Page 80 of Rewriting the Story

“Yes.” She stares back at me, her lips trembling. I can’t tell if it's because she’s cold or nervous about having this conversation. “Why did you have it, Henry?”

“My mother gave it to me over Thanksgiving break that year,” I say to her, not wanting to do this in a parking lot. Still, if we’re finally talking about all this, I’m not going to stop on account of us being in public. “It was my grandmother's ring, and she gave it to me because she knew how I felt about you, Amelia. I was serious about you, about us, so she gave it to me to save for when thetime was right.”

“And the right time was graduation?” she spits at me, her eyes wide and angry.

“No,” I say, getting into her personal space. “I wasn't going to propose to you after graduation.”

“You weren't?”

“No. And the fact that you assumed I would is ridiculous. Amelia, all of this could have been solved if you had just talked to me! I would have been honest with you.”

She shakes her head as I feel a few raindrops fall onto my skin. “But you wanted to give it to me. You were going to.”

“When the time was right! When we finally had our lives sorted out, I was going to get down on one knee and promise to love you for the rest of my life, but we had barely cracked the surface of life in college.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Believe whatever you want, but I’m serious. I wasn't going to do anything we both weren't ready for. I knew I was going to have to wait a few years, but you were the first and only person I ever thought of giving it to. When I looked at my future after college, you were still in it—until you broke my heart at the airport and wrecked all our plans.” I shake my head, my hair suddenly wet as it starts to rain harder, Amelia and I both shouting now. “Why did you break us? Was it your commitment issues again, or does running make you feel better than I ever did?”

“I was scared!” she shouts as she looks up at me. Her hair and outfit are soaked as well, but neither of us moves to get under cover. “I was terrified of what I felt for you, so I ran! It was impulsive, I know that, but it’s all I’ve ever done. I’m still trying to fix the part of myself that runs instead of talking about things.”

“You ran toward me before, Ames! What made you believe you couldn't come to me about the ring?” I take my glasses off; I can barely see out of them with all the water on the lenses.

“I don’t know! I was scared back then!”

“Scared of the idea of marrying me, or scared of committing yourself to someone who just wanted to love you? Or both, Amelia? What was so scary about loving me? Because last I checked, you loved me, and then you turned around and left, taking my heart with you on that plane!” She’s crying, I think, and I might be too, but I can barely see between the rain and tears. “I was bleeding out right in front of you that day, and I wanted you to fight for us. I wanted you to risk the idea of being hurt, of us not working out—which wouldn't have happened, by the way. I would have gone anywhere in the world with you! I would’ve…I would have done anything to be with you forever, Amelia..”

She just shakes her head at me again, her face pinched as she takes in what I said. “You didn't want to marry me, Henry. If I look at myself back then and where I am now, I wouldn't have married me. We made the right choice. It was for the best.”

I can’t decide if she’s trying to convince me or herself of that. I don’t think she believes it, not after all we’ve talked about. “No, Amelia,” I say as I cup her face with my hand. “Youmade the choice. You’re the one who gave up, but I would have fought for us. I would have risked everything to be loved by you, and that’s where we differ. I chose you a thousand times over, and not once did you choose me.”

“We wouldn't have worked!” she yells, her lips inches from mine.

I push away from her, needing some space as I rub the back of my neck, my entire body tense and tight. “Do you remember the day I told you I loved you for the first time?’

Her eyes droop as she nods. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Today reminds me a lot of that night. It was raining then too.”

That only earns me a shrug.

“I didn't tell you I loved you that day to hear you say it back to me.”

“But I did,” she says as she comes closer to me. “And I meant it.”

“I know you did,” I say, emotions bubbling up my chest. “But I told you I loved you because I wanted to make sure you knew you were capable of being loved. I wanted you to know I was hopelessly, completely, insanely in love with you, just as you were. I never wanted to change you, to make you someone else, or anything stupid like that. I wanted you as you were, and I loved you like that too.”

The two of us let the words hang in the air, the weight of them crushing me as I think about how much we could have solved just by having a conversation. Amelia Ellis is the worst communicator I’ve ever met, and all her feelings could have been solved if she had talked to me instead of running to another country.

“So, there you go,” she says. “It’s all on the table now.”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” I agree. “It’s just hard to believe what one person can do to either fuck up your life or make existing feel better. Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if I never met you.”

“Do you wish you never did?” she asks.

“Sometimes,” I tell her. “But I would never regret loving someone how I loved you. I grieve what we could have been if we had just talked. One conversation was all it would have taken, Amelia, but for some reason, you didn't want to have one with me.”

She’s crying harder now, and I can feel the weight crushing the both of us after all we’ve talked about. “I know, and I will live every single day regretting what I did, Henry. We’re grown up now, and everything has changed. I can’t get any of the good times back because I ruined it all. Everything is different, and maybe it’s too late for us.”

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