Page 87 of City of Love

“I’m so sorry, Lydia.” His voice is raw, his eyes pained. “Please know that.” He takes a hesitant step forward, and when I don’t push him away, he takes another. “I never meant to make you feel that, because it’s not true,chérie. It’s not true, all right?”

I shake my head, tears threatening once again. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Don’t lie to make me feel better.”

Noel pushes one hand through his hair, looking tense. “It’s not a lie,” he says, so quietly I almost don’t hear him. He’s suddenly not looking at me, focusing instead on a point just over my shoulder. “It’s not a lie,” he says again. “I always want you. Always.”

“What?” I say. Well, it’s more of a croak. My eyes are wide, spilling silent tears like there’s no tomorrow. Hope, tiny and traitorous, tries to spring up within me. I lock it down, barely breathing as I wait for him to go on.

He sighs heavily, running his hand through his hair again. “Look, Lydia, I do want you, all right? I—” He breaks off, swearing under his breath in French. His eyes meet mine, and I can almost see him strengthening his resolve. He covers the last of the distance between us in one small step. “I am very in love with you,” he says softly. “I’m in love with your laugh and your smile, with your temper and fierceness and resilience. I love the way you put ketchup on your eggs and the way you stomp your foot when you’re mad. I love the way you see the world, and I love your courage.”

He shakes his head, and a new vulnerability slips over his face. “But I’m not the man you deserve. I’m stubborn and unyielding. I’m a criminal, for goodness’ sakes—”

“You’re awhat?” says Ian from out of nowhere, and I glance up to see him storming around the corner and into view.

I speak without thinking, because all of my mind is tied up in what Noel is saying.

“Ian, if you ruin my declaration of love,so help meI will never forgive you,” I say, stepping in front of my brother and glaring at him. I point to the doorway he just came from. “Out.Now. Andstop eavesdropping!”

“Are you serious, Lyd?” he says, looking incredulous. “He just admitted to being a criminal!”

“I saidout!” I say, stomping my foot angrily—something Noel apparently loves. “Take your big brother/cop thing somewhere else.” I step closer to Ian. “He is agood man, Ian,” I whisper, wiping tears from my eyes. “And just as overprotective as you are. I’m safe with him. Besides,” I add, “it’s not like he’s proposing. Just go, okay?”

Ian looks serious as he searches my face. Finally he sighs and nods. He drops a kiss on my forehead and then glares at Noel.I’m watching you,he mouths.

I just roll my eyes. “Go,” I say, and he finally leaves.

Once I’ve watched him retreat, I look back to Noel, sighing. His words are singing through my mind, but so is his clear hesitation. I would be lying if I said I’m not crazy about this man. He’s been my rock—not only over the past two weeks, but over the past three years, too.

But…he’s also helped me be myownrock. So after taking a deep breath, I shore up my mental strength and then say what I have to say.

“Why are you here, Noel?” My voice is soft, and I can’t keep the desperate pain out of it. I swallow thickly, trying to rein in my tears. Because this next part might kill me, but it has to be said. “I’m not interested in declarations of love followed by the word ‘but.’ Either you’re in or you’re out. Why did you come here?”

“I’m in,” he says, his gaze burning with an intensity that takes my breath away. He closes the distance between us, but he makes no move to touch me. “That is—” He breaks off, and he suddenly looks hesitant. “If you want. If not, I understand—I truly do. And you have no obligation to me, Lydia. I don’t know how to be the kind of man you deserve.” I see him swallow as his eyes flit over my face.

He just looks at me for a second, and I cock a brow at him, trying not to let my worry show. I watch as his eyes darken with resolve, and then he speaks again.

“I haven’t figured out how to be a good man,” he says. “But Idoknow how to try. Harder than I’ve ever tried for anything. That’s what I can promise you right now: my unending effort to be a better man. Because you’re it for me,chérie.” He exhales slowly, one hand gently pushing my hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear. “You’re it.”

I sigh softly, leaning into his touch. My heart races as I turn his words over—and over and over.

Because he’s it for me, too. I guess I could be wrong, but what I feel in my bones? It’s that he’s the one for me. Or, rather, that someday hewillbe the one. I’m only eighteen, after all.

“Don’t answer yet,” he says after a second. He presses a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I’m going to be here for a week. Think about if this is something you want to do, all right? And then call me. Whatever you decide, I’ll understand. Okay? And if you need more time, we can talk about that too.”

I nod slowly, but I already know my answer. I see him more clearly than he sees himself. He deserves love. He’sworthyof love. Heisa good man. And I love him for where he is, yes, but also for the direction he’s going. All I ask is that he try to move in the right direction.

And he’s trying to do that.

“I’m in,” I whisper to him, bringing my hands up to his face. I revel in the sandpaper roughness of his cheeks, covered with a few days’ growth—in the warmth of his skin and the lines of his jaw. “I’m in.”

Noel blinks in surprise, his eyes widening. He genuinely looks shocked, and he just stares at me for a second. His voice is hoarse when he finally says, “You…want me?”

“Yes,” I say fiercely. “I absolutely do.”

“I—are you sure?”

The desperate hope shining in his eyes almost makes me cry all over again. I’ve never seen him more vulnerable than he is in this moment. He’s trying to look calm and collected, I can tell, but his eyes tell me the truth.

“I’m very sure,” I say, my voice firm. I drop my arms, letting them move around his waist instead.

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