Page 59 of Best Laid Plans
“Yes ma’am.” Elle picked a pillow off the chair in the corner, happy for the distraction. Then she added, “I feel like Zoe gets away with very little as your daughter.”
Becca side-eyed her when she came out of the bathroom. “She does just fine for herself. By three she’d learned some top notch negotiation tactics, and at this point, I’m just waiting for her to come home and tell me that she’s passed the Massachusetts Bar Exam.”
“I didn’t know they accepted answers in crayon,” Elle teased as she wrestled the pillowcase–her first–into completion.
Becca walked around the bed and joined her, making quick work of the remaining pillows. “You joke, but she’s a little question machine. Yesterday, she asked me if it was called ‘sand’ because it’s halfway between the sea and the land.”
Elle’s jaw dropped. “No kidding? What did you tell her?”
“Well, first I had to Google whether or not she was actually right. Sadly, she was not, but apparently, the word refers to ‘unstable ground.’”
“And how’d she take that?” Elle asked. There was so much she’d already missed in Zoe’s short life, and the realization sent a little pang through her.
“On the chin.” The pride in Becca’s voice rang through clearly.
Elle grew serious, emotion making her voice full. Because she had been honest in saying that this trip wasn’t what she’d expected. And her reunion with Becca was a part of that, too. “She really is incredible, Becca. You’re doing such a great job with her.”
There were so many things unsaid between the two of them, but that was starting to feel like par for the course across all areas of her life. She couldn’t seem to tell Wyatt that while she appreciated all his help, he needed to live for himself. She didn’t want to admit to her parents that her life, which she’d been painstakingly planning since she knew what a goal was, wasn’t where she thought it would be. She had no idea how to tell Cam that her attraction to him was moving beyond just the physical–into something that was terrifying and exhilarating and made her feel like she was both a solid, immovable block of marble and a dandelion seed that could be parachuted around with a soft breeze. She’d become something unstructured, teetering on the brink of balance that never seemed to materialize.
And with Becca, at the heart of it all as she looked into familiar eyes, Elle felt like she’d abandoned her best friend when she’d needed her most. When Becca hadn’t come to Boston, Elle had thrown her focus into Grant and Chelsea and her job and then her MBA. She’d made a choice–made aseriesof choices–that at the time had felt inevitable to moving in the direction she’d wanted her future to take.
Her life was a stark contrast to what she thought it’d be, for too many reasons. What she’d tried to make it and what she’d given up in service of that happening. It had seemed zero sum. She couldn’t have it all, so she’d had to make decisions. LeaveRock Harbor. Spend her time focusing on life in Boston. Throw herself into achieving her goals at the casualty of everything she’d already built, like it wasn’t important, too.
Which, at the time, she’d taken for granted–in all facets of her life. Easy conversations. Unwavering support. Overbearing but well-intentioned involvement.
“I’m sorry, Becca. I should have said that before, but I’m saying it now.” She refused to acknowledge the catch in her throat, something that wasn’t Becca’s responsibility to handle.
The silence wrapped around them, as Becca, looking like she was lost in her own thoughts of the past, chewed on her bottom lip. Finally, she let it go with a softpop, her eyes a little watery when she said, “We both made choices, Elle. I don’t begrudge you for yours, the same way that I hope you don’t begrudge me for mine. I’ve missed you these last few years, but I don’t blame you. And I hope you don’t blame yourself.”
She didn’t want Becca’s sympathy. Didn’t deserve it, in fact. “Your choices led to a beautiful, curious daughter who’s too smart for her own good. Mine led to bad relationships, toxic friendships, and a job that would have squeezed every last ounce of life out of me if it would have been convenient for them.” Elle ran her hand through her hair, trying to make her last five years make sense. “Like, what was I even doing?”
“I always loved how driven you were,” Becca said, her voice effusively warm in a way that Elle knew that she talked to Zoe when she was comforting her. “Your confidence was infectious. It made me think I could do anything, too.”
“Youcando anything,” Elle stressed. At some point, their hands had found one another, and she squeezed Becca’s fingers.
Becca smiled. “You wanted this big life, and I wanted that for you. I wanted to want it for myself too, but deep down, I don’t know that I did. I love this town. I love my parents. I love Zoe and the life that we’ve built. And I think that part of me always knew I wasn’t going to leave it. Zoe wasn’t planned, but shemade it a lot easier–in some ways–to stave off a difficult conversation that would have come sooner than later anyway.” Becca swallowed. “So really, I should be the one apologizing to you.”
Elle smiled sadly, the moment of surprise giving way to a quick acceptance that somewhere deep inside, she’d always had. Becca had always loved Rock Harbor–this town and these people had never been a consolation prize for her. Mornings watching the sun rise over the water. Afternoons as the town picked up and came to life along the main corridor. Sailboats dotting the horizon in the early evening against perfect, billowy clouds. Becca had always treasured those things. Cherished them, even. “And I think a part of me always knew that, too. But you were my best friend, and I wanted you with me.”
Tears welled up in Becca’s eyes, and she quickly brushed them away with her free hand. “Look at us. The pinnacle of emotional maturity and difficult conversations.”
Elle laughed and wiped at her own wet face, the release of her tears softening the knot in her throat. This conversation was long overdue, and it was one that she’d never thought she’d get to have. Every day she hadn’t called Becca. Every day she’d made the choice to push forward in the life she’d wanted to build. Every day her inaction had been its own decision, the chasm growing wider between them.
But today was a different day than all of those. The first day of a new path. Abetterplan.
Surging forward, Elle threw her arms around Becca and squeezed her ungodly tight, like she was afraid she’d disappear right in front of her. “I love you, Becca. You know that right?” The words were muffled, said against Becca’s hair which still smelled the same, and she was transported back to when they were sixteen and talked about anything and everything without fear that things would change between them.
Becca hugged her back, just as hard. “I love you too, Elle.”
When they finally let go, Elle grabbed onto Becca’s hands, marveling at what an amazing woman Becca had become.
“Okay,” Becca said, clearing her throat and letting out one last sniffle that made them both laugh. “We have a few more rooms to do, and then we can hang out in my apartment for a bit. You can tell me all of your messy, complicated feelings on Clam, and we can figure things out.”
Elle raised her eyebrows at the name, knowing that Becca wasn’t going to stop using it whether she said anything or not.
And nothing could tamp the lightness she felt in her heart and her limbs and her brain after their conversation. It had been hard, but so worth it.
Their reunion was already paying dividends. Elle had always liked to work her thoughts out by talking about them. Of course Becca knew that.
