Page 69 of A Not-So Holiday Paradise

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January14

January is a stupid month. I don’t see any reason it needs to last this long.

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January16

Today I initiated a casual, social conversation with a guy at work. We talked about the weather. It was painful. I hated every second. I wish I could tell her.

She’d be proud of me.

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January20

One of the pokey things broke off the Christmas cactus. It’s been sitting on the table but I accidentally knocked it off, and one of the spike thingies snapped off. I tried to tape it back on because I don’t have any glue, but obviously that didn’t work. Tape isn’t meant for fake cacti. It’s too late to go out and buy glue since the stores are closed now, so I’m going to have to get some tomorrow morning and hope it works. Superglue is probably what I need if I can find it. I’ll google the best kinds of superglue and see if I can find that. There’s a little hardware store a couple miles down the road; I think they open at 9:00.

I’ll be there at 9:01.

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January21

I fixed the cactus. It’s a little messy, but it’s better than the tape. I turned the side with the glue toward the wall so you don’t see it anyway.

New couch came today. I’m happy about that. It looks pretty good. It’s secondhand, but there are no weird stains or anything.

Work at the job site is going to start wrapping up in a few weeks. I need to figure out my next steps. I think I’ve been waiting for word from her, but what if she’s waiting to hear from me? Her work study thing starts in February, but if we’re going to meet up we’ll need to talk before that.

My emotions are weird these days. I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about her now that she’s not around. But whenever I try to delve into all that, I end up putting it off, because thinking about her makes me…sad, I guess. It doesn’t help that Wes keeps asking me what’s going on between the two of us.

I don’t know. I don’t have answers or magical insights to all of my feelings.

I just miss her.

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January22

I went over to the hut after work today. First time I’ve been back. I shouldn’t have gone. I remembered that dream I had while we slept on the floor and I remembered how she looked all covered in mud, glaring up at me after I dropped her.

I don’t think Molly is the kind of woman who leaves your life quietly. She leaves a gaping hole in her absence, one that screams and makes creaking noises in the middle of the night, like footsteps on rickety stairs.

I want her to come back.

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January27

So close to February. As soon as the first of the month hits, I’m getting her new phone number from Wes. If he won’t give it to me, I’ll ask their mom instead.

I’m coming for you, Molly O’Malley.

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January 27,later

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