Page 59 of Let Me

It’s her.

Autumn.

She loves me.I love her, too, though I’ve never told her.It’s those feelings I have for her that make me want to do things differently.It’s the way she goes out of her way for me.The way she smiles.She brings that missing puzzle piece into my life.What do I bring to hers?

Seeing her cry at the park, the way the tears ran down her face was worse than going through chemo.My illness isn’t because of what someone did to me.It just happened.Her tears are a direct result ofmyactions.I caused her pain, and that’s something I can’t get over.I know I need to do something about it because I—I need her in my life even when I know she needs something different.How can we coexist when I want her to have a life that I can’t give her and yet, I still want her?

Chapter 22

Sitting across the table from Tyler, all I can think about is how Riley called him ‘EBT’ fine.It’s the reason for my smiles, though he thinks it’s because I’m enjoying myself.Well, I am, sort of.It’s a change of pace and he is a good-looking dude.He’s about six feet with a light complexion.He’s clean-shaven, and I found out from Riley he was twenty-nine.I’m on this blind date with no expectations.This is just something to take my mind of Judah temporarily.I haven’t seen Judah in almost a month, and while my heart hurts, I can’t chase a man and make him want something he doesn’t.If a man wants you, he wants you.It’s as simple as that.

“Do you live around here?”I hear Tyler ask.His eyes look glassy.By the way he’s looking at me, you’d think he was crazy over me, but this is our first date – my first date withMr.EBT Fine.He seems hopeful that this is going to be the beginning of something great.I, on the other hand, am guilty of using Tyler as a palate cleanser.It makes me sick to think of him that way because nobody deserves that.However, it’s not entirely my fault.Riley talked me into this.

After getting myself together, I say, “Yes, I live in Arden.You?”

“I’m in Fletcher, you know, Arden’s big cousin.”

“You mean Arden’s little cousin.Arden is bigger than Fletcher.”

“Sure about that?”he asks, whipping out his cell phone like he’s about to prove me wrong when I’ve been living in this city for years.As he’s doing his investigating, I ask, “Where are you from again?”

“Fayetteville.”

I laugh.“Yeah, I know this area more than you do, buddy.”

He’s quiet as he looks up the information.I watch confusion wash over his face when he says, “You know what?You’re exactly right.Arden is bigger than Fletcher.How did I not know that?”

“Because you’re from Fayetteville.Duh.You don’t hear me trying to tell you about your military bases, do you?”

He grins.“My bad.I’ll stay in my lane.”

“Thank you.”

“What are you thinking about ordering?”

“Probably just some appetizers.I’ll take a pretzel or something.”

“I’m a meat guy.I need protein.”

When the waiter comes by, I order pretzel bites.He gets boneless wings.I jump right back into the conversation and ask, “Are you like one of those hardcore gym guys?”

“No, not at all.I do workout, but I believe I have what they call adad bodbeneath this shirt.”

“Speaking of dad bod, do you have children?”

“Yes—a daughter.She’s six.You?”

“No children for me yet.Have you ever been married?”

“I was married.Me and my daughter’s mother tried to make things work, but we just couldn’t get along.”

“It happens, I suppose.”

“What about you?”

“No—never been married, but I want to be, one day.I’m not rushing it, though.If it happens, it happens, but it has to be with the right one.”

The appetizers arrive.I dip pretzel bites in cheese and he dips chicken wings in blue cheese.

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