Page 10 of Never To Suffer

“Oh, yeah, baby. You like that? Huh? You like that?”

Instead of getting pissed off about the noise, Xander smirks and winks at me, which I can see because of the bright ass billboard lights that flood our apartment no matter what curtains we try to hang. I used to like those neon lights and theway they formed a stain glass halo through Megan’s afro while her head bobbed between my legs. Of course, now she wears her hair in braids—and she screws Rory—so I hate the dumb billboard lights.

I don’t miss her, but I do feel like a failure over the entire situation. She’s the fourth or fifth person we’ve tried to bring into our lives over the last few years for something more than a few nights of fun. Each one fails more epically than the next. Everyone since…

“We could make it a competition?” Xander’s hand grips my thigh, but I only roll my eyes.

We need to move. We can’t afford it—not if I’m about to go on tour.

“I’m coming!”the woman’s voice screams out.

“I’m leaving,” I say, shoving the covers back and climbing over Xander. He reaches for me but when I avoid him, his arms drop to the bed, defeated.

Slamming the door to the bathroom is cathartic, but the momentary joy fades fast once I turn on the shower. The hot water went out over a week ago. I wait, listening to the horror soundtrack from the pipes until it reaches a crescendo of bellows and goes silent. That’s new, but I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad sign.

There’s a creak, followed by a soft click when the door closes behind me. A heavy coat drapes over my shoulders before Xander feels his way around in the dark for an outlet to plug the small space heater into. I come here often, relaxing by the orange glow of the heater when I need to reset in a cool, dark place. Like a fucking potato.

“Want some tea?” He asks as he wraps around me again, rubbing my arms to warm me. If I wasn’t so damn hardheaded, we could be in a posh hotel somewhere until they fix the water heater. Or, better yet, an apartment that wasn’t an absolute shithole. But Xander and I agreed years ago we’d do this on our own, which means no help from his disgustingly rich parents.

I came up with the idea to move out of my mama’s place when we started dating Megan. Which means this, like everything else, is my fault.

“Why is it so fucking cold?”

“June gloom?” He kisses my cheek, and I respond with a groan. “Come on, D. I only wanna see you smile again. I wanna see that sparkle back in your eye and snark in your voice. This venom? This anger? It’s not you, no matter how hard you try. You’re pissed about Meg and Rory but fuck them.” He kisses my forehead and rubs my arms. “I’m not saying you can’t be upset or disappointed. I’m just saying don’t let the bullshit win.”

“I know. I’m trying!” I’m not trying too hard, but I’ve never felt depression like this. That’s Xander’s territory as my nerdy emo boy. Thankfully, he’s picking up the slack and doing all the right things to help me through it.

I wanted this to be my year, and it’s been anything but. I shouldn’t have moved out of mom’s house. I miss having my friends over. I’m second guessing everything I do, and Xander’s right, none of this fits me and my personality.

“I’m worried about the band. The kid we found as a temporary bassist? He’s…not good. Like he’s okay for playing in a bar sometimes, or as emergency backup, but he’s not…he’s not Rory-good.”

“I hate to force more facts your way, sweetheart, but Rory was okay. She wasn’t impressive and she didn’t fit your vibe.” His lips trace up my neck, sending the first wave of heat through my body since I walked into this bathroom.

“You’re right. I should go key Rory’s car. Bitch.”

“That’s more of a me move than a you thing. Maybe dump glitter in the passenger seat?” That gets a small laugh out of me, and he moans in my ear in response. “Damn, you smell soincredible right now. You’ll figure this out, Dani. You always do. You’re the best at figuring out the crazy shit and fighting back against the world. Come back to bed?”

I stick my hand under the water and pull it back quick with a hiss. Still freezing cold.

“I think I need coffee more than sex.” I wait, but he doesn’t argue, just keeps holding me and keeping me warm. “Xander, are we doomed to open relationships forever, bouncing between random flings and failing short-term hookups?”

I could live with that, savoring the variety life offers. I won’t let anyone, or anything, tie me down to one idea or one person while I play the role of pseudo-rebel. I’m an openly queer woman in a polyam relationship, setting my own fashion trends, and I’m the lead singer in a punk band. I spend my free time attending anti-establishment protests and fighting the patriarchy.

“I don’t think we are, Beetle.” He gave me that nickname in high school after spotting the scarab beetle sketches on all my notebooks, and it stuck. I guess it’s better than Death’s Head Hawkmoth, another creature I used to draw everywhere. “There’s someone out there for us. They just need to find their way home.”

The longer Xander and I are together, the more I’ve recognized he needs stability. He doesn’t come to the marches anymore, which I don’t mind. He does his fighting with a computer and technology. He only did rallies and marches to show his support of me. That’s something I struggle to accept from people. Support. Help.

“You mean Sky? I don’t think they’re coming back, babe. It’s been years and they’ve moved on.”

I grew up learning that everyone eventually leaves—especially men. I didn’t get much more than six years with my father, and my brothers all left to start their own lives not long after. Xander’s been the first to stick around, and, over the years,he’s helped me form a second family. That isn’t how he grew up, though, and even if he doesn’t recognize it, I recognize how badly he’s searching for stability.

“Yeah, probably.” He keeps his voice soft because we’re alone and he’s not putting on a front for anyone to see. In this dark, cold bathroom, he’s my Xander—soft and prone to cuddling for hours. He’s not trying to prove anything other than how he feels about me. His hand slips down my back and when I expect him to make more of a move, he pulls a one eighty on me. “Come on, let's get out of here. We can go borrow Coop’s shower, waste the day doing nothing together. Catch whatever’s playing at Hollywood Forever tonight.”

“Xander, you’re broke, and you spent too much money last week at Portos with?—”

“Or maybe I did some work around my dad’s office and earned some side cash?” I stare up at him, not sure how to react. Xander has spent every day since he met me raging against the corporate machine. Declaring with pride that big paychecks and fancy cars can’t lure him in. I’m one of few people who understands he’s scared. He doesn’t want to lose his identity to a suit and tie lifestyle because there’s money in it. Other than his aunt, people with money have never done right by him. Even his parents, who still try to run his life even though he’s an adult.

“I planned to take you out somewhere nice for our anniversary, but I have better ideas now. We can swing by and grab some wild new color for me to put in your hair after. Don’t get me wrong, the hot pink looked sexy as fuck, but I’m not sure you’re a washed-out pastel pink kinda girl.” I pout, but he cups my chin, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip. “I’ll pick up more work before the band runs out of funds, I promise. I’ve got that computer gig I told you about, and I’ve been talking to the guy down on the first floor about picking up shifts withhis security company if I can pass the test. I’ll take care of you, Beetle. You know that.”

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