Page 81 of Rewriting the Story

That last sentence punctures my chest. “One day, you’ll realize, no matter how much you run from something, you’ll never be able to beat it. Another day, you'll realize that, despite all you’ve done, you still deserve to be happy with or without someone. Time will always pass, and we can’t get it back, so yeah, sometimes, I wish I never met you in the first place. But I’ll never regret giving you the parts of myself I did,because what we had was real, and I would never erase that. I can look back and say I was loved, happy, and it changed me. But I can’t save you from your guilt, Amelia. Only you can.”

I walk over to her and grab her hand, the two of us crying in the rain, thinking about the life we could have had that is no longer within our grasp.

Then, she lets go of my hand, reaches up to her neck, and unclasps the necklace I bought her before she tucks it into my palm, her eyes meeting mine. She doesn't let go of me, she doesn't say a single word—just a look, the necklace between our palms as the rain soaks us.

It could be a few minutes or hours we stand like this, just existing in one another's presence one last time. As Ella and Leo come out to the parking lot, our hands fall, and it feels like we’re both letting each other go.

Amelia and I are no longer tied together how we used to be. We knew one another, we loved one another, but now, we’re past that. Someday, I’ll look back on this moment and realize this was what was best. We would never work. Amelia has a lot of personal shit to sort through, and I’m finally going to be able to move on from all my unanswered questions.

I’m letting go of what could have been. Amelia is right. In a way, maybe we wouldn't have worked. Maybe we would have crashed and burned, and she just sped up the process by pouring lighter fluid over our relationship.

“Are you guys okay?” Ella asks as she comes over to us.

The two of us nod, not saying a word. As we all pack into the car and head back to the hotel, I find myself wondering what the rest of the week holds. After the wedding, Amelia will be back in England, I’ll be back at my apartment, and I’ll probably never see these guys again.

But how lucky am I to say I once loved, had a friend group that felt like home, and experienced life alongside these people? Pretty damn lucky, ifI say so myself. Grand Mountain changed my life forever, and one day in thirty years, when I think back on this week, I’ll look back with joy in my heart that I had one last chance.

30

As ItWas by Harry Styles

SincePaigeandHadsare down greeting their guests who arrived this morning, I’ve taken this morning as an opportunity to apply to some jobs and even read a little bit. It’s been an absolutely overwhelming few days, but I’m still grateful I can find these moments to unwind.

Not only have Claire and Jacks finally arrived—Grant has been talking about them nonstop—but so have Nick and Noah, Oliver’s only two other friends on the planet. I didn't know they all still talked and kept up with one another, but if I couldn't even keep up with my best friends' lives, then I definitely wasn't going to check up on Oliver’s.

Paige and Oliver have kept this wedding small, the only people coming to it being those who truly matter to them, and I’m still honored to fitthat bill. Still, I can’t help but feel like an outsider. I know I apologized and everything, but the disconnect is still present, and I doubt it will be going away anytime soon.

Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if I never met you.

That one sentence infiltrates my thoughts again and again, because everything he said was right. Sometimes, I wish I didn't know me. I wish I could undo every mistake, bad move, and dumb thing I’ve ever done, but life doesn't work that way.

I cannot believe I yelled at Henry in the parking lot. I can’t believe I got in his face and made a fucking fool of myself in public. It was impulsive and stupid and I was clearly off my medication. If I wasn't, I would have at least thought about the repercussions.

I have to apologize. It was the wrong way to go about all of this, and I regret not only that Henry saw me like that, but that Ella and Leo had to witness it as well.

The entire conversation has been replaying in my mind on a loop. I remember every single thing about the way he looked at me, the number of droplets on his glasses, the feel of his hand when I gave him the necklace back.

And since the end of our conversation felt how it did, I can only assume it was the end. No longer are Henry and I intertwined as we were. When he dropped my hand in that lot, it’s like he severed the tie we had with one another, and no matter how shitty that makes me feel, I have to accept it. I know he can’t look at me without seeing the girl he loved in college, and I can’t look at him without seeing the boy whose heart I ripped to shreds.

The only love I’ve ever felt was from him, and I don’t know if it feels this horrible when other people fall in love, but Henry and I almost felt cosmic, as if some greater power was at work when we first met.

I reach for my necklace, suddenly feeling anxious, only to remember I gave it back to him. I couldn't have kept it anymore, and maybe it was never really mine to begin with.

A Few Hours Later

“Whatcolorareyougoing to get?” Hads asks me as I flip through the color selection. All of us girls—the book club, Claire, and Sadie—are getting our nails done before the rehearsal dinner tonight. Paige thought we all deserved some girl time while the guys got settled, and I’m excited to have my nails done again.

I usually just do my own, but when I was over in England, I really dropped the ball on self-care. Not only was I falling apart on the inside, but I feel like people could tell on the outside too.

“I’m thinking of a soft blue,” I say as I bring the book closer to her. “I can't decide between these two.”

“I like the one on the left.” Ella pokes her head over, already having chosen a red that looks stunning. Paige is getting French tips, but with lavender instead of white so she matches her bouquet.

“Sold,” I say as the technicians all lead us to our spots. Hads, Paige, and Sadie are behind where Ella, Claire and I sit, and I try to fully relax myself as I hold my hands in front of me.

“So, Claire,” Hads says from behind us. “How has photographing the Appalachian Avalanche been?”

“It’s the best job ever, honestly.” She smiles next to me. “Thankfully, I’m only ever doing home games, so I don’t have to travel as much, but it isinsanely fun.”

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