Page 90 of Reconciling With the Rival

Most of the time, it ended the same way. I was alone, staring into my mirror, my shower head, or my car.

At least I won every time.

I wish Alissa was home, because after that conversation, I need someone here. I need someone to tell me what I said wasn't too much, wasn't too mean. I need to know I’m enough as I am, even though I basically raised myself. I need to know I can be loved despite always feeling like I’m too overbearing.

But over the years, I brushed off those thoughts. Even if they stabbed into my body like a knife, I acted like I was fine. I felt like I had to—for my sister's sake.

I feel like there’s a dead piece of me inside. I never feel like I’m good enough for anything or anyone. It’s hard—feeling like that on the inside when on the outside, I appear so confident, so self-assured.

When I finally grew up, went to college, and left my dad and sister, all I felt was guilt. I was constantly checking in on them, as if our family was going to fall apart if I wasn't there. I felt like a horrible sister and daughter for leaving, even though I know it was what was best for me.

That never stopped the guilt, though.

And as I sit alone in my apartment, feeling so broken after one phone call with my mother, I pick my phone back up and call the one person I know understands.

She picks up on the second ring. “Hi, I know you’re at work, but can you come over after your shift?”

“I’m on my way.”

Half an hour later, I hear a few knocks on my door. When I open it, I’m surprised. “How did you get here so fast?”

“Well, it would’ve been faster, but I stopped for takeout.” Paige’s face brightens up my home as she sets the food on the table.

“But it’s the middle of the afternoon, P. You didn't have to leave work early for me.”

She takes both of my hands and leads me over to sit down. “Yes I did, Ells.”

“Why?”

She simply looks at me and answers as if it's the most casual thing in the world. “Because you would do the same for me.”

My eyes start to tear up. Never in my life did I think I deserved the level of friendship the girls give me. Never did I think anyone would stay around for enough time to be able to reach this amount of love we share.

I was always the friend that was doing too much, the one who was too loud, too sparkly. All throughout high school, I toned myself down to fit myself into a person other people could handle.

When I got to college, I promised myself I wouldn't do that. And if people didn't like me, then they weren't the ones for me.

But Paige and Hads love me for everything I am. They love mebecauseI’m all those things, and not once have they tried to dim me. Not once have they made me feel like I was difficult to love.

Paige places a plate in front of me with all my favorite things on it—pan fried potstickers with chili oil, extra spicy Szechuan tofu, steamed vegetables, and white rice.

“We can eat in my room if you want. I need some comfort with my comfort food,” I say as I grab my plate and head to my room. “Also, why did you get Chinese food when you hate it?”

Paige sits on my bed with her own plate. “It’s your favorite, and I grabbed some tacos on the way too.” That makes me cry. “Wait, Ella, no. I didn't mean to—”

“No, these are good tears.”

“I figured by your tone of voice it’s been a rough day. I thought this would cheer you up, and if you keep crying, I’m going to cry!” she sniffles. I look over at her, and she’s already crying.

“I feel like a mess,” I admit.

“You’re not a mess, Ella. You’re a human,” Paige says as she bites into her taco. “And I’m another human here in case you need to talk, vent, scream, cry, or sing. I’m good with anything; just let me know what to do, and I’ll do it.”

I laugh through my tears. “Maybe all of the above.”

“Just tell me which to start with and we’re good.” She smiles at me.

I bite into my food, and this is helping me feel better already. “Venting, I think.”

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