Page 173 of Phoenix's Fire

I nodded. "But he stopped being kind and sweet the moment we were married. I only ever broke the rules once! I told Callah and Ayla about what happens in the marriage bed and how much it hurts, and he caught us. He hit us, but Ayla just kept pushing, and he hit her again, and she glared. There she was, breaking even more rules, and now she's here, doing the same thing."

"Oh, Meri..." Lessa breathed, pulling me closer to hug me against her shoulder.

"And now we're here, and she's so happy, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" I admitted, feeling the first sob crack my voice. "I'm not brave! I'm not smart. I'm just a wife, and all I know is how to be a good wife, but none of that applies here, so I'm just in the way, and all I want is to be useful to someone!"

"Shh..." she breathed, smoothing my hair down my back. "Oh, Meri, you are useful. Look at how you just jumped in to take care of Drozel's tail? Or how about all of this? You're so good at sewing! You're also a very pretty girl, and Ayla isn't perfect. She's obnoxious and oblivious and sometimes even arrogant. And that's fine, but it doesn't mean she's better than you, Meri."

"But she got what she wanted!" I huffed.

So Lessa leaned me back. "So what do you want?"

"I don't want to be pregnant!" I wailed, feeling the tears flood my eyes and start to spill over. "I don't want to die!"

"We won't let you die," she swore.

"And I don't want to be Gideon's wife!"

She nodded. "We can get you a divorce."

I sucked in my lower lip. "I don't want to be scared all the time."

"Oh, baby," Lessa breathed, hugging me against her again. "That's going to take a bit. Everything is new and different up here, and that's okay. You have the chance to see what you want to do, okay? You get a chance to figure it out."

"But I don't know what I'm supposed to be!"

"What do you want to be?" she asked.

All I could do was shrug. "I like sewing, but it's not the same. Nothing looks pretty on me because I'm shaped like a ball."

She chuckled softly. "Only for a bit longer."

"But what if he comes back for his baby?" I asked. "What if my brother tells him I lied? What if Gideon realizes this is his child and he wants it back? Ayla said they comehere! I don't want to see him again, Lessa!"

"I will sting the shit out of that man," she swore, bending to kiss the top of my head. "I will bite him if I have to, and that's just fucking gross, okay?"

That made a little laugh slip from my mouth. "Yeah?"

"Mhm," she promised. "We have fangs, but only little kids use them. Well, or if we have no other option. It's pretty nasty to bite someone, and since I hate fighting too, I'd just rather not. But if that man ever tries to lay a hand on you, I will fight formyfriend."

"But I didn't do anything to be your friend," I said.

Lessa just scoffed. "Of course you did. You're nice, and sweet, and pretty. You talked to me, Meri, and you make me feel like you want to see me - and I like that."

"But that's nothing!"

"No," she countered. "That's everything. Meri, I am not a Mole. I don't expect you to be my servant. I'm not friends with anyone because of what they can do for me. Why? Because I can do it all for myself. So can you."

"But I can't!"

"Why not?"

That made me pause. I didn't really have a good answer, so I gave her the best one I had. "I don't know how."

"Which means you get to learn how." Lessa eased me back again, then looked down at my belly. "That is temporary, Meri. And once you have that baby, we'll make you a whole new wardrobe of clothes to make you feel beautiful again, okay? Jeera and Brielle will help you with the baby too."

"Not you?" I asked.

She rocked her head from side to side. "I'm not really the baby sort. I never wanted one like most people do. I mean, maybe later, but since I can't have them, I just never worried about it."

---