Page 79 of Never To Suffer

“I’m here when you’re ready, but only when you’re ready.” He picks up the useless umbrella and we head for the car, where he holds the door open for me.

I don’t speak the entire drive, staring out the window and watching the lights of Los Angeles reflect off the wet surfaces. A few minutes into the drive, I reach over and find Theo’s hand, holding it tight because it’s all I can do right now. He doesn’t let go until we pull into the brightly lit parking garage under the building. I hide from the overhead lights, hoping the darkness will swallow me up so he doesn’t see me.

“Come on, Xander. Let’s get you upstairs.”

“My girlfriend is upstairs. I’m not sure I’m ready for?—”

“That’s fine. Like I said, your pace, when you’re ready. But I’m not letting you sleep out here in the car when you’re soaked to the bone. Let her back in, Xander. Let one of us back in. Please?”

I finally turn and let our eyes meet. He reaches up, brushing his thumb across my bottom lip, avoiding the large cut in the middle. “This from the fight you picked?”

A few days after the hospital, I snuck away from security and walked. I wasn’t going anywhere specific, and I ended up finding the darker side of Tokyo. Maybe that’s what I wanted to find, the dark, dingy bars where the tourists don’t dare go. I drank myself stupid, and the fight came to me. I never even swung on the guy. I let him hit me over and over again. That’s what made the cops agree to send me home.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumble, lip quivering against his touch.“Call me by the other name, Theo. The one only you call me.”

The corner of his mouth lifts in a crooked grin. “Baby?” I nod and he leans in. The kiss barely grazes my lips before he whispers into me. “You’remybaby. No matter what.”

I hit the button on the seatbelt and throw my arms around him, climbing over the center console, desperate to be in his arms. I’m scared, I’m cold, and I’m wet, but for the first time since I left LA weeks ago, I don’t feel alone. It’s not enough, though.

“Take me home, Theo. Take me to bed. Make it all stop.” I beg him each time our lips pull apart. I grab for his shirt, desperate to get it off him, but he catches my wrists and holds me until I melt into him, giving up the fight and sobbing into his chest.

“It doesn’t work that way, kid. Experience should tell you that much.” He dries my face with the gentlest touch I’ve ever felt. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

He walks me upstairs, holding my hand the entire way to my door. There’s one last kiss before he walks further down the hall, standing in his own doorway. I watch him unlock his door and push it open as I hold my hand up and knock on my own door.

“I’m right here if you need me, baby. No matter what time it is.”

I nod and he disappears inside as the door to my apartment flies open and Dani stares at me. I’m shutting down again, the fear taking over because I’m not sure what to expect or how she’ll react to all of this. She lunges at me, her arms around my neck and in my hair as she holds me to her, doing her best to crush me.

It reminds me so much of when Theo held me, but so different, too.

“It’s you! It’s really you. Oh my god, Xan, you had me so worried! We finished the show and came right home so you wouldn’t come back to an empty apartment.” She pulls back, taking in my stray dog aesthetic. “You’re soaked! And your eye, Jesus. Get in here. We’ll get you a shower and something to eat. Do you want some tea? I can order pizza, whatever you want.”

“Can I just go to bed?” I mumble with my head down as she tries to take my backpack. I grip it tight. There’s nothing in there worth hiding anymore, but it’s all I have left from the worst weeks of my life.

“Okay. I’ll, uhm, I—” She walks toward the kitchen, holding her stomach and trying to hide the fear. Melody told Dani everything. That’s the only reason she’s acting like this, not blowing up at me for being an idiot.

“Beetle? I—I’m sorry?”

Slowly, she turns to face me again, but this time, I drop my bag and shuffle to her, burying my head in her neck and letting her hold me. I need to do that more, to not push her away when things get hard and when I’m the one who needs someone to lean on. It’s not only her, either, and I reach a hand behind me. They haven’t said a word since I walked in, but I can sense them standing there, waiting to be told it’s okay. They’re going to be part of this, too. I need them. All of them. Just like Theo said I would. He just doesn’t know how many of us there are yet.

Fingers brush mine and I grab their hand as they press against my back, holding us both in their strong arms.

“Whatever you need, love,” Skylar’s deep whisper fills my head. “We’re here for you.”

I wake up to a throbbing headache, the arm that’s been across my chest all night still there, heavy and holding me to reality. I’ve never had nightmares, not even as a kid. But after Oliver drugged me, they’re all I have. I hate that Skylar has so much experience with them, but they’ve been helping me through each one. Never getting angry or telling me to get over it, onlyreassuring me I’m safe and loved. They’ve refused to leave my side, no matter how loud I yell or how hard I fight back. It’s been like this for three nights now.

I turn, laying on my back to stare at the ceiling, but the arm moves, and the hand caresses my face. Deep brown and gold eyes sparkle out of focus until I nod and close my eyes. Their parted lips meet mine, and they’re softer than I remember.

They stop and pull back, nudging my nose with theirs, brushing my cheek with their thumb. “Good morning, love.”

I offer the slightest smile and a pathetic grunt, but I still haven’t found my words unless I’m fighting the nightmares or screaming to be left alone. I don’t want words, not mine anyhow.

“Dani’s getting ready for work. She needs to get out of the house, and I told her I’d take care of you, that okay?” they whisper, their mouth moving down my jaw as a hand dances through the patch of hair under my navel. I nod, closing my eyes as their hand slides under the band of my sweats and knuckles brush against my hard cock. Only I could scream at terrors all night and wake up with morning wood. “Do you want me to?—”

I nod, shutting my eyes. They’re careful, moving slowly and checking in often. They kiss down my chest, following the same path their hand already traveled but now with their tongue, my breath catching every time their teeth drag over my flesh. They push my sweats down and take me into their mouth, and I move the blanket back so I can watch them suck the tip of my cock, licking the beads of pre-cum already forming.

It’s the farthest we’ve managed to get without me breaking down and wanting to throw up. They reach up and hold my hand, and I grip it tight.

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