Page 41 of Riot of Autumn

I know I need to say something, but I’m shocked, completely distraught, that this is how she remembers that day all those years ago. She’s believed this of me for all this time? How did she forgive me?

I close my eyes and wonder at the fact that Ruby’s kept this locked up tightly for so many years. Some of that time after my parents’ death is a blur. I had a hard time focusing on anything. I was numb and there are honestly parts of my life back then that I don’t remember. But this isn’t one of those times.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” I open my eyes and see the mask of indifference Ruby’s trying to paint over her face. The tremble of her bottom lip before she sucks it between her teeth shows the vulnerability underneath.

“Apologies don’t mean shit when you beg someone for them.”

I grip my thighs, wanting to go to Ruby, but certain she wouldn’t be okay with that. “I remember that day, Ruby. Perfectly. My Uncle Andre was talking to Timothy’s dad. Johnny and Timothy were standing off to the side of us, laughing about something.

Ruby’s jaw clenches, but I don’t give her time to interrupt.

“I remember you were right there, because I couldn’t stop staring at you. You had on this purple skirt and tights with little boats on them. You looked adorable and quirky. I didn’t know what those two dicks were saying until I stepped away from my uncle. Then I heard what they said about your mom. By the time I turned around, you were already gone. I punched Timothy in the face and broke his nose. Then I gave Johnny two black eyes before my uncle pulled me off them.”

“What?” Ruby wheezes out. “No. I would have heard about it. You would have gotten a school suspension.”

“It was the end of the year. My uncle talked to the principal, and because of the circumstances with my parents, they let me off with a warning. School was out for the summer. We didn’t see those jackasses until the next school year. I didn’t realize you heard them that day. I never thought you’d believe I’d say those things about you. And to me, Cube was a compliment.”

“Why?” Ruby whispers, her face stricken and pale.

I run a hand over my skull, lick my lips, and then laugh. It’s so messed up. Ruby doesn’t even have a clue. All this time, she’s been holding on to old feelings of inadequacy when I’ve been in fucking awe of her.

“The reason I call you Cube is because you’re a square peg in a round hole.”

Her confusion only deepens. “What?” she says again.

“After my parents died, things were dark. I was spinning. I thought, if my dad could go nuts and do what he did—” I stop and shake my head. Not wanting to get into shit about my parents. “I was so damn afraid of who I was. I felt like a ghost. And then there was you. This brash, feisty girl who knew exactly who she was and didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought about her. I loved that you didn’t wear the same shit as every other girl at school, that you stood up for yourself. Fuck, I started wearing crazy clothing because I was sick of all those bastards making fun of your style when they should have been celebrating your individuality. That day when Timothy and Johnny said that shit about you, that was the last time I spoke to them. It kills me that you thought I didn’t stand up for you. That you thought I’d stand by while they mocked you.”

“You mock me all the time.” Ruby scoffs, but there’s a hesitancy shining in her eyes I’m not used to seeing.

“We give each other shit. You dish it right back at me. That’s just our thing.”

Ruby rolls her eyes and crosses her arms with a huff.

“I hate that you thought Cube was an insult. Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

The defensive walls are still up, the pain clear in her eyes even if she’s doing her best to hide it. I feel like the biggest piece of shit.

“It would have been nice not to believe you weren’t crapping all over my little tits all these years.”

I huff out a small laugh, relieved that she’s able to make a joke about this.

“Even then, I thought you were amazing, tits or not. Fuck, Ruby, do you know how much I was in love with you back then?” I flex my fingers, wishing there was something to grab hold of, because I want something to rip apart. Fuck, I’m laying my heart out in front of the one girl, woman, who’s been it for me since I first met her. And it’s terrifying.

Ruby gapes at me, her mouth hanging open. “What? No. What?”

“I was a stupid thirteen-year-old. I didn’t want you to know that I beat the shit out of those dickheads. What they said was fucking bullshit, and I didn’t want you to hear about it, but I guess I screwed that up. I didn’t know you heard them. And I had no fucking clue you thought I’d been saying that shit with them. We can go TP Johnny and Tim’s houses tonight if you want. We can light bags of poop on fire and put them on their front porches. I bet Axil can supply us with some bombs.”

Ruby stares at me, her mouth parted in shock. She shakes her head slowly back and forth. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Why didn’t you ever make a damn move?”

The air is charged with emotion. I’ve come to realize that electric spark is our magic when we’re close to each other. It wants us to be together, but that’s not why I’ve loved Ruby for years. It’s not why I want her more than my next breath. It’s just the catalyst that we needed to kick our asses toward each other.

“I did.”

Ruby rears back like she’s been slapped. “No. When? You didn’t.”

I run my tongue over my teeth, feeling the sharp point of the canine. Are my teeth getting longer? I pull in a deep breath and exhale to calm myself down. “When we were in high school and you were dating that dickhead, Phillip, I tried telling you how I felt. I couldn’t stand seeing the two of you together. He was a cheating piece of shit, and you deserved so much better. And it just…made my blood burn to watch him hold your hand or touch you.” Even now I’m getting worked up thinking about it. Phillip was Ruby’s first boyfriend, and I will hate him forever for that.

Ruby’s eyes have narrowed into little slits. “You’re the one who pushed him toward Loralei.”

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