Page 36 of Rewriting the Story

A few more tears fall from my eyes. “Thank you,” I sniffle. “All I really need is your support.”

“So, your decision to leave was an impulsive one,” Ella says to me. “And your trips you took back in college were the same kind of thing?”

“Yeah,” I tell her. “I also went to England to stick it to my parents. They were disappointed in me? Well, look at me, moving to an entire other country because I had a job offer. I didn't follow the path they wanted me to? Well, look at me, landing this job right out of college. Suck it, Mom and Dad. I’m going to be successful without you.”

“Why did you decide to come back now? Was it just for the wedding?” Paige asks me.

“After a few months of a solid routine and my medication working, I felt like I was in a good place. I also just missed you guys. You three were the only ones who cared about me, and for the first time ever during college, I felt like I could be myself, and you guys wouldn’t judge me for it. You accepted me, flaws and all, and I never had that before. I never had that with my family.”

“Well, we definitely made fun of you,” Hads reminds me.

“But it was out of love, not disappointment. You guys never tried to change me. You worked around my unmedicated, ADHD brain before I even knew it was that.”

The four of us are silent for a few moments before Ella speaks up again.

“So, what happened with you and Henry? Was that an impulsive, split-second decision too?”

“I still struggle with that myself,” I tell them. “Impulsive? Yes, but he was someone I never really saw coming.”

“Those relationships are the best sometimes,” Hads says, no doubt thinking of Grant.

“I told him before we started dating officially that I’m a runner. He knew who I was, though, and he loved me anyway. When I look back on all those conversations, it always felt like I was warning him to not fall in love with me because, subconsciously, I think I knew I was going to do something stupid and hurt him in the process.”

No one says anything. They know how I am. They know the decisions I made in the past were stupid and full of nonsense.

“He fell into me anyway, and I fell into him because he made me feel things I had never felt. He understood me—weird quirks and all. I loved him. I really did.” Tears start to stream down my face again, and I hate myself for feeling how I do. I was the one who caused all this. I shouldn't be so upset at something I had a direct hand in crushing.

Dr. Elyse told me despite everything I had done, and even though I didn't feel capable of loving myself, I’m still lovable.It’s not something you have to earn, she told me.It’s something that comes from just being human.Love is given freely, with no expectations or strings, because that’s what love is. It exists. Plain and simple.

That session was a turning point for me.

“Then why, Amelia? Why did you do what you did if you lovedhim?” Paige asks me.

“It was more about me than him. That sounds cliché, but it was. I had this fierce need to prove my parents wrong. Obviously, I was excited, but the need to stick it to them was stronger. It felt like I had tunnel vision as soon as I got the offer, and of course, I had to take it. Of course, I had to make something of myself, but when I factored in how Henry fit, nothing made sense to me. I loved him, God, I fucking loved him, but I was far too focused on my career to try and balance a relationship from an entire ocean away. I thought it was for the best—for me, for him, and for our collective futures.” Which it was, in a way, even if I’m miserable for the rest of my life without him. He’s written a few bestsellers. It turned out okay for him. He’s achieving his dreams, and even if I’m back to where I started before, I’m glad he’s made something of himself.

He deserves every good thing that comes his way.

“I guess it was for the best. Even though I’m a little lost, I had a good run in England. It was nice while it lasted, but I also became a lot more comfortable with who I am, so my stint overseas wasn't a complete failure.”

“You’re not a failure, Amelia,” Paige tells me. “And sometimes, being lost and confused is okay. That just means a new path is about to open for you. At least, that’s what I believe.”

“Do you still love him?” Hads asks me, my head whipping in her direction.

“Even if I did, I doubt he would care after how badly I broke him.” Truth is, it’s a question I can’t answer. What I did to him haunts me around every turn, and if there’s one thing I’ll never forgive myself for, it's the decision I made to break his heart in the middle of the airport.

He deserves better than me, and he probably found that after all these years. I won’t fuck up his life again, and I’m still working on adjusting to my new livelihood.

“Did you know he chased you through the airport? After you left, he stood there while we all tried to wrap our minds around what we saw, andthen he bought a sixty-dollar ticket to nowhere just to chase you down. You never looked back, Amelia. He told us you walked onto that plane without so much of a glance behind you,” Ella tells me. I never knew he did that. “I thought he was going to break where he stood after he came back out.”

“I didn’t know that. I told myself it was the right decision. I told myself the entire flight, the entire first few months I was over there, that I made the right choice. As my life started to spiral, I became more unsure of every decision I made up until that point.”

“Would you redo it if you could?” Hads asks me.

Would I? It’s a good question, one I’ve put way too many sleepless hours into wondering about. “If time worked that way, there are a lot of things I would go back and do differently.”

“But with him, Amelia.” Hads moves closer to me. “What would you do differently with Henry?”

I wouldn't break his heart. “I don’t think I’d let him fall for me in the first place.”

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