Page 14 of Their Darkest Needs

I sigh and get up. Cool air brushes over my skin, causing me to get goosebumps. I walk over to the window and close it. It’s odd because I swear it was closed when I went to bed, and Ryan doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be leaving windows open unguarded.

Talking about Ryan, where is he? Every time I get up, he’s no longer in bed and sometimes he doesn’t even sleep at the same time as me, making it almost feel like I’ve just been alone inthis bed the whole night. If it wasn’t for his sleepy hugs and soft kisses, I would not have known he slept here at all.

Where does he even go in the morning? All of this doesn’t help with the insecurities that go through my head, and so far, he still hasn’t told me what his job is. He’s going to have to tell me at some point.

“Ryan?” My voice is echoing through the hallways. This place sometimes feels like an abandoned building. Every time I’m alone in here, I feel as if this house is just empty. No matter how many decorations and furniture, it’s only me and my thoughts in this big empty house.

Out of habit, I open my phone to text Mara, but then realisation hits me, reminding me she’s no longer here and I’m alone.

I sit down on the cold floor and go through the photos Ryan was able to save when my phone got damaged during the attack. Ryan bought me a new phone, so I can’t see our old messages to each other anymore, even though he saved her old number there for me to still hear her old voicemail. He tried to get it all back, but these pictures were the only survivors. Well, I am too, I guess.Sometimes I just don’t feel lucky about that at all.

A tear starts to slide down my cheek, and I don’t even bother to wipe it off. I just want all of this to be over.

“Love, why are you on the floor?” Ryan’s voice breaks through my thoughts and I look up to see him standing over me. It only takes him a couple of seconds before he moves and picks me up to seat me on his lap, holding me against his broad chest. Instead of just making me get up, we both stay there while he holds me. I hide my face in the crook of his neck and just let it all out. I can feel his hold on me tightening while he keeps telling me that I’ll be okay and that things will get better, but it all just feels like one big lie.

I don’t think there’s a way out, not without her. So I cry, and I cry until I’m too tired to keep going, until there’s no more tears left to fall, and until my body goes into that numb state that ends up making me fall asleep.

“I got your clothes for the funeral. Do you need help getting them on?” he softly says against my hair. I wipe my face with the back of my hands and look into his eyes. I completely forgot about the funeral being today. I’m supposed to give a speech too, but I don’t think I can do it. I don’t want to mourn in front of all these people who didn’t even know her like I did. I want to just be alone with her and give my goodbye while telling stories of us together that I still remember. Not in front of a family that never cared for her.

“I don’t want to go.” I embrace myself for Ryan telling me I am behaving like a child, but all he does is kiss my forehead.

“I know it’s hard, and if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but I think you’ll regret not being there when they give their last goodbye.” I hate that he’s right about it, and I know I can’t just abandon her like that. She died because I wasn’t there. I should be there now. What kind of horrible friend am I right now? I don’t think she would’ve wanted this for me.

Ryan helps me stand back up and takes me to the bathroom, helping me into this stupid black dress. I used to love wearing black, now I feel like burning everything and never wearing something like it again.

I don’t really talk on the way out of the house, even though Ryan talks to me to try keeping me out of my own head. He even tries to make me laugh, and sometimes it slightly works, but it’s never for long because I know this will be the last time I’ll ever be close to her again. It will be the last time I’ll see her and it hurts, so fucking much.

Ryan walks me to the car, and the dread I have been feeling before is starting to multiply. The whole ride was just a blur and suddenly I am standing there.

She’s in the coffin in front of me, her eyes are closed, and it looks like she’s just sleeping, like I could wake her up and everything will be okay again, only I can’t and it won't be. My breathing is shallow and I feel like throwing up. Is this how life works? We’re born, we live, we die, and then get buried while the rest moves on. Like you never existed in the first place.

Only she did exist –she lived, she laughed, and she breathed the same air we all do now. She shouldn’t be forgotten, she shouldn’t be lying there. She should be here with me, laughing, living life to the fullest like we intended to do.

I take a step closer even though my mind is telling me to run. I can’t do this to her.She can’t do this to me. How does she fucking dare to die on me like that. Doesn’t she know how much I need her? That I can’t do this, life without her.

There’s a hand on my shoulder, and I look behind me to see Ryan standing there, his eyes slightly watering. He knows it's hard for me, and he gently grabs my elbow and walks me to the chair, placing his arm around me. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve just ended it myself. I wouldn’t even try living without her.

Right now, he is my anchor pulling me back from the darkness and the loneliness that’s in my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay him for this.

“We don’t have to stay after the burial, we can go back home and have a lazy evening with takeout and movies.” I wasn’t planning on staying here anyway, but I am grateful for how understanding he’s been to me about all of this, not just today. No one has ever been so understanding to me, except for Mara, of course.

His friend—I think it was Felix —is also here with his very pregnant wife as a support for me, but I haven't had a chance totalk to them yet. I look behind me to see his wife showing me a sad smile. I turn back. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t know her, and even though she means well, I'm just not sure how to feel about all of this.

“I’m sorry, is this seat taken?” I frown at the woman but nod anyway. I don’t know her and I’ve never seen her before, but maybe it’s from a time I don’t remember. She seems oddly familiar.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” I whisper to her while she sits right beside me.

“Oh yes, memory loss, right. I’m Adelina, I am—was,I guess Mara’s girlfriend.” She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. Her girlfriend? How can I not have thought about the possibility? I forgot about my own husband too, so I mean I could’ve forgotten her girlfriend as well. I'm so selfish to not even ask about it. She must be having such a hard time too, and here I’ve been wallowing in my own grief, not even thinking about whether there might be someone out there also feeling the same way I do.

“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” She lifts our entwined hands up, shushing me.

“Sweety, don’t you have enough to deal with as it is? Don’t apologise. If you need to talk, I’m here.” She’s very beautiful. There's an innocent look to her; she has long, wavy, red-dyed hair, and is wearing a cute dress with flowers on it. There are tears sliding down her cheeks. I can see why Mara would fall in love with her.

I nod at her and we sit back in silence while Ryan keeps rubbing my back. Don’t get me wrong, because I am extremely grateful to both of them, but all I want to do is just make a run for it and hide away in my room. Ignore this whole day.

After the speeches, where I’m glad Ryan arranged that I didn’t have to do one, we all get up so we can place our hands on the coffin as a final goodbye. I don’t know if it’s the need toget out of here or the last bit of strength I still have left, but somehow, I make it over there.

Having Ryan and Adelina both standing close to me, looking worried like I might break down any moment now, I think I actually might.

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