Page 133 of Wicked

“Now, darling, just to put it out there. As you know, I live in Virginia. Home of the CIA. Do you want me to have him killed? I may or may not have ex-military clients.”

I snort laugh. “No, but that’s sweet of you.” We both laugh.

“Next time?”

I nod.

No more love, never again! I tell myself.

Our eyes hold and Dad smiles. It helps.

“You’ve done well with the novel, sweetheart. Your mom would be proud. I love it, and it’s terrific on every level. Especially the end!”

The end again?

What the fuck.

Note to self: read the end. I have still not read it. I was unable to for a while, because it brought up all the pain and chaos from…

“Thanks,” I say, sniffing. “I miss you.” I really mean it, and it’s now all catching up with me.

“I miss you, too, pumpkin. Every day. Where are you?”

“I’m in Thailand, working on the second book. I’ll travel for another month or so.”

Dad grins and leans back. “Again, I’m so proud, darling. Two books and world travel! You really are an amazing young woman!

Something inside makes me feel good and less like a screw up.

“Look, please just travel safe, and remember those martial arts moves I showed you as a teen, okay?”

I nod, and Dad and I promise to talk more. He then tells me Mom would be proud, again. It cuts me up, and I nod, crying. He then forces me to promise to email him each time I change locations.

“Just so I know where my girl is.”

I nod, touch the screen, and sign off. Slumping back in the cane chair, I hear the waves in the lagoon. What a crazy life.

Why could I have not just stayed a miserable virgin in NYC?

Then my path in the universe would have been cut short or contained. And my mad ideas would not flow in the universe and in books. And now… now I’m seeing the world.

Alone… semi-messed up.

I shake my head, stand, and force my energy to be positive. I quickly put the tablet away and tell myself to not wallow in pain. ‘Some never even find love, you dick!’

I glance around, and I’m on a remote beach all alone. My life is not a complete mess, I guess, and I have a small chance to find happiness alone. A dog I can love, and I can get a dog and keep him forever.

I walk into the warm sun, and I inhale the sea air. It’s time for a swim.It’s also time to liveand not live in fear. Screw it! Maybe one day I’ll even meet another guy, someone as cool as him.

I pause and look down at my mother’s book that I keep close. It celebrated everything in life, and it’s next to my daypack and my new novel’s notes.

“Thanks, Mom,” I say, lifting her old book.

I hold it against my chest, and I stare across the ocean towards the rest of the world.

It’s a perfectly clear sunny day, and I should be happy. I am also alive. Somehow, I will find my path in the world.

I put the tattered book down, and I walk into the lagoon. I sigh as I stand in the waist-deep water, and I close my eyes. Even if I know I should be happy, I feel alone and confused. I am a third happy, a third nervous, and another third confused about the world.

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