Page 84 of City of Love

I give a mirthless laugh. “You can stop asking if we’re hopeful for the future,” I say. He made himself very clear on that matter.

“I refuse,” she says, shaking her head with a vehemence that surprises me. “I’ll stop asking, if you want, but I don’t think your story is over yet.”

I just shrug, because everything she’s saying hurts.

“I’ll stop asking,” she says, her voice softer now. “And I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Do we need to hate him today?”

I sigh. “I’m not sure,” I admit. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“All right,” she says. “Well, let’s test it out.” She clears her throat, sitting up a little straighter. Then, in a snooty voice that doesn’t at all suit her, she says, “He doesn’t deserve you.”

I give a snort of laughter—real laughter. “That feels wrong,” I say, finally relaxing my body. I scoot back to lean against my headboard, and Jade does the same.

Then she nods and says, “Okay, good. So we don’t hate him.”

“I’m pretty sure we love him,” I say quietly.

“I think so too, babe,” she says, rubbing my back.

I sigh. “How can you fall in love with someone in a matter of weeks? It doesn’t work like that.”

She shrugs, her expression pensive. “Not usually,” she says slowly, “but you’ve known him for years. It’s not like you just met—more that you just got the full picture.” She hesitates, and then she goes on. “If he emailed you and said he’d changed his mind, what would you do?”

I’m silent for a second, even though I don’t need to be. It’s not like I haven’t played that scenario over in my head a billion times. “You can’t just change your mind about your feelings,” I finally say. “They’re either there or they aren’t.” I shrug. “So, I don’t know. I would require an explanation. I think…” I drift off, pondering. Then I take a deep breath, preparing to put words to my deepest, most unrealistic desires. “In an alternate universe, I would hope for a situation where he’s just…not ready for me. Not that he doesn’t deserve me, but that he isn’t ready yet. I know that’s not the case,” I add quickly. “Not in the here and now. But…” I trail off again, shrugging as my cheeks heat with embarrassment.

Because I’m a mess. I can’t even figure out how I feel. Am I angry? Am I sad? Do I want him? Do I not? Somehow, it feels like all of those are true, and that doesn’t make one bit of sense to me.

Maybe it’s just that my romantic feelings for Noel are deeper than my anger. Maybe that’s why I’m so confused, so conflicted. I wouldn’t be so hurt, after all, if I didn’t care about him deeply.

But really, who knows?

“All right, well,” Jade says. “Should we change the subject?”

“Yes,” I say gratefully. Noel and Marcus are all I think about anymore. I’d like to at least pretend I can be occupied with something else.

Jade nods. “Great, because I sort of…have something to tell you.”

My eyebrows shoot up at her tone. She soundsnervous. Jade doesn’t really get nervous.

“Okay,” I say, feeling nervous myself when I see how on edge she is. Is she dying or something?

She covers her face with her hands, a second too late to hide how red she’s turning. Then, in one rush of words, she says, “Ikindofkissedyourbrother.”

Silence—in the room and in my brain.

Then everything starts moving again.

“You kissed Ian?” I say loudly, a giddy sort of happiness rising up in me. I embrace that feeling like a long-lost friend.

“Shh!” she says, shushing me with frantic hands and looking at the bedroom door. “Keep it down! Someone might hear.”

“Sorry, sorry!” I say quickly, lowering my voice. “But please, tell meeverything. How did this happen?Whendid this happen? Was it good?” Then, crinkling my nose, I add, “No, you know what, don’t answer that last one.”

When Jade doesn’t answer, I look more closely at her.

She looks miserable.

“Oh, no, Jade,” I say softly, scooting closer to her. I hadn’t considered the possibility that the kiss could’ve gone badly. My happiness for her wilts, but I ignore that. This isn’t about me. “What happened? Do you want to tell me?” I won’t be surprised if she says no; Jade rarely talks about her feelings.

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