Page 130 of Reconciling With the Rival

I feel like a broken record, but maybe it’s because I am—broken, that is. Maybe I’m not wired for the love my parents share. It’s not lost on me that I’ve never even attempted it, but if I tried, I doubt it would work.

I’m a one and done kind of guy. One and done is all people will ever want from me, which is probably why I throw myself into my work—I’ve never had a relationship to distract me from it.

But do you want that?

I’m unsure of what I really want out of life. I think Ella’s right. I need to figure out who I am outside the office. I need to figureout who I want to be in the world, not the persona I’ve been showing everyone since I was in college.

One night stands were fine back then because I didn't need any distractions from my studies, but I don’t think I ever really focused on what would happen after I left.

It didn't seem important, but now that I’m adrift out in the world all on my own, I have to decide who I want to be. I don’t want to be the guy who overworks himself and never has any friends because he’s too busy at the office. I want to be there for my family, for my friends, for the person I fall in love with when the time comes.

If I close my eyes, I imagine it could be Ella.

But with our history and how complicated things are between us, I shake that out of my head. I’m a distraction to her, and after tonight, we’ll go back to normal.

Just like it was meant to be.

“So…” She trails off, twisting the stem of her glass between her fingers.

“Do you want to ask me something, Williams?” I can tell she does. She has this look on her face, like she’s trying to look straight into my brain, like she’s trying to see what I’m thinking.

“About our pact,” she says.

Part of me is nervous. I don’t know what she’s going to say. “What about it?”

“Do you think we should continue it? I know I ended it at the office, but that was a spur of the moment thing.”

It feels like that question has a double meaning, but I’m unsure of what else she’s trying to say. “Well, neither of us wants to lose our jobs if Brody decides to blab, right?

She nods, her face tight, as if she wasn't expecting me to say that.

“And it was just a casual thing between us,” I confirm with her.

Another nod. “Exactly, so we’ll have no problem going back to how it was before. That’s what we both want, right?”

Her face studies mine as she waits for my answer. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’m on the spot, and part of me wants to sprint out of this conversation as fast as I can.

Because the truth is, I don't have a clue what I want, especially where it concerns her. The past few weeks have fucked my mind up, and I’m afraid to say something that will make her run.

Plus, I doubt Ella has even considered being in my life after this. All we’ve talked about is going back to being coworkers; that is, if she’s not thinking about leaving Loft Media. I wouldn't blame her if she did, especially since Brody would keep lording this over her head.

“Yes, that is what we agreed upon when we started,” I tell her, swirling my drink around in my glass, unwilling to look at her face.

She’s silent for a few moments, so I look up, and her mask slips back into place. She looks composed, like she always does in most of our conversations. “Good.”

“Yes, great.”

The bill slides onto our table and neither of us moves to grab it, the two of us suspended in time, as if the words from our conversation wrapped around one another and won’t let us go.

I grab it before she can. “It’s on me.”

“Are you sure?”

“I asked you to come out, Ella.”

“I know, but this isn't a date, so—”

I reach over and grab her hand. “Just accept the free dinner. It’s my fault you're in the mess with Brody. If I had kept my mouth shut—”

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