Page 84 of Muskoka Miracle

“What? What do you want me to say? Sure, go on your tour, get exhausted, and let’s have another miscarriage like last year.”

Her mouth dropped. “Are you seriously blaming me for that?”

He winced. No.

“Don’t you remember what the doctor said? We have chromosomal incompatibility, Dan. So we’re not one of those couples who get the dream pregnancy. Or any kind of pregnancy that lasts long enough to have a child, it seems.”

“That’s not true.” It couldn’t be true. “Please don’t say that anymore.”

She muttered things he couldn’t quite catch, but it sounded like she was reeling off a list of yet more things she couldn’t do.

He needed to rein in his temper, get this back into level ground. He hated arguing with her. She was too good at making him feel bad. “I didn’t mean to say that before, Sar.”

Her eyes sparkled with angry tears. “Oh no, it’s good to see you being honest for once, instead of pretending everything will be fine when clearly it’s not.”

Oh, he was glad they were in the car and couldn’t be heard by anyone else. What happened to Team Walton?Lord, his heart ached,please heal us. “I don’t understand why you’re resisting this, Sar. Surely you want this baby to be healthy.”

“Didn’t you hear the man just now? He clearly doesn’t expect this child to be healthy. I don’t think he even expects this baby to live.”

Her words slashed at his heart, voicing his own silent fears. But faith couldn’t let those words stand, even if his heart wavered sometimes. “This baby will live.”

“Will it?”

It had to. “In Jesus’s name.”

Her face crumpled. “I hate going there each time and only hearing what is wrong.”

He did, too. “So what are you saying? You want to find another obstetrician?”

“I don’t know what I want, except to find some hope, instead of feeling like I’m living in a world of ‘no, no, no’ all the time.”

A faint verse rang softly in the back of his mind, something about God being the God of Yes and Amen. But he didn’t know where that was, so said nothing. Nothing, except, “I love you, Sarah.”

She covered her face in her hands. “I love you too. I just wish this wasn’t so hard.”

That was a definite yes and amen.

* * *

“And so,”Sarah sniffled, “I’m really sorry, but it turns out that I won’t be able to join the Heartsong Collective tour after all.”

Sarah wiped away stupid tears, and finished reading her script. “I’m really sorry for letting people down, but thanks to medical advice, I need to stay put for the moment. But I hope to see you sometime soon.” Although how she would ever manage that she had no idea. “Anyway, on that sober note, thanks for listening toTime Out with Sarah. We can trust Him with it all, yeah?”

She played the outro music, wincing. She hadn’t meant to finish that last word with an upward inflection, like a question. Even if it did feel true.

She sagged into her seat. Plopped her head in her hands. Trusting God in the unknown seemed so much harder this time around. Yes, she’d seen His faithfulness in the past. Yes, she’d witnessed His miracles. She placed a hand on her belly. This life was a miracle. Sheknewthat. But God had let her down before. And if the doctor was right, then the latest round of testing would reveal a problem.

Oh,whydid Dan have to be away on a road trip? He’d suggested his mother accompany Sarah to the clinic, but she’d rather not have that woman’s negativity compound her own. Telling Dan’s family about the pregnancy at Thanksgiving had not met with the joy they’d hoped, apart from with Sam. God bless Sam. And God needed to bless Helen and Andrew, because Sarah was finding it hard to. Their congratulations had been muted at best, almost like they were thinking, ‘what’s the point?’ as if they expected news of another miscarriage in a few weeks.

No, she needed Dan’s faith, because hers felt so weak. “And who else have I got right now, Lord?”

Other names, faces, floated to mind, then were instantly dismissed. Ange? Lived too far away. She could ask Jackie or Toni she supposed. But the fact those women had children while she had none meant they wouldn’t understand. So no. Not an option. Not a viable option.

She cringed. Ugh. Now Dr. McKinnon’s clinical speak was infecting her brain!

She closed her eyes, willing the tears to stay away. She’d looked up the test Dr. McKinnon had recommended, and realized one of the risk factors for that kind of intrusive test was miscarriage. How could he recommend a test like that? Was this test even necessary? Did it even matter if the baby had major health issues? They’d still want the child, regardless.Ifthe baby survived long enough to be born.

If.Always if.

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