Page 199 of Phoenix's Fire

"Shh..." she breathed, hugging me close. "It's okay, Meri. It's all going to be okay."

"But it's not!" I mumbled against her shoulder. "I'm not ready! I don't want this. I just want to sew, and look at the colors, and help Drozel with his tail. I want to be me, but I'll never be me again, because Gideon's the one who got to choose. He's the one who wanted me bred. He's the one who made this child, and I can't stop it! I can't change it, Lessa. I can't do anything because I'm just a woman, and - "

"No!" she snapped, pushing me back so she could see my face. "Merienne, that isnothow this works. Yes, you are pregnant, but you are a woman! You are not his possession. You are not defined by this child. Yes, you are the only one who can decide what you want to do next, but your future isnotdecided for you simply because of the baby."

"But..." I tried.

She just shook her head. "He may have done this to you, and I can't even imagine what that feels like, but the first thing you need to do, Meri, is stop ignoring it. Stop trying to do what you're told, and do more of this."

"This?"

"Freaking the fuck out," she said. "Panic, yell, and then change your mind. Decide if you want this child or not. Decide if you are going to make this child into a Dragon who is nothing like its father, or if you're going to let someone else do itso you don't have to relive the past every day. Both are good options. Both are going to be hard. But here's the thing."

She caught both sides of my face, making me look up at her. "You are a woman, Merienne. Up here, that means you are in control of your own life and that child's. You get to decide which direction this goes. Not Gideon. Not Ayla, or me, or anyone else. Just you, and to do that, you have to be honest with yourself."

"I don't know how," I admitted.

She gently smoothed my hair back. "So let's talk about it, okay? I give you my word that I won't judge you as you explore all the many ways to think. Cruel things, kind things, or stupid things. Today, we're going to just imagine the what-ifs, because I think that's where you need to start."

"But what if I say something that makes you hate me?" I asked.

She scoffed. "Meri, I promise I'vedoneworse things than you could ever come up with. And if you do manage? Well, then that's just more proof we're meant to be friends, right? Fuck being what anyone else wants. Sometimes, we deserve to have a tantrum, think mean things, and get it all out. That way, we can figure out which ones feel good and which feel wrong for us. I mean, that's how I handle things."

"I'll try," I promised.

So she turned me toward the road, once again wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "And trying is one of those things that's harder than most people realize. You're doing great, Meri."

Finally, I felt my entire body relax. I was doing great. No one had ever told me that before, and it felt good. It felt almost like I might have something to work towards after all.

Sixty-Two

Ayla

Holly was doing great with her new command to disarm people. The dog loved it, and Kanik had been helping me figure out how to show Holly that she should never run straight at someone to get the "toy" from their hand. If she tried, we made her stop, come back, and try again. It hadn't taken her long to figure out that circling people meant she got better play time.

But teaching Tamin how to control her was also important. First, because my dog was a lot bigger than the child, but mostly because he just needed to know. If there was an emergency, I wanted him to be able to control her. If anything happened to me, I wanted him to have her. And when I'd explained all of that to Zasen, he'd readily agreed to help.

So tonight, he and Kanik were going to be teaching Tamin how to not only use Holly, but also how to be safe around her with a bow. He had his child-sized weapons with practice arrows that had dull tips. They were still dangerous, though, so I was a little nervous about this, but Zasen assured me nothing would happen. He'd make sure Tamin had the idea before the boy got any bolts or arrows.

And all of this meant Saveah and I could spend some time together tonight. She agreed with me that we should look into the women who'd gone missing, so our big plan was to head to the library. I was anxiously waiting on her to get here when Rymar sauntered into the living room wearing clothes I'd never seen on him before.

"Is that a new shirt?" I asked.

He stopped hard, flinching like he hadn't expected me to be there. "I thought you were outside," he said, proving me right.

"Zasen and Kanik are going to teach Tamin tonight while Saveah and I go to the library."

"Ah," he said. "And no, this isn't a new shirt. Just one I wear when I want to look nice."

"You do," I assured him. "I don't know what to call that color, but it makes you look even brighter and shows off your..." I gestured across my upper chest, demonstrating how wide his was.

"The color is dark teal," he said, "and muscles. That's the word you wanted." He flexed an arm playfully.

"Are you working?" I asked.

He opened his mouth to reply, but had a few false starts before he said, "Meeting a friend at the bar."

"I hope you and your friend have fun."

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