Page 54 of Never To Suffer

“We’ll figure it out.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’m scared I’ll screw up again and you’ll…I’ll be alone again.” The itch to purge the lies and hide behind them tries to take over, but I’ve learned how to fight that.She needs the truth. “I can’t handle this. I can’t do it, Dani. It’s too fucking hard.”

“Your sponsor said you’d probably say that. He also said I should get on your ass about not telling me what to look out for. But we’re going to talk to him tomorrow morning and come up with a plan. You need a way to come down slower and smoother after the show. Drowning in shots won’t work and neither will running away and scaring the ever-loving shit out of me.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sob, and she holds me to her. It’s familiar and terrifying. “I’m scared, Dani. I’m so fucking scared to lose you, like I lost Steve. I’m scared I’ll fail you and I?—”

“Stop. Right now.” She lifts my head, and I’m met with the stern features of her beautiful face. “This ends here and now. This marks the last time you do this shit to yourself. Now, get it into your incredible thick yet attractive head that you are not in this alone. You can’t win alone. Did you listen to nothing in rehab? Where they show you that it takes a support system, not one idiot ready to make a martyr of himself. Come on, you need a shower. It will help you relax.”

She pulls me up and leads me to the bathroom. When I try to handle my own clothes, she swats my hands away and cusses at me under her breath. I stand naked before her, and she takes my hands one at a time and kisses each of my knuckles before she opens the door of the shower. The water shocks my system, but only momentarily. A moment later, I’m holding out a hand and pulling her in with me. She doesn’t care that her clothes are getting wet. I need to hold her, to have her against me.

“It’s okay if you still love him. Steve, I mean,” she says as she brushes out my hair. “You know that, right?”

“I did. Until I didn’t. The accident changed my perspective. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t ever get what we had back. The damage couldn’t be fixed, and we were wallpapering over the holes left in our hearts. We drifted into a void and when I could finally see light again, I didn’t have Steve anymore, only your voice to guide me.”

“Seriously, I need you to start writing this shit down.”

“You don’t have to do this, Dani. You didn’t ask for this.”

“Okay, my giant emo mountain, let’s get you into bed. You’re cut off until you find a sponsor and some meetings when we’re home.” She climbs off the bed and stands in front of me. For the first time since the bar, I stare into her big eyes. “Skylar, I’ve watched people do stupid shit when they crave something that could kill them. You had that look in your eye at the bar, and we need to find the right plan of action. No more alcohol, though, or weed. Nothing until we have a plan. Okay?”

Her kiss takes my breath and strips me of my soul, but she replenishes what she takes with fragments of her own being, draining me and filling me at the same time. I break the kiss this time, fighting myself to pull away far enough to see her eyes again. Her fingers play in the days old beard, her touch awakening the volcano in my core, filling my veins with lava and the unquenchable thirst for her.

I understand now that she’ll never let me go, never give up on me the way I give up on myself. My beautiful siren.

CHAPTER 24

OWN MY MIND

MÅNESKIN

“No shit!You two left the bed? I thought for sure we wouldn’t see either of you until the show tonight.” Connor teases as he slips into the booth next to Skylar and Noah slides in next to me. “I’m gonna write a review for my noise canceling headphones.Work like a charm when your only barrier between you and your bandmate’s three in the morning mating ritual is a paper-thin wall and a shitty motel pillow some old guy probably died on. Five Stahhhs.”

“Don’t, I need coffee first!” I hold my head in my hands.

“Feeling better?” Connor asks Skylar, who might be glaring at him, but it’s hard to tell with the sunglasses on. They’re also wearing a hoodie under the leather jacket and have the hood pulled down low. At least they let me shave the beard down to stubble this morning, so they’re not walking around intimidating everyone. They slouch lower into the seat, hands tucked deep into their pockets, but still, they give a half-hearted nod. Connor puts an arm around them before kissing their cheek. “Hang in there, my friend. We’ve got you and you’re not alone. In fact, I’ll never leave you alone after last night. And I didn’t even get to sleep with you, but I listened.”

It’s enough to make Skylar scoff out a laugh, which I appreciate. I love my band, now that the toxic bullshit left. “So, I’m going to assume we made it to the next round after that ass kicking performance last night?”

Noah nods, flipping through her phone. “We were in second place when I fell asleep, let me check the—” There's a quick shift in her body language as I ask, and I panic. Her jaw drops open slightly, face turns paler than she already is, and her eyes slowly shift from the phone to me.

Connor noses in and his eyebrows shoot up. He might even be blushing. It’s hard to tell. “That’s…Holy shit! That's a video of us from last night. Skylar, you absolute specimen! Look at you! God damn!”

“What, let me see!” I come close to launching myself over the table.

“Look at the numbers, Con. It’s going viral,” Noah adds, tone still flat and unreadable.

Connor grabs the phone and leans in closer to Skylar. They watch a looping video compilation showing clips from last night. Skylar and Connor kissing and making out, me groping Skylar, and a nice little oral sex gesture from Noah. I remember some of it, but not all of it, and I wonder if Xander has seen this yet. If he had, he would have texted me by now.

I watch the slow pull on the corner of Skylar’s mouth that becomes the precursor to the building laughter between them and Connor. They even take off the sunglasses to get a better look, of course I’m more focused on the red-rimmed eyes with their deep purple bruising underneath. It’s not bad enough that the average person would notice, but I do, because I stayed up all night with them and sat up this morning trying to conceal their sleepless night with makeup. Sex took up a small portion of a night that also involved phone calls to his sponsor, too manytears, lots of holding, and a voicemail I left Chase that he’s yet to respond to.

“We need more of this,” Connor announces, winking at Skylar.

Noah groans, “I hate to say it but, he’s right. I mean, look at our ranking last night. We came in first place.”

“Don’t worry, babe, you don’t have to do any of it.” I assure her. “You’re cool as fuck looking in your own way, and that will get you plenty of attention, too. You’re our token introvert; the three of us are crazy enough to do wild shit like this. It’s worked for other bands.” I explain, dumping more sugar in my coffee than should be legal.

“But shouldn’t we be known for our music?”

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