Page 106 of Never To Suffer

“He would have gotten his ass beat by the end of the week if I wasn’t there.”

He nods. “He doesn’t make the best decisions sometimes, but they come from a good place. You’re not mad at him for the porn site or getting paid for sex. You’re angry at the times he came home beaten, in tears, scared. You blame yourself every time that happens, and it’s been festering. Add the trip to Tokyo, and it gets worse. You’re Wendy, collecting her lost boys.”

“He came home a shell, Theo. He wouldn’t let us touch him for days without jumping. He cried, and the nightmares. I couldn’t help him; I couldn’t see him like that. Where was I, Theo? Why wasn’t I there? Because of some stupid concerts? Playing music that won’t ever get me anywhere in life because I’ll fail at that too if you give me enough time and rope to hang myself?” I can’t stop as it all pours out. “I’m pathetic! I couldn’t keep Ren safe, or Skylar, or Xander. I failed every one of them and—” I slam my hands over my mouth, unable to move or breathe. I said those things out loud.

“And it’s okay, Dani. It’s okay to fail. It’s how we learn, how we grow. Humans start failing on the day they’re born. They fail to walk and talk, so they learn how. They fail to read and comprehend, so they keep working at it until they can. Your music is going to take you places, Dani. You’ll have bad days, but you’ll move on and start again. As for the people? You didn’t fail Xander or Skylar. You didn’t fail your sister. You simply did the best you could. You’re one incredible, resilient person with more strength and love than most people could ever comprehend. To think you could maintain that level of perfection? That’s where you failed. It’s the only place you failed.”

“But I… I can do it.”

“Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can scrape by and barely survive doing things alone doesn’t mean you should live like that when there’s an entire support system here ready to hold you up to the world and show everyone how much we love you and need you. How much we’re there for you to help you when you fall, to hold you when you cry, and to remind you that you’re not perfect, but you are right for us.”

I throw my arms around him, bawling like a baby, because he’s right. No one had ever told me failure was an option. I have so much to learn, starting with trusting my family with what’s going on inside my head.

CHAPTER 44

SAVE ME

NOAH KAHAN

The airin the apartment smells like melted butter and sugar because I’ve been baking non-stop today. Skylar brought Baggy home the other day, and she’s been at my feet, pawing for scraps. Xander comes home today, and, to keep from pacing, I’ve been baking since six this morning. I’m so deep in my own head, I don’t hear him come in until he drops his bags on the floor by the couch.

“Hey Xan!” I yell out, giving the batter one last stir. “Welcome home, baby. What do you think, chocolate or—” The words stick to my throat like molasses when I turn to see him. His face is a mess of blood, bruises, swelling, and tears. The bowl clatters to the ground, and I make it to him just as he collapses into my arms.

“Baby?” I wipe his matted hair from his face, slick with blood. “Who did this? What happened?”

I’m torn between calling Dani or dragging him to the hospital, unsure of which to do first. I get him back up and over to the couch to lean on while I turn the oven off. He’s in bad enough shape. He doesn’t need me burning the building down around us while I take care of him. When I turn around, he’s stumbling into the bedroom and slamming the door.

Whether he wants it or not, I’m getting in there and helping him. I grab a few towels and a handful of bandages, making a mental note to buy a better first aid kit for the apartments since I’m pretty sure theirs has nothing but tiny bottles of booze. I don’t barge in, even though that’s exactly what I want to do. I force away the image of me charging to his rescue like we’re in some kind of movie. Scooping him up and professing our love for each other as I tend his wounds.

I’m glad he didn’t lock the door, but the relief that offers doesn’t last long. The blood drips from his face, hitting the white porcelain of the sink and splattering to its edges as he stands there, watching it.

“Can you talk to me, or do you need me to patch you up and go away?”

Silence has never been so heavy, broken only by the faint outside noises and another drop of blood. There’s a chance he’s in shock, that he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said. He’s shaking, but hell, who wouldn’t be?

“He followed me. He works there, or, pretended to,” Xander whispers in a hoarse voice.

“Who? Work where?” I move closer, taking his hand first and inspecting the cuts and bruises there. The kid put up a fight, that’s obvious. “Baby, tell me what happened?”

“I got hired by that security company. Computer stuff. I wanted to show Dani I could do it. I just wanted her to be proud of me, Theo. I wanted all of them to see I can handle myself.” He stops, a painful sob racking his entire body, causing him to double over, grabbing his ribs.

“Take it easy, baby,” I whisper, helping him stand up straight again. “I started a few days ago. It’s why I didn’t want to come home yet. I wanted to give Dani my first paycheck and show her I can be there for her. Prove I can help, and she doesn’t need to do this all alone. He found me, though. He had these guys. I don’tknow where they came from. I never saw them until they were on top of me.”

“Take your time,” I keep the panic out of my voice, rubbing his back in slow circles. I need to see his face to get a better understanding of how much damage they did. “Xander, let me see?—”

The sharp inhale I can’t hold back makes his shoulders slump. Through his eyebrow and too close to his eye, I find the deepest cut. His eye has swollen shut in response, and the other eye doesn’t appear much better. Three more cuts seep blood, so I staunch those first. Whoever did this broke his nose based on the caked blood under his nostrils. They also split his lip in two places, and that’s what I can make out through the carnage.

“We should take you to the hospital, Xander. You need to file a police report,” there’s a crack in the last word, threatening to give away the icy panic racing through my bloodstream. But he shakes his head.

“I can’t. I can’t call them. What am I gonna tell them? Some posh prick followed me from Japan and hired a gang to come after me? Dani told me not to work there. I stayed behind a computer all day. How could that be dangerous?”

“You have to tell someone.”

“What? Tell them the scrawny faggot didn’t belong there and got what was coming to him? That’s what they said, Theo. They knock me down and screamed it in my face as they hit me. He stood over me, laughing. Telling them how much I… how much I liked…”

“Who, baby? Who was it?”

“Oliver. He…he asked if I…if I missed how he… I’m gonna be sick.”

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