Page 59 of Never To Suffer

You don’t have to answer me right away.

I rub my temples as my brain plays a game of Pong with the answer. If I say no, will he stop talking to me? If I say yes, am I crossing more lines I can’t come back from? What am I afraid of? Other people are going to think whatever they think, and it’s not like it's something they can take my license away for. Xander is an adult, thirty, if he told me the truth. Eleven years isn’t even something to make people look twice here in Los Angeles. And I deserve to have a chance at happiness again. Don’t I?

I type out and answer and hit send before I can second guess myself any further.

Yes. I’d love to.

Let me know when you’re back. I’ll pick you up at the airport.

Blue Eyed Baby

Call me later? I don’t care how late it is. I’ll be up.

In more ways than one

I uhm, I miss you. I hope that’s not too much.

Not at all, Baby. I miss you, too.

Maybe he said that too quickly. Maybe I answered it too quickly.

I groan, leaning back in my chair and releasing a slow exhale. What am I doing? I’m forty-one! That’s far too late in life to dip toes back into those polyamorous waters. But how much different could it be from what I had before. I loved the woman who became my wife, but she knew I had other needs. Hell, she’s the one who invited Gio, a friend of hers from school, over to the apartment. He moved in with us a few weeks later, each of us having a sexual relationship with the other. I thought it would end when Élodie and I were married, but Gio stood there, by our side through the wedding and the birth of Sylvie. We were in Paris, the city of love, and I thought it would always be like that. The three of us were raising Sylvie, getting a house together, filling it with affection, openness, and happy memories.

The only thing that kept me clinging to that last thread of sanity after the accident? Knowing they’d been together when they died. Knowing they hadn’t been alone, and they’d been with someone who loved them in their final moments. It didn’t take me long to realize losing them like that meant I was utterly alone in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Poor Sylvie spent more time with her grandparents than me because I couldn’t hold it together long enough. I saw too much of Élodie in her curious eyes, too much of Gio in her laughter, even if her genetics don’t match his. She will always be ours.

If I can stop screwing it all up. Xander might be the answer to that. The one who can steer me back toward true affection again.

I open the chat again and scroll up, not to the naked pictures of him, but to the one he took before he left the two of us inthe car. The serious lines of my face are replaced by a genuine smile, my walls down, and a sparkle in my eyes. Then there’s him. Crooked grin and nerdy black glasses, nothing but hope in his face. He said that’s what I gave him; hope. Well, that and a damn good night.

I have my answer and it’s yes. I’m falling for those pretty blue eyes, the snarky attitude, the desperate need to be understood. Even now, sitting in my office, I long to be back in bed with him, holding him to my chest and whispering against his soft, fluffy brown hair.

A notification interrupts my daydream, reminding me I’d gotten a text from Marie, too. Groaning, I slide to the phone app and call my sister-in-law back.

“Theo! Oh, thank God you called. I was worried something had happened to you!”

“No. Well, yeah, something has happened. All good. What’s up Fifi?”

There’s a long pause and I’m not sure if it’s the connection or her until her voice comes back.“Theo, are you baking?”

“Not yet? Why? Need me to whip something up for you? Ship it to Boston, New York, wherever you are this week?”

“Oh no, no, no. What I called you about, it can wait. You called meFifi.”I stop, realizing I call her a childhood pet. Fifi Marie. I don’t even remember how we came up with it, but it’s what Élodie, Gio, and I called her. With a French accent, it’s cute. Fee Fee Mah Ree.“Tell me what has you so happy and yet not in the kitchen?”

I laugh, but it's not a surface laugh. It goes through to my ribs, it comes from my center, from a frozen piece of my heart that’s finally getting the chance to feel some warmth again.

“I, uhm, I met someone. He reminds me so damn much of Gio. Hell, his eyes are that same steel blue.” Maybe that’s why I’m opening up to him, the idea of him combined with how muchhe looks like the love I’d lost. I hope I’m not projecting. Gio sure as hell didn’t fuck like Xander, though. God, that mouth is made for?—

“Tell me everything, Theo!”She pulls me out of my daydream again. I’ve got to stop doing that.“I’m so damn happy for you! It’s about time.”

“Marie, I’ve dated since them.”

“No, you’ve had a series of terrible, awful, boring affairs. You would call me and still sound sad. Hell, you called me from their beds and sounded sad. This has a different feel to it. Maybe à l'amour! Does he have a name?”

I sit back and look out the window, watching the traffic. “Xander.” The name slides off my tongue as smooth as butter, and I can’t stop smiling whenever I say it. “His name is Xander.”

CHAPTER 26

PANIC ATTACK

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