Page 251 of Phoenix's Fire

I could only shrug. "I want to smile too much? I don't know, Saveah! I don't have to pick one, and they're all proud of me, they say. But what if I do something wrong?"

"Nope, don't go there," she warned. "Ayla, you are supposed to have fun, decide if you like guys that way, and maybe you can hook up with a few. You know, like three."

"I just want to kiss them," I said.

"So do."

"But won't they get mad?"

"Have they yet?" she asked.

That was a good point. Everyone kept saying it was okay. Over and over, I'd been told I was allowed to do this, or not do this, or even make my own decisions. Still, a couple of months with so much freedom did not remove all the beatings I'd had growing up. I just had this stupid - and irrational - urge to keep making sure it was okay, even though the answer never seemed to change.

"Okay," I decided. "And I don't like hangovers."

"No one does," she assured me. "The trick is to not drink too much or too fast. A little makes you feel nice. A lot makes you stupid, and then you feel horrible the next day." But she was smiling too much. "So, kissing is okay now?"

I nodded. "Yeah." But my face was getting warmer again. "I just don't know when it's okay."

"Whenever you want," she assured me. "And with those three? They won't hide it, so you shouldn't either. You're fine, Ayla. Don't feel pressured, and never let them make you feel like you have to do something - even the normal things - with them. Just play it by ear, okay?"

"That's another saying," I told her. "I don't know what ears have to do with it."

"It means to make it up as you go," she explained. "It's based on music, and hearing the melody to making what comes next based on what it sounded like."

"Okay." I agreed. "I can do tha- "

"We're here!" Jeera called out, cutting me off.

I turned to see Meri surrounded by three women. I was pretty sure her belly had gotten bigger, or maybe lower? Then again, that could simply be because she looked so much healthier than she had when she'd arrived.

Her skin was much less pale. Still light, but there was a tint to it now, and her cheeks didn't look as hollow as they had before. But because she was moving closer to Holly, I decided to get over there before my dog scared her again.

"Holly, down," I ordered, moving between her and my friend. "She won't get up until I say it's okay," I promised.

But Meri reached out to clasp my hands. "Thank you, but it's okay. Lessa told me about dogs, and I'm going to get over it."

"Want to pet her?" I asked.

She nodded, so I called Holly over, making her sit and stay. Then I showed Meri how to touch my dog and how Holly liked her fur ruffled. When Holly started wagging her tail, Meri tensed a bit, but once I told her that was a sign the dog was happy, Meri leaned in to pet her again.

"I heard you have a job," I said.

"I do!" she said, sounding excited about it. "Lessa lets me help her sew. Ayla, she has a machine! It makes all the stitches even, and it's so much easier than doing it by hand."

"She's good at it," Lessa said, moving in to join her. "And give me that." She stole Taris from my arms. "Saveah, you let any heathen hold this cutie?"

That brought Saveah over, with Tamin clutching her hand. "I do. Mostly because my arms need the break." Then she jerked her chin at Lessa. "What are you doing during the battle?"

"We're doing things?" Meri asked.

"Um..." Lessa looked at Meri. "Last time, we stayed at my place. Why?"

"Ah." Saveah nodded. "Well, the library is turning into a daycare that evening. The families in the militia want to make sure their kids are somewhere safe, and I volunteered to help. Mostly because it means Tamin and Taris won't have to bequiet and bored the whole time." She looked at Meri. "If you want to help, we need some more people."

"No," Meri said quickly. Too quickly.

"Actually," Zasen said, "Rymar was going to talk to you, Less."

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