Page 54 of Let Me

I wipe my mouth with a napkin and quietly push away from the table.

“Judah, don’t leave,” Mom says.“Y’all need to work this out.Come on now.This is not how a family is supposed to behave.”

“It’s all good, Ma.I’m out.And he’s right.I shouldn’t be working at the store.I’ll continue being the nobody he thinks I am since I’m so good at it.”

I walk home feeling lower than I’ve felt in a while.There’s always a low part to me that I keep hidden, but when true depression sets in, anyone looking at me can tell something’s off.Right now, I’m off, and I don’t know when I’ll get back on.What I do know is, he’s right.I live how I live because I know that as soon as my life gets to the point where I want it – as soon as I accomplish my wildest dreams – it’s going to all come to an end.That’s how life happens.It makes you feel like you’re on top of the world one minute and then, bam!—it all comes crashing down and you didn’t even see it coming.Just like this evening…

A dinner that started off promising ended up with me getting into it with my father.Life is unpredictable like that.As soon as you think you have it figured out, it shows you that you don’t know a thing.

Chapter 18

My house smells like a restaurant.I’ve cooked a meal I think Judah will love.It’s one of those meals that my mother claims is the way to a man’s heart.Who can resist a well-seasoned pot roast?I’ll tell you who – nobody!And I make mine just like my mama taught me – with homemade gravy and extra baby carrots.I made cornbread from scratch.I even baked a lemon cake – don’t remember the last time I did that – and it came out beautifully.

I look at my watch.Judah was supposed to be here by now.It’s only ten after but he’s usually early rather than late.I call him but not before glancing outside to make sure he’s not still sitting in his car.He’s done that a few times, too.

Dialing his number, I listen intently, waiting for him to pick up, but he doesn’t answer.I call right back again.I’ll leave a voicemail this time, but when I hear, “Hello,” I smile, glad I don’t have to.

“Hey, Judah.”

“Hey, Autumn.”

Right away I can detect something is wrong by his tone.He sounds burdened, a little down and just not his usual upbeat self.

“Is everything okay?”I ask.

“Uhm…”

He pauses.No, everything is not okay.I feel it.I sense it in the uncomfortable silence of this phone.

“Judah—”

“I won’t be joining you for dinner this evening.”

“Why not?Is everything okay?”

“I want to apologize in advance for what I’m about to say, Autumn.”

“Judah—”

“Please, just listen.I’ve been doing some thinking over the last few days and the weeks I’ve spent with you have been some of the happiest times of my life.But, I’m having issues internally with myself, and I’ve concluded that you deserve better than what I have to offer you.”

“Judah, don’t say that.What are you talking about?We’re good together.We have fun together.I cooked a meal for us to enjoy this evening.Where is this coming from?”

“It’s not coming from anywhere,” he tells me.“It’s been this way all along.I told you from the beginning I couldn’t be with anyone—that all I had to offer you was friendship.”

“You did,” I say, feeling weak.“That’s exactly what you said.However, friends don’t kiss each other the way you kissed me.I spent nights at your house.We’ve spent a lot of time together, Judah.You just sent me flowers a few days ago—”

“That was a mistake.I should’ve stopped it.I shouldn’t have gone this far with you.”

“Judah, stop—”

“No, listen to me, Autumn.This is hard enough as it is, just…”

The line goes quiet again.After a few more seconds creep by, he says, “You are an amazing, phenomenal woman.I knew that from the moment I first laid eyes on you.And yes, I kissed you because I had a lapse in judgment, thinking we could’ve actually had something.Wedidhave something, but I was reminded of who I am.Do you know who I am, Autumn?I am a man who’s living in limbo like my father said.It’s not like I had a choice in the matter, but that’s what it is.I do, however, have a choice not to drag you down with me.So, I’m letting you go.”

“No, you’re not,” I say in tears.“I’m packing up the food.I’ll be over to your place in twenty minutes.”

“Autumn—”

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