Page 79 of Crown of Ashes and Desire

“Don’t think with your dick,” I warned. “She’s not what she seems.”

“And what does she seem?” he asked, an uncharacteristic edge to his voice.

“Dangerous. Ancient. Far more powerful than she lets on.” I turned to face him. “And fiercely protective of Ada. She would kill you without hesitation if she thought you were a threat.”

A slow smile spread across Sarp’s face. “My kind of woman, and her threats make me want to desire her more.”

“I’m serious, Sarp. There’s more history between Ada and me than you care to realize. I fucking made her leave me?—”

“Oh, I realize it,” Sarp murmured, his face darkening with something I couldn’t quite read. “I saw what it did to her.”

“What are you talking about?” I pressed, suddenly alert to his change in demeanor.

Sarp glanced away, a flash of regret crossing his features. “The consequences of your choice. After you left…”

“After I left what?” I demanded and stepped closer. “She went completely insane—” He cut himself off, clearly regretting the words as soon as they’d left his mouth.

I glanced at him, probably not hearing him correctly. “What did you say?”

Sarp winced when he realized that he’d said too fucking much. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter, just forget about it.”

“Sarp.” My voice dropped to a dangerous register, and shadows writhed around my fingers. “What are you talking about?”

He looked away, running a hand through his hair. “I said it doesn’t fucking matter, Hakan.”

My control snapped. Shadows erupted from my body as I stepped forward, backing Sarp against the tree. "Fucking tell me what you know!" I roared, darkness swirling around us both. "What happened to her?"

Sarp's eyes widened at my uncharacteristic loss of control, but he held his ground. His eyes were full of pain and regret. I was angry that he knew more than I did. Furious that she trusted him enough to spill her secrets.

"She lost her mind, Hakan," he said quietly. "Went completely insane. Nine months after you left, she broke. I wasn't lucid for a total of about two years after that. It took her almost three years to fully recover."

I staggered backward as if he'd struck me, my shadows recoiling. I started to piece everything together. The pain in my chest returned with crushing force, nearly knocking me off my feet. "Two years?"

“Maybe this had something to do with your father’s spell, but then her light went dark,” Sarp explained, and rubbed his throat. “Couldn’t conjure even a spark. Wouldn’t eat or speak. Just stared at the walls, screaming sometimes. The healers thought she’d never recover.”

Since our binding ceremony, I’d caught fragments of disturbing visions—Ada curled in a dark room, hollow-eyed and broken; Ada restrained in a white-walled chamber; Ada staring vacantly while healers tried to reach her. These glimpses had troubled me, but I’d dismissed them as nightmares. Now they suddenly made terrible sense. This was her past, her breakdown—the consequences of my choice that I hadn’t fully understood until now.

I had deliberately driven her away to protect her from my father, believing it was the right choice, but I never knew the devastating consequences.

Fuck, I have been such a fool. I have destroyed her in ways I never intended.

“How do you know this? Did she tell you?” I demanded, digging my fingers into the bark of the tree. I was on the edge of losing control.

“I have my sources,” Sarp replied evasively. “People who owed me favors in the light realm. I kept tabs on her after you left. Thought you might want to know she was all right.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Except she wasn’t.”

I stared at Ada, seeing her anew. The strength it must have taken to recover from such a breakdown, and it was all my fucking fault. The resilience to rebuild herself from shattered pieces. All while believing I had abandoned her for power. Myinner voice reminded me that I was trying to protect her while seeking shadows. My ambition shattered her mind, and that was the reason why she hated me so fucking much.

“She doesn’t want you to know,” Sarp added. “And she’d probably kill me if she found out I told you. So maybe don’t mention it?”

I barely heard him, my gaze locked on Ada as she laughed with the children. The contrast between the broken woman he described and the vibrant force of nature below was stark. How much had she suffered? How deeply had I wounded her with my calculated cruelty?

Everything started making sense now—her fierce hatred that went beyond mere betrayal, the intense flashes of trauma I sometimes glimpsed through our bond, the way she flinched at certain words or touches as if remembering something beyond my sight. I had broken more than her heart; I had shattered her mind, her magic, her very sense of self.

“I have to make this right,” I muttered, the words escaping before I could trap them behind my teeth. The realization burned through me with unexpected intensity, shaking foundations I’d thought immovable.

“How exactly do you plan to do that?” he asked, skepticism dripping from every word. “You can’t change the past, Hakan. And correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you still planning to use her in some potentially fatal ritual in, oh, about nine days?”

I shot him a withering glare. “I’m working on alternatives.”

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