Page 188 of Phoenix's Fire

I also had no one else, and I couldn't do this alone.

For far too long, I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. The crying in the halls faded slowly, turning into muffled screams from the rooms on either side. If I could hear them through the stone, that meant the tantrums had to be impressive, and I honestly envied the ones who could still find their rage.

Unfortunately, I wasn't growing weary. I'd hoped to cry myself to sleep, maybe to start again fresh tomorrow with plenty of rest. Instead, my mind was spinning with all the things I should be doing but couldn't. Things I would say to Ayla or Meri. Questions I wanted to ask Tobias. All of them popped up and vanished too fast for me to even keep track, leaving me with nothing but a stomach that had remembered it hadn't been fed and hands that needed to be doing something.

Climbing out of my bed, I found my smock again. That went on quickly. A few swipes of a brush put my hair in order. What I needed was paper - a way to collect my thoughts so I could make them useful. The only place I could think of where that was possible was the forbidden library.

I made it halfway up the halls before Rebekka stopped me. "Callah?" she asked, hurrying to walk at my side. "Are you going to accept Tobias?"

"I should," I told her, refusing to slow my steps.

She kept following. "If you don't, he's on my list. I was wondering how you caught his eye, because my other options..."

I finally stopped. "Rebekka, I'm on my way to speak to the wives about my dress." It was a lie, but if this girl kept walking with me, she'd see where I was going! "I'm sorry, but he proposed, and I don't have any other options I'm willing to consider."

"But surely - "

"Reynold Saunders," I snapped, leaning into her face. "My list has five names on it, and Mr. Saunders is the second best. I may not be ready to marry, but it seems we weren't given that option, and Mr. Warren is an attractive man."

"I've been hoping to marry him since I was a girl!" Rebekka huffed. "You don't have anything in common with him!"

"He likes that I heal him," I told her. "He says he would like me to continue in the profession after I'm married." I lifted a brow. "What do you have in common with him?"

"I taught him how to weave baskets two years ago!" she huffed. "He said I'm very skilled." Then she sighed. "No, I'm sorry, Callah. You're right. He's taken an interest in you, and with yourhistory, I'm sure you must accept."

I wanted to sneer at the girl. It hadn't been that long ago when she'd been telling me I was lucky, and now I was seeing that had been her jealousy speaking. But to throw out my "history" like that? Clearly, she meant it was because both Ayla and Meri had been banished.

"Exactly," I told her. "With my history, Rebekka, I have to accept his proposal, so I'm afraid you'll have to find another suitor. You should have at least a couple more weeks than I do."

"I shouldn't be getting married until March!" she spat.

"I know." I forced myself to remain calm. "I think we all feel that way right now."

"Yeah, but you don't have to act like a pious little harridan," she grumbled before storming up the hall ahead of me - in exactly the wrong way.

I had no clue where she was going, but I could guess. That way was the women's area where our lists were posted. Hopefully she was going to find herself another prospect to fixate on - or fret about. But it meant I couldn't disappear into the library. Devil's pointy horns! I'd also told her I was going to speak to the wives about my dress, thinking that would chase her off. Then again, the wives' washroom was in the same general direction.

I headed that way, deciding I could fill a pitcher with water and use that to quiet my empty stomach. I was sure none of the ladies I knew would be in there, but I'd been introduced to enough women that they no longer seemed confused when I wandered in.

I sighed as I passed the turn that led to the library, but I didn't dare look that way. The halls were busier tonight than usual. The girls' washroom was packed, with a cluster of young ladies standing outside the door. I kept going.

The women's washroom was quiet when I stepped in. This wasn't the same area we washed our laundry, but it was where many of us rinsed the cloths we used for our monthly flow. It also had showers and facilities, along with supplies that might be necessary for a wife to use in her home.

Heading to the back, I found a dented metal pitcher and took it to one of the larger sinks. Turning on the water, I set the pitcher under it, and leaned back to sigh. It didn't help. The tension refused to let go of my muscles. I felt like I wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go.

Once the pitcher was full, I turned off the water, but I wasn't ready to go back yet. The silence in here was calming in a way my own room hadn't been. There were no whimpers, no sobs. On impulse, I carried the pitcher further into theexpansive area and found a bench. Sitting down, I drank straight from the metal side until my stomach was sloshing, then set it beside me.

I was going to marry Tobias.

Even if I stabbed him, the marriage part would still happen. Of all the crimes I could do that were sentenced to banishment, marriage would need to happen first - unless I stole something? But what? And from whom?

No, that wasn't a viable option. The first five commandments were almost impossible to break in a way that would have me thrown out. Most likely, they would result in common punishment, and I really did not want to be beaten.

The sixth would be the easiest, as Ayla had proven. The seventh was what Meri had used, but adultery required marriage first. Stealing was the eighth. False witness, the ninth, was much too common and would likely be ignored. The final one was coveting, and I couldn't conceive of a way to use that to my benefit.

Which meant my only option was to stab Tobias like he'd said. The pocket knife he'd given me was a small thing, shorter than my fingers. I could make sure I didn't permanently damage him, but would it work? Would the Righteous really throw me out for doing the same thing Ayla had done?

I didn't believe they would. If they did, it was all but asking for every other woman to do the same! We were forced to marry, whether we wanted to or not. They hadn't evenaskedAyla if she agreed. They'd said it didn't matter!

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