Page 129 of Savage Promises

The pain in her voice guts me. “Ma, it’s okay. We had each other.”

Shaking her head, she says, “Three older brats who chased you down and stuck your head in a toilet for fun was no substitute for a mother’s love.”

I resist a snort, remembering being hunted and hiding from my older brothers.

“Then your sister got sick.” Ma’s voice gets low and her eyes dark.

I squeeze her hand, understanding how this weighed on her. “All I remember was you crying all the time. I didn’t understand.”

“And all I remember is the look in your eyes when I left this house with your sister in an ambulance. Of all mychildren standing there, crying in the doorway, I sawyou. Your sad eyes. I disappeared into that ambulance, trying to save your sister. But I lost you in the process.”

I swallow the tight knot in my throat. “Ma...”

“I tried to make it up to you. To all of you. But you lads grew up fast after that and became these hardened men I barely recognized. I told myself you didn’t need softness anymore.” Her voice breaks. “But that wasn’t true, was it?”

“No,” I whisper.

She squeezes my hand. “You learned to stop needing love because I stopped giving it. I failed you. And I’m sorry, my darling boy.”

I lower my head, jaw tight. “Ma. I get what you’re saying. But I’m thirty-two. I’m responsible for myself.”

“But if we understand why we feel the way we feel, we won’t be so afraid.” She puts her hand under my chin. “And you’re afraid to love. Or you were.” A smile finally lifts her lips. “You got down on your hands and knees for the lass?”

I wipe my eyes, cringing at the picture Connor or Griffin or Ewan, or all three talking over each other, painted about my public meltdown. “I did. But she wouldn’t talk to me.”

“You threw her out of her home, Shane,” Ma’s tone turns rough.

“I was hurting. Afraid it would get worse.”

“She’s the real thing for you, isn’t she?” Ma asks gently. “Your Lennox?”

I nod once.

“Then you need to trust yourself. Trusther. But give her time. A strong lass can’t be rushed.”

I close my eyes. “I don’t know how to wait, or ease this emptiness.”

“I do.” She smiles and wipes a tear from my cheekbefore I even know it’s there. “And you’re going to stay right here and let me love you. Only you. Fill you with the trust you need to open your heart to Lennox. By letting yourselfbeloved.”

Next, Ma is hugging me again and I’m hugging her back. Her perfume, the familiar blend of powder and spice fills my nose. With her arms around me, old wounds in my heart start to heal. Not from losing Lennox, but deeper wounds I didn’t know I had.

There’s a knock at the front door and Caroline answers it. I hear friendly female conversation and then Caroline steps into Ma’s parlor. “Your housekeeper dropped this off. Smells like pot roast.”

Ma and I eat, and she’s impressed with Liz’s cooking. She also dropped off a packed bag for me. I’m guessing my brothers went back to my house and orchestrated my intervention.

Instead of a room full of people telling me I’ve lost my mind, I only needed my mother. I need my wife more, but we’re both broken and need to heal.

After dinner and a drink, I climb the stairs. Ma kisses me gently and peels off to her wing. I step into my old bedroom. It still smells faintly like cedar and books but also cherry lollipops. I think Ewan’s daughters sleep in this room when they stay over.

I walk straight to the window. And there it is. The Donnelly house. Lennox’s bedroom in dark. I used to sit here for hours, pretending I wasn’t watching her. Or cared. But I was. I did.

I was always watching her.

I lower myself into the chair by the window and exhale for the first time in hours.

I know how to heal. And I know how to start again.

It begins with Lennox Donnelly.

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