out? You want to talk? Fine! Please, since we’re all here now, enlighten us as to why you think you’re justified in abandoning your family!”

“I needed to leave, Ella. Maybe one day, you’ll understand that.”

A single tear falls from my eyes as I look at her. “Maybe one day, you’ll understand I needed a mother. Thatweneeded you, and you left.”

“Ella, I didn't know what to do with you! You or Lizzie. I was a terrible mother! You never saw how hard it was.”

The three of them are standing across from me, and for some reason, it feels like it’s three against one. It is, in a way. They both seem to want to try and work this out, to try and be a family again, but since she left and never came back, our family has been split.Shedid that, not me. She was the one who fractured our family all those years ago.

Now, she comes crawling back. To make amends. To try.

It’s a few fucking years too late.

“If I did it, you could have,” I whisper under my breath.

“What the hell does that mean?” my mother scolds, a laugh bubbling up. “You’re not a mother.”

“Not in the way you’re thinking, but I sure as hell raised Lizzie, and look at how wonderful she turned out. That’s all thanks to me and Dad, not you.”

“How’s that?”

I must be going insane or something. “You weren't here! Lizzie was so young when you left, and since Dad worked two jobs to support us, to feed us, I was the only one here to raise her! I had to grow up in an instant! The moment you left, I became an adult, one who had to step up because my own mother couldn't bear to stay!”

The three of them stare at me as I unpack years of wounds and hurt that have weighed on my body since she left.

Paige was right. Lizzie and I lived two different versions of the same story. Her wounds went away a lot easier than mine did because she had me to help, to guide her, toraiseher to be the woman she is today.

I didn't have that. I didn't have someone to do that for me. I had to figure it all out myself, and in a single second, I grew up faster than most kids, all because my mother made her choice and left.

Lizzie’s wounds from our mother leaving faded so much quicker than mine did. Mine still linger. In every relationship who left me, in every friend who thought I was too much, in the back of my mind, I hear whispers of my mother.

It all comes back to her. When she left, she took so much more than herself with her. Every time I do something and think I’m not good enough, I hear her voice in the back of my head telling me I’m right.

Because if my own mother couldn't stay, then why would anyone else? If my own mother—the person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally—left, then why would anyone else stay? I’m not worth it, and ever since she walked out, that’s the one thing I’ve always been sure of.

“Are you even sorry?” I ask her, wanting to know.

She’s looking at me as if I have four heads. “For what?”

For what?“For leaving. For breaking our family to pieces when you left,” I say, my teeth grinding because of how pissed off I am.

I look at my father, his hand on his head, as if he’s sick of us having this conversation, and then to Lizzie, her eyes filled with tears, but about what? I don't know.

But I needed answers. After all these years, I deserved them.

“I gave up my whole life to make sure Lizzie was okay. I got a job as soon as I could to lighten dad’s load. I made meals, I cleaned the house, all the while helping Lizzie grow up, get good grades, and keep my own education afloat. I put myself through college while working and maintaining my scholarship. I did that!” I step a little closer to them, wanting to get my point across. “All while you were off somewhere else, living your life and forgetting the three of us ever existed.”

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