Page 279 of Phoenix's Fire

"No..." Drozel said, which made Jeera look back. "Who?"

"Kanik," Jeera said. "He's not back."

"How many?" Drozel asked.

"I don't care!" Rymar finally managed to get out. "I can't lose him. I can't lose another!"

I wanted to say something to help. I wanted to tell them it would be okay, but it wouldn't. How could Kanik not come back? He liked me! I was supposed to be able to figure that out. I should've hadtime, but he wasn't here.

"Did anyone see him die?" I begged, looking over at Xav as if he might know something.

He shook his head. "Do you want me to ask?"

I nodded. "I have to know!"

Grabbing his woman's hand, Xav headed towards the crowd, but Jeera reached up to pull my shoulder against hers.

"Ayla, we bring back our wounded. That's what we were organizing when you said Zasen went to the Moles. If they don't come back, that means the Moles got them first."

"I was trying diplomacy," Zasen blubbered. "I thought I could stop this, but he was out there! They killed him and I was trying to make peace!"

"Not Kanik," Rymar mumbled. "Anyone but him. Why him? But...Not Kanik!"

"Jeera!" Xav said, waving her over.

She pulled away, hurrying to him. I watched as Xav said something to her, and Jeera's shoulders slumped. When she turned back, I knew. Someone had seen something. Something bad.

"He was fighting," Jeera said when she came back. "There was a grenade. He wasn't seen after that."

Drozel clasped my arm. "Ayla, take them home. I'll handle everything else. Just take them home, and then take care of them."

"She's hurting too!" Jeera snarled.

But I didn't know how to grieve. That wasn't allowed. I knew how to push through it, keep my face calm, and do a woman's duty. I knew how to take care of men. I knew how to be silent, subservient, and useful, and this time I could use that. So, pulling in a breath, I calmed myself. Another forced my throat to relax, and while my heart was still stumbling in my chest and my spine was too tense, I knew I could do this.

"Holly?" I asked. "Heel." Then I turned to Rymar. "I'm going to need you to help me carry him, okay? I'm not big enough."

Blubbering, Rymar nodded, which seemed to be the best I'd get.

Then I bent to cup the side of Zasen's face, making him look up at me. "We need to go home. You have to help me, but then I'll help you, okay?"

"But, Ayla..."

"I know," I soothed, feeling stinging in my eyes, but I hurried to blink it away.

Later. That could happen later. I was a woman, so I had to handle this. Grabbing Zasen's arm, I tried to drape it over my shoulder. Rymar moved to hisother side, and the two of us lifted. Thankfully, Zasen helped, lurching to his feet like they were refusing to obey.

"I'll send Mom," Jeera offered.

I shook my head. "Tomorrow. He's not wounded."

"But he's hurting," she insisted.

"And a doctor can't fix this," I told her. "I can."

"And you're not any better!" Jeera snapped. "Ayla, I know you cared about him."

"Yes!" I roared. "But I know how to do things. I know how to help. I've never been allowed to cry, so I'm not going to learn now. Tomorrow, okay? I will take care of my friends, because this is what I can do!"

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