Page 105 of Never To Suffer

“Add the door,” Jamie suggests. I smack his arm for being a smartass. “I’m serious! Have Sky put the door in and lock the door. When Xander’s back, make sure he gets both keys that come with the lock, so he’s the only one who has access. That way, it’s his choice when and how he literally opens up to you. The rest of you will use the front doors until you figure this out.”

“Oh, my god.” I stare at him, mouth agape. “That’s actually brilliant. Well, it will be once I figure out where he is.”

“Where who is?” Steve asks as he walks up to the jeep, arm around Ethan’s shoulders and Skylar walking next to them. “Because if you’re searching for me and all my awesomeness?—”

“We’re not. I need to build a door to find Xander.” My mind won’t slow down at the first real thing to give me hope in days. “I mean, Skylar, we need a magic door with keys to help get Xander back.”

“Still no idea what you’re asking me to do, Beetle.”

We explain Jamie’s plan to everyone and they all agree it’s pretty solid. They also all agree that none of them hate Xander, they all assumed he didn’t like them. That’s something I need to fix after I deal with my colossal mess.

“I can tell you where he is,” Ethan admits, rocking back and forth on his feet and shoving his hands in his pockets. This should be interesting. “He crashed at this guy’s house, but that fell through after about a day, so he called me. I found him somewhere, so he and the cat are, well, they’re at my teammates’ place.”

“Bro, seriously? That’s awesome. But also, bro, love of my life, bright yellow sun in my daisy, beautiful husband of mine.Why didn’t you say something?” Steve asks, arms folded. “Also, also—and more importantly—which teammate?”

“The new guy. Anders.”

“Oh boy,” Steve shakes his head as he stands as stiff as a board, putting on a drill sergeant persona. “Alright, we’re splitting the party. We’re in Ethan’s truck, so we’ll take that and Skylar and get the door. You two take little miss-bitchy pants, get her some ice cream, donuts, whatever she needs to cheer up, and get her game face on.” I flip him off, but he’s still going. “Do your whole buddy bit with each other, or whatever you do. Sky, you call the Therapy bro and have him pick up X and get him back to the house in a few hours. You have your assignments. Don’t fuck this up!”

“Inspiring, Pumpkin. Get in the truck.” Ethan turns to Skylar. “Are you okay with this? Be honest.”

Skylar leans over, kissing my forehead. “I’ll meet you back home, okay? We’ll get him back. We will.” They move to go with Steve, but only make it a few steps before turning back around, grabbing my face and kissing me long and hard. Steve teases them with little noises until Ethan elbows him in the gut. “I love you, Beetle.” Skylar says, with a sad hope in their eyes as they step away and follow Ethan and Steve.

“What about my car?” I whine, sticking my lower lip out as I stare at the little yellow Fiat.

“She’ll be fine. We’ll come back and get it when we’re done.” Jamie ruffles my hair. His big smile tells me he’s happy without a single word out of his mouth. Of all the boys, he’s the one whose opinion matters most about stuff like this. Mushy stuff. He’s an artist, and he’s been lucky enough to find his muse, but he understands the struggles, too. It’s now everyone’s mission to get Xander back home where he belongs, and for me to get him to forgive me and never do this again. “Now scoot over so I can drive.”

“He needs to do it on his terms, Dani. We all want him back now, but he said he needs a few days, and we can respect that.” Theo says over my shoulder, but I’m ignoring him, shuffling the cards and laying them out. Picking them back up in a huff to shuffle and deal again. I understand that’s not how tarot works. I just don’t care at the moment.

Large hands close over mine before I can pick new cards, and I groan. Rolling my eyes until they meet his.

“Can we talk?” Theo asks.

“Are you going to bill me?”

“Is that joke ever going to get old?”

“Nope.”

“Good. No, I won’t bill you.” His smile brings down my already crumbling walls. “You’re on the road, Dani. You’ve got so many paths in front of you, and you can’t figure out which one to take, so you’re trying to take them all. Trying to spread yourself so thin that you accomplish everything and nothing all at once. That’s the rub with life as a Jill of all trades.”

“I know a little about a lot of things, but I’m not a master of any one thing.”

“Including yourself.” He sits beside me, giving me a moment to scoop up my cards and tuck them away. Along with the crystals, pendulum, unburnt incense, and the worry dolls. As if I opened a window into my mind and gave him a quick peek, he goes right to the heart of the problem. Me. “What happened first? The thing that happened when you were younger that scared you so much to fail, you gave up and picked something else?”

“I didn’t fail!”

“No, you didn’t. You don’t fail. But that’s a problem, isn’t it? In order not to fail this time, you’ll face giving up something precious to you, something you love so damn much. It’s eating you alive to let them go.” He leans his elbows on his knees and stares at the floor. “Dani, I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t believe anyone said this to you before. If they did, you didn’t listen to them, so I hope you listen to me. It’s okay to fail.”

“Of course it is.”

“Don’t play this off. You say that, but you don’t believe it in your heart. I bet, when it came down to you, your sister, and your mother, you two grew close. She protected you and your mother, like many big sisters learn to do. But when she couldn’t protect herself anymore from her husband, you became her guardian. Your roles are reversed.”

I want to say something snarky and cruel to make him leave me alone, but that’s what got me into this mess. When did I go from snarky and fun to hurtful? What happened to me? Theo’s right. Skylar, too. Hell, everyone is right except me. I don’t like it. I’ve let this all go on for too long, all the pain, the worry, the near constant internal struggles that I refuse to let anyone see. I used to be the baby, the one who could get away with murder. Then my sister left, marrying an absolute tool who didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve any of us and we shouldn’t have fallen for his bullshit, but we did. Theo’s right, I became the protector.

I had nothing that bastard Luis could take, so I used wit and sarcasm. Hurting me would have ended the relationship. He knew better. The protector angle fits me until it doesn’t. Until I fail, which sends me down a dark, horror filled pathway of doubt and fear. And boy, did I fail.

“I’m going to guess you met Xander around the same time that your sister married or moved out? The strange new boy at school with no friends. He probably dressed different fromeveryone else and put on that cocky attitude of his. But you could see through that. You saw the naïve little lost boy that needed help?”

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