Page 14 of Rewriting the Story

“I know this is a shock, but this will be good for you, Amelia. Take some time and really focus on you. Not only do you work too much, but when you’re here, you’re not focused. It’s okay to admit you might need a reset, mentally and physically.”

“Angie, really, I’m fine. Ijust—”

“I know this can seem scary and like it’s not the right time, but this is for the best.” She reaches out and grabs my arm with a soft pat. “This is for your own good.”

“This isn't you firing me then?”

She shakes her head. “Your job will be here waiting for you when you’re back and refreshed, Amelia. I promise, this isn't leading to you being let go. Sometimes, we work ourselves too hard and need a break, and sometimes, someone else has to let us know when we need that break.”

“And that’s what you’re doing?”

“Yes. Now, why don’t you head home. As soon as you walk out this door, I want you to not think about this place or anything to do with work until you come back. Does that sound okay?”

“I-I guess,” I say, my voice low and defeated. This job has been the only thing really getting me out of bed in the morning, so I’m a little nervous about what the next month is going to look like.

“Good,” she says before she opens her office door for me. “This will be good for you, Amelia.”

I nod, unable to speak before I pack up my things and head for my place, not wanting any of my coworkers to see the tears falling down my face as I leave.

It’sbeenoneweeksince I left work on a forced paid vacation, and to say I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting during this time would be an understatement.

Not only was Angie right, but I haven't really felt like myself these past few months, and that could be for any number of reasons. I stopped talking to my best friends from back home. I threw myself into my workto distract my brain, though it didn't work, because look at where I’m at now. When I really sat with my decision to come over here in the first place, I realized I’m still stuck in the same place I was when I arrived here.

I haven't been moving forward. I’ve been stagnant for months, and I only just noticed it this week. Now, I’m on paid leave from my job, I have no close friends over here, no boyfriend. I’m completely alone, and that realization has punched me in the gut.

I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was staying afloat and going through the motions, but I’m not. I’m actually not even close to doing that. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve hit rock bottom, because I haven't felt this horrible…well, ever.

It’s an odd feeling, realizing you’re not where you thought you would be. I know I have a few weeks to get back on my feet, since I don’t have to work, but I still don’t feel whole. When this fog used to come about, it used to only take me a few days to recharge before I felt okay again.

The fog hasn't lifted in months, and I have no idea how to get it to go away. I’ve tried the usual things, and none of them have worked. I tried a new hobby—oil painting—and that only lasted a few days before I got bored. I tried to listen to new music and analyze the lyrics, and I could barely focus enough to listen to an album front to back. I tried getting out of my place and going for a walk, or to my favorite coffee shop or bookstore, and I was so in my head, I thought the world was caving in as soon as I got outside. What’s worse is that I still can’t sleep. My mind will not stop running about a thousand different things, and I’m not sure how to quiet it down before it drives me to insanity.

Part of me is terrified something is really wrong with me. I don’t know how to fix it this time. I don’t know how to make my mind stop spinning. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to feel more like who I used to be.

I’ve barely been sleeping. Eating feels like the hardest task I don’t want to approach, because the thought of having to make three full meals aday and make those three meals different is difficult. Even when I have been eating something, it tastes flat and horrible.

I wish I could find out what’s wrong with me so I could cut it out. I wish it were that easy, but I know it’s not that simple. Nothing ever seems to be easy with me.

I’m not okay, and I think this is the first time I’m really admitting that to myself. I’m afraid. I’m terrified I won’t get better because I don’t have any motivation to do so.

But when I look around at my life, nothing is reallythatbad. Most people have it worse. I’m living my dream in another country, working for an organization I’ve loved for as long as I can remember. I should be happy. I should be living my dream and excited to be doing so, but I’m not.

Everything feels difficult. Sleeping doesn't come often, and when it does, it’s not restful. I haven't answered my messages or emails in the last few weeks, and now they stop coming all together because I’ve fallen out of touch with everyone I love. It’s too hard for me to admit it’s difficult to pick up the phone and answer. It’s too hard to admit I’m falling apart, and it took my boss forcing me on leave to realize it.

I take a deep breath before I head out of my place to the appointment I made on a whim yesterday while I was crying into a bowl of cereal. Today, I’m taking a big step. It’s one I never thought I would willingly take, but the conversation with my boss opened my eyes.

I’m not doing well. Everything around me is falling apart.

I need to talk to someone, because if I don’t, I worry what might come of it. I’m not saying I would do anything drastic, but I know I can’t keep living in this fog with no way to get out. It’s too much. It’s too hard, and if I keep going like this, I’m going to fall even deeper into this hole, if that’s even possible.

I’m finally open to sitting across from a trained professional and dissecting my entire life. If it makes me feel less alone, or better in general, it will be worth it—the awkwardness of spilling my guts to a total stranger.

Therapy is not the answer to all my problems, but it seems like a good start.

6

Now — September 2025

Night Changes by One Direction

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