Page 7 of Reconciling With the Rival

The three of us used to have this tradition where after every recital—I think they had two a year—we would go to a diner and have milkshakes. Mine was dairy-free, of course, but those nights are some of my favorite memories of us as a family.

Now, as I sit and watch her in her last year of dancing for this company, I can’t help but smile. I’m still in denial that she’s graduating high school next year. It feels like just yesterday, I was sitting on her bed, reading her stories.

I shake my thoughts out of those memories. It’s not like I don’t enjoy thinking about them, but they remind me of a time I would rather not think about.

I don’t have many fond memories of my childhood. All I remember is the feeling of being left by my mother and how I had to grow up quickly to help take care of my sister. I was a kid myself when she left, but my sister was younger, which meant the burden fell on my shoulders.

I didn’t mind it, I guess. I just hate that I missed out on a few extra years of being a kid that most other people got to have.

I’m not bitter about it, but I do yearn for the stress-free time before my mom left. I often wonder how different I would’ve turned out if not for her absence. Maybe I would be more carefree like my sister. Maybe people would stop thinking I’m too much when they get to know me. Maybe I would worry less and not be the mom friend in every friend group.

Maybe I would be better at talking about my struggles with the people who care about me.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Too bad that isn't me. I like who I am, but some days, I wonder what would have been different if she was still around.

Regardless, I’ve found some pretty fucking awesome people to live my life with. Not only did Grand Mountain bring me my forever friends, it also made me realize I have to live my life without worrying about my family needing me.

Still, I worry. It’s impossible not to. It feels like all I’m wired to do is make sure my family’s okay even though I’m an hour away from them.

And as I watch my sister traipse across the floor, I’m glad she got to experience a different childhood than I did. She has grown up to be such an authentic, soft, gentle person.

The direct opposite of me. I can be cold sometimes, most people think I’m a bitch when they first meet me, and I have a way of saying anything that comes to mind with absolutely no filter. Most people can’t handle me, and that’s fine. I don’t need to be handled.

I need to beheardamidst all the dumbass people who exist nowadays.

My phone rings in my purse, and I pull it out. Seeing it’s my Dad, I answer. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

He only laughs. “Why do you always answer the phone like that?”

“Because you never know!” I tell him. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to see how you were. Did Liz get to dance okay?”

“She did, and by the looks of it, she’s having a good time.” I smile, noting how different my sister looks when she dances. It’s like there’s this whole other side of her.

“I’m sorry you had to leave work—”

“Dad, you know I don’t mind doing this. Whatever you need, I can make it work.”

“I know, but I worry I’m asking too much of you.”

“Nothing is ever too much for you guys. You’re my family, remember?”

He sighs across the line. “I know, Ella. I wish I could meet you guys for dinner, but maybe you can come over one of these nights if you’re not too busy?”

I hate how little I see my family nowadays. Back in college, I was always around to help, but since I have my own life happening away from them, I don’t see them as often as I would like. It feels like every time I go over, my dad looks more tired than he did before. He might be a little over fifty, but his brown skin has more wrinkles and exhaustion lines every time I see him.

Though his eyes never look too tired. Whenever he looks at Lizzie and me, I swear, I see them sparkle. I always joke that he’s where we get our good looks from, but he denies it every time.

“I’d love that,” I say as applause ensues. “I have to go, Dad. Practice is over. Do you want me to stay with her until you get home? I don’t mind.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll only be an hour or two. I know your drive is long and it’s a work night, so you don’t have to.”

“Well, I want to. I’ll see you when you get home. Do you need me to do laundry for you or anything?” I always offer. If I’mgoing to be home, I might as well keep my hands busy and help out if they need it.

“There’s some things in the laundry room if you have time.” I can feel his apprehension over the line. “Thank you, Ella.”

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