Page 109 of Never To Suffer

“Oh, honeybee, you don’t,” Dani coos, one foot in dreamland already, exhaustion hitting her hard. “You’re a novelty in a world that wants to classify you as whatever they deem to be normal. But it’s okay, we’ve got you now. And we love you, too.”

I couldn’t have said it better, so I don’t try to one up her. Why should I. Instead, I lean over and kiss the top of her head, and the side of his. “Get some sleep, sweetheart. Marie will be back tomorrow, and if she finds out we kept you up all night being sappy, she’ll kick my ass.”

“Who was she, anyhow?” His whisper crackles as he coughs.

“My sister-in-law.”

“Cool. I didn’t know…you had…siblings.” The last word is hard to make out as his head lolls to the side and the meds take hold of him again.

CHAPTER 45

LOOKING BACK

LORD HURON

I finish wrappingXander’s hand like Marie showed me the other day and tuck the supplies back into the kit Theo bought us. Pretty sure Xander’s still asleep; I pick up the empty water glass and go to move, but his arm shoots out and finds me. He’s getting a little too good at that.

“Stay?”

“I’ll come right back. I promise. I need to get you some water.”

“Please?”

I sigh and set the glass back down before I take my spot on the edge of the bed again. “How do you feel?”

“That’s not why I asked you to stay. I want to say I’m sorry. For walking out. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” He coughs, the strain of talking still too much for his broken ribs. He’s supposed to be resting, staying hydrated, and keeping quiet, but he’s a terrible patient.

I’ve avoided this talk so far, so worried about everything I want to say, everything I need to say to him. Even more worried about the things he should say to me because I deserve each one of them.

“Xander, there isn’t enough time to apologize as much as I need to. Even if I had a century, it wouldn’t be enough time.” I dig through my bag that sits next to the bed and pull out the pair of keys, running my thumb over the ridges. My heart races. I don’t want to give him the keys because I don’t want him to lock me out.

Failure is an option. Failure is okay. Everyone fails.

“We’ve put a door between our place and Theo’s?—”

“They built that before I left. You yelled about it, remember?”

“They built a nice hole in the wall. Now it’s a full door.” He turns his head and cracks open his working eye, struggling to keep it focused on me. “Do you want your glasses?”

“They’re broken. What do you mean, a door?”

I pry open his hand, putting the keys in his palm and closing his fingers over them. I try to remember the way Jamie explained it the other day, but for whatever reason, it sounds like the dumbest idea ever now. I don’t want to tell him what the keys are for, why there’s a door, why I’m doing any of this, but I’m doing it because it’s for him. He has the right to choose and I…I have the right to fail. Theo said this wasn’t a failure if Xander locks the door. He called it an inconvenience I could overcome. A rough patch of water we’d learn to navigate. I don’t want to navigate without Xander.

“The keys are for,” my voice cracks. “For the door. These are the only keys for it, so we can’t come in unless you want us to. I want to respect your privacy and your space, and what I said the other day will take time to recover from, but I?—”

“Dani—”

“Let me finish, please? I’ve rehearsed this a thousand times. Just let me get it out?” He nods. “Basically, I may not deserve it, but I want you back, Xander. I’m willing to beg, plead, cry, whatever I need to do. But I can’t do that unless I become a safe space for you. I can’t be that toxic dump of fear, takingeverything out on you until you had nothing left.” I swallow hard, hoping this sounds better in his head than it does mine. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m working on it, I am. But I understand if you don’t want to be around me for a while. These are your keys, and you can lock the door whenever you need your space or whatever. I’ll never argue with you about it.”

He waits; his eyes closed. I’m about to see if he’s fallen asleep again when he finally asks if I’m done.

“Yeah, that’s…yeah. I’m done.” I ask in a hushed tone, in case he is asleep. “Do you want me to go now?”

“No, but I think I need the trash can next to the bed now.”

“Oh, no. Here!” I thrust it toward him and close my eyes, thinking he’s going to be sick. Instead, there’s a hollow thunk as he drops the keys into it. “Xander, that wasn’t funny. I thought you were going to hurl because they said some of the medication could—wait. You did that on purpose?”

“Beetle, we fight. We make up. We’re never physical, we’re rarely hurtful. But no matter what you call me, your words are never, ever going to be enough to frighten me away. I thought we both needed space. Because we did.”

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