Page 107 of Never To Suffer

He makes it to the toilet in time, and I wet the bloody rag in my hand, holding it against him gently. When he’s done, I help him move over to lean against the wall while I run water in thetub. Kneeling in front of him, I dab at the drying blood. The realization of what he can’t say hits me, knocking the wind out of me and sending my stomach to the floor.

Oliver. He kidnapped, blackmailed, and raped Xander in Japan. He’s here.

“Xander, I need you to look at me, and don’t lie. I won’t be mad, neither will Dani or Skylar, but you need to tell me the truth. It’s not your fault, baby. Okay?” His bottom lip quivers, he knows what I’m about to ask him. “Xander, did they?—”

“Don’t. Please don’t ask,” he sobs, reaching out for me. I pull him to me, holding him and rocking him in my arms as he continues to shake. “Why am I like this, Theo? Why am I like this?”

“It isn’t your fault, Baby. It wasn’t your fault before, and it isn’t now.”

“It is! I’m so stupid! Why can’t I stop fucking up? Why can’t I just be normal for once?”

I lean back and cup his face, staring into his one open eye. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Xander. There’s something wrong with them. The people who did this to you. There’s something very wrong with Oliver, and we should call the police.”

“If I wasn’t a queer piece of shit, it wouldn’t have happened.” He slumps against me, his body shaking as he sobs. “The cops don’t care. They’ll think I’m a worthless whore.”

“No, baby. You’re so much more than that. You’re brilliant and beautiful, Xander. You’re carving out your own life out of this hate-fueled world, taking the harder path, and you are so brave for that. So damn brave. You’re loved and you’re so much better than those pieces of shit could ever hope to be. And the people that matter love you for who you are. We love all of you. Do you understand? Dani, Skylar…me. We love you exactly how you are.”

It’s not how I’d planned to tell him I loved him, but sometimes life likes to throw wrenches at your boyfriend’s face and you end up pouring your heart out to him on a bloody bathroom floor. I do love him.

“You shouldn’t. None of you should.”

“We do, and we’re not going anywhere, Xander.” I take a deep breath. We need to rip this bandaid off now. “Xander, I need you to tell me if they…I can’t let you take a shower if they?—”

“It doesn’t matter. I won’t call the cops.” He lifts his head and tries to keep his eye open long enough to meet mine before sliding closed again. I need to keep him awake, at least for now.

“I gotta know, Xander. I promise I’ll take care of you no matter what.”

“They…they tried. They pulled down my…they were going to. But some guy and his dog came by. He scared them off, so I ran. Like a coward.”

“You ran for your life, Xander, that’s not cowardice. That’s brains.” I kiss his forehead, tasting the iron immediately. “Okay. Let’s get you off the floor and into the tub. Can you stand?”

It takes three tries to get him off the floor and I have him sit on the toilet as I undress him. Each article I remove boils my blood a little hotter. More bruises, more cuts, more blood. My guess is at least two broken ribs to go with his nose. It’s likely he’ll need stitches in some places, but for now, I bandage them as best as I can.

“Jesus,” I say under my breath as I peel his shirt off. “Baby, you need to see a doctor. You could have internal bleeding.”

“No, we can’t afford it.”

“I’ll pay. You have to go, Xander!” My rage gets the better of me for a moment. “Fine. I’m calling in a favor, and if she says you need to go to the hospital, you’re going to the damn hospital. Do you understand? I don’t care how much it costs. You’re going. I’ll bill your damn parents. Now let’s get you in the tub.” I toss hisclothes into the sink as he stands and stumbles, but I catch him, holding him to me again. “I’m not mad at you. I promise, okay? I’m scared, that’s all.”

“Did…did you mean what you said earlier?”

“I did. I absolutely did. I love you, Xander. I didn’t think I could love like that again, but you’ve shown me how wrong I was. You’ve been nothing short of a beacon guiding me through my self-imposed darkness, and I don’t want to lose you, Xander.” He grunts as he brings his hands up and tries to hug me back. I press my lips to his forehead.

“Cool,” he tries to laugh. He’s deflecting, but right now it’s a safety measure he needs to use like a crutch. “I worried I was too much of a weirdo for you.”

“Never, baby. I love you, you strange little nerdy fuck. I love you so damn much.”

“I—I love you, too, Theo.”

I clean the last of the batter from the floor, shooing Baggy away from the kitchen. My bones are sore, that’s how tired I am. But one thought keeps me pushing through, keeps me from curling onto the couch and passing out for the next forty-eight hours or so. Dani will blame herself for this.

As if I summoned her from the hallway, the door to their apartment opens and I rush through to catch her before she comes in.

“Keep it down, come on. Back outside. Quick.” With the pain meds he’s on, he’ll probably be out for a few more hours, but I don’t need him waking up to freak out again. I hold my fingerup to my lips and lead her back out to the hallway, where Skylar stands with their bags from the show.

“What, is there like a surprise party for me or some shit? Bro, did you get hit by a bus? Please tell me you’re not mad because I didn’t come in and immediately get all cheerful and happy and yelling salutations or some shit. We had a breakthrough, sure, but I’m still me.” She crosses her arms and stares at me. “We’ve had a day, man. Like a day where the van breaks down, the show gets moved around at the last minute, and we barely survive elimination kind of—Theo? Is that blood? Did you kill someone?”

“No, Dani. I…it’s?—”

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