Page 91 of Reconciling With the Rival

“What happened?”

“I was supposed to pick up my sister from school and take her to dance practice. I do it whenever my dad needs me to, since she can’t drive yet and he works overtime a lot.” I pause to take a deep breath. “But my mom called me. She told me she was picking her up, and we got into an argument.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. It was a conversation years in the making, and I don't know, it left me feeling unsettled. I feel like I’m the problem and shouldn't feel how I do. I want to give her a chance, but in my heart, I feel like I can’t.”

Paige puts down her plate. “Ella, your feelings are valid no matter what they are. Your mom hurt you, and she can’t waltz back in here and pretend the past decade didn't happen.”

A few tears fall. “I know, P. But my sister can forgive her, so why can’t I?” It's the question that has been bugging me ever since my sister told me she was thinking about giving her another chance. It was so easy for her to move on and forgive our mother, but I can’t—or won’t.

My feelings about my mother are a rock that has grown in size over the years, and now, I can’t seem to push it out of the way. It’s accumulated so much hatred over the years, and no amount of erosion and apologies can make it get smaller.

Her absence was everywhere—in every empty chair, in every conversation where someone asked me about her, at my high schoolandcollege graduation, the ache of the empty chair where she would’ve sat if she was there, but she never was.

Now, she’s back, and the ache is stronger and heavier than before.

“I used to think forgiveness was easy,” Paige tells me.

“How so?”

She scrunches her brows, as if she’s contemplating how to translate her thoughts into words. “It felt so easy as a kid—forgiving someone. It felt more natural to me than anything else because I didn't know what was happening to me wasn't normal. I used to think all of it was my fault, so when the adults in my life asked for forgiveness, I gave it to them because I trusted them. They were my parents, you know? As a kid, you think your parents are superheroes, and they make all the rules because you don’t know any better.”

My heart aches for all Paige has been through. Her face is so bright despite all the memories I know are flashing through her mind, but her eyes ache for the small version of her that simply wanted to be loved. I wonder if I have the same look on my face when I talk about my mom and childhood, or if I’ve become way too good at hiding it.

“I forgave my dad whenever he hurt me, and I forgave my mom for never noticing me—it’s their first time living too, you know? But as I got older, I started to realize forgiveness was the easy part. Anyone can dole out forgiveness, but the part you don’t forget is how they kept walking away—how they kept hurting you time and time again.” She grabs my hand in hers.“Ells, you can forgive your mom, but you don’t have to suddenly forget about all the ways she let you down by not being there for you.”

"I know, but—”

She cuts me off. “You’re not a bad person if you choose to not forgive her. Only you went through what you did. Don’t let somebody else’s willingness to forgive someone cloud all the feelings you felt. Don’t let how your sister feels now make you forget about all the hurt you went through. You two lived different versions of a similar story. Your feelings are different, and that’s okay.”

I wipe a few tears from my eyes. “Thanks, P.”

She catches me off guard when she wraps me in a hug. “I know what it’s like to grow up with the weight of the world on your shoulders.” She pulls back and looks me in the eye. “But the one thingyoutaught me is that I don’t have to carry it all on my own.”

I nod my head. I’m the worst at crying on someone else’s shoulder, but I’m glad I called her today. I needed someone who understood, and Paige understands me like no other.

“Only you can decide what to do, Ells, but you’re never alone. Hads and I can make another pros and cons list, Grant can hype you up in whatever decision you make, Oliver will support you, and Alissa will give you a shot of tequila when you decide what to do. We’re all here for you because you’ve been there for us so many other times.”

“You guys are my friends; of course I’m going to be there for you.”

“You’re also our friend, Ella. Just because you're the mom of the group doesn't mean you don’t get to cry and struggle like the rest of us.” Paige takes a bit of her food, a tear dropping onto the shell. I realize my potstickers probably have tears on them too.

True friendship is crying about your problems over comfort food.

“I love you so much.”

She smiles at me, and it’s like the sun came out after a dark, rainy day. That’s what Paige does for the people she cares about. She brings light when the darkness creeps up and surrounds us. “I love you too, Ells. Now,” she gets comfortable on my bed, “turn on that one reunion episode I like to quote.”

I smile, already knowing which one she’s talking about. Paige doesn't prefer reality television like Alissa and I do, but she knows a few episodes from some internet memes.

And for the rest of the day, we eat shitty food and laugh until she has to go home to Oliver.

It has been hourssince Paige left, and all I’ve done is stare at my ceiling and cry.

I don't know why I can't make myself do anything. That phone call froze me in time, and now, I can’t move until I cry out all my feelings. Not only is this thing with my mom stressing me out, but I’m behind on some deadlines for authors, and Ihatebeing behind.

But maybe tonight, I need to feel all my feelings so they get the fuck out of my body. Maybe rotting in bed and crying is what I need to do just for tonight.

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